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Confused and stressing out about it

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Catkin, Apr 15, 2012.

  1. Catkin

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    I found it WAY harder to write this than I thought I would.
    So this post could end up a bit long or rambling but if you manage to read through it I appreciate any advice you can give me.

    I've kind of been questioning my sexuality for the last three years and I still don't know.
    I definitely did have a crush on a boy when I was around 16.
    The thing is though, I can't remember if I ever even fantasised about kissing him.
    But I do seem to be a very slow developer and I don't think I ever really thought about anything even vaguely sexual until I came to college so maybe it's just that.

    I also can't work out why this whole topic (which gender I like) freaks me out. I think about a third of my friends in college are lesbian, gay or Bi, including one of my best friends and I really don't care about their sexualities.
    If I did figure out that I liked girls I seriously doubt that any of my friends at college would have a problem with that.
    For crying out loud, I've been dragged to gay bars and LGBT meetings (and even to Pride) and I still can't bring myself to even mention to any of my friends that I'm not sure who I like! My mum walked in on me last year when I was on a gay story site (I'm not talking about sex stories here).
    I slammed the laptop closed and I don't think she saw what I was looking at. Actually my behaviour probably didn't seem that wierd since it was near christmas and my family is ridiculously secretive about christmas presents. I still ended up in my room practically having a panic attack though.
    I don't understand how I could be so scared of how my very liberal mum would react if she though maybe I might like girls.

    Since I've been to college (and I've been here for 3 years) I've only found one boy attractive - and nowhere near how I felt when I was 16. But I kinda fancied one of the girls who was a member of the sports club I'm in. And when some of my friends dragged me to a party the college LGBT club was throwing I ended up chatting all night to one of the girls there. At the end of the night she asked me if I wanted to walk back to campus with her. I kinda froze and ran, but I think the main reason for that was that it was so public and I knew so many people there. I sort of wish I hadn't. One of my best friends came out when I was in first year of college, which was around the same time I sort of found myself watching other girls. I don't know if I just started doing that because my friend coming out made me consider a possibility that I hadn't considered before, if it just made me notice something I was doing anyway or if having so many LGBT friends just made me paranoid. And I do still find my eyes drawn to any girls who I kinda suspect might be lesbian.

    Actually one of the main things that is keeping me questioning has been my dreams over the last few years. I've had three or four dreams of kissing girls (and they have all been girls that I know) and once dreamt of having sex with one of my friends (a girl). But I've only had one dream of myself with a boy, and I was a boy too in the dream!

    That's one other thing that's really confusing. I'm kinda addicted to reading stories on the gay fiction site gayauthors. Most of the stories don't have sex scenes, and the coming out stories are the main reason I use the site anyway but whenever a sex scene comes up, it well...works. So I dream about girls but kinda like the idea of 2 guys. And it is bloody hard to write about this stuff.

    I keep jumping around all the time from one point of view to another about this.
    Some of the time I think that maybe I do actually like girls.
    Other times I think maybe I've made it up and it's all in my head.
    I was really shy in secondary school although I've opened up alot more in college and have a fairly wide group of friends. I seem to have the same reaction to boys or girls coming on to me; I completely clam up and don't know how to react.

    I don't really know what to do. I'm getting fed up of being so unsure of myself but I don't want to use anyone as an experiment. I also sort of feel like I should know who I like by now.I'm on an exchange trip this year and I had intended to find the college LGBT club here and sort of see where things went. But I'm finding it really hard to do everything through a foreign language, plus the LGBT soc. here seem way scarier than the one back home, at least judging from their website.
    Does anyone have any advice?
     
  2. super confused

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    I know that you said you don't want to use anyone as an experiment, but it works. Experimentation (if the other person knows that's what you're doing and is okay with it) is healthy (as long as you don't over-do it) and effective. It also has the potential to turn into more.

    The best advice I can give is possibly the most difficult to follow: just let yourself feel what you feel and trust yourself.

    And, about how you react to people coming on to you, I feel the same way: I feel like a deer caught in headlights; I freeze, panic. Here's something (that is again, easier said than done) that kind of works for me. If you think someone is flirting with you, try just ignoring it. Literally. Just pretend you have no idea that this person is flirting with you, and just be nice to them. This way, you're not flirting back and potentially giving off the wrong message, but you're also not just shutting someone down, and you don't feel like a deer about to be run over by a car. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Catkin

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    Thanks for your reply super confused.

    I'm really reluctant to use anyone as an experiment but I think you have a point.
    It would probably be a good way to figure stuff out.
    I also sort of feel like if I'm going to do that then this year would be a good time, seeing as I'm on an exchange year, seveal countries away from home.


    You're advice about ignoring flirting sounds good, although I don't know if it would work for me.
    I'm so oblivious that by the time I've noticed someone flirting, it's generally beyond the point where you can ignore it! (The first guy I noticed flirting with me brought up love and marriage in the same sentence - my cue to run as fast as possible. I'm not as bad now, but this is a good indication of how clueless I can be.) :slight_smile: