My mom dropped me back off at school tonight after I got off work. In my tiredness, I left my phone in her car, and she drove off. I contacted my brother, who called her, and she came back and dropped it off for me 15 minutes later, which was awesome. But I think she knows somethings up. She's been asking me if I was okay a lot today (just because I've been quiet), and when I went to go meet her outside, she was looking at (through?) my phone. If she as so much went through my texts, she could have definitely found out about my sexuality. And she was smiling when she gave it back to me, probably because she thought it was funny that I'd forget it, but still. One of my more recent texts from this afternoon was with regards to me being gay (amongst other embarrassing things, like my concerns that I'm turning into a furry, but I digress <__<). So it certainly wouldn't be hard information to find. I'm probably reading into this way too much. But I keep feeling like I just outed myself because I screwed up once and forgot my phone (which isn't exactly plastered with "gay" stuff either). And it's unsettling, even though she'd be fine with it, because it's not on my terms. Gah.
Well you would know your mom better than anyone, do you think she would go through your texts? From what you wrote though it sounds like in 15 minutes she wouldn't have had much time to do so, especially since she was driving for part of the time. I know for me, that I have misplaced my phone a few times or let a friend use it, and in my head I am extremely paranoid when it happens. It's one of the worst feelings. What kind of phone do you have? I recently put a password on mine (iPhone). I also set it so that when people text me it just shows their name, and not the text until I unlock the phone. It makes me less paranoid lol.
I agree with speedracing22: your mom was likely driving for most if not all of the 15 minutes it took, so she wouldn't have had much time to check your phone if she'd wished to do so. If your mother isn't the type to "snoop around", then I don't think you should have anything to fear. Even though you're anxious to know whether your mother looked through your text messages, don't ask her about what she was doing with your phone, because you don't want to risk raising her suspicions that there's something important you're keeping from her, in case she did not actually look through them. If it turns out that she did, and that she saw what you'd written, she will bring up the topic with you sooner or later.
I dunno, from where she said she was when she turned around, it would've been about 5 minutes or so, so ~10 minutes round trip. And I don't think she's necessarily the type to snoop, but I can tell she's concerned that I don't talk about it (or anything, really). Way back when I first started questioning, I kinda mentioned it, and then turtled up and haven't spoken about it since, despite her few awkward attempts to indirectly ask. That, and the blinking red light saying I had a new message (which I would have, as a response from my brother, saying he called her) was already read. Which means she turned it off. Doesn't mean she read anything else, but the text in question was only about halfway down the screen... :/ I've got a BlackBerry. I might password protect it. I've never done it before because I never leave it around, nor do I really let other people use it. Any pictures or other things on there I was able to hide no problems and there's really not much on there anyway. I don't want that to raise suspicions either though. And I'm definitely not bringing it up, I'd rather live in my bubble of denial where she knows nothing, even if she knows everything. I woke up this morning and feel a bit better though; still a little panicked, but better. Thanks guys.
I'm done exams tomorrow, so I'm being picked up tomorrow night. Uh... do I bring it up? I'm kinda leaning towards "I should just pretend it didn't happen", but I'm worried I can't do it without looking like I'm worried or making awkward tension. My friend suggested I confront her about looking through my phone (if she did), but I feel like I can't do that either without alluding to the fact that there was something I didn't want her to see. :/
I wouldn't accuse her of looking through your phone for two reasons.... One, you have no solid proof that she did it. Also, she is your mom; do you really want to accuse your mom of something with no proof? Two, because it does look like you have something to hide if you do. The reason the message was marked as unread could have been as simple as her just reading that message by accident when it buzzed with a new text. If my friend left his phone in my car and it buzzed I would naturally look to see what it was, and its easy with a BB to accidentally mark a text as unread by hitting a button. I would act like nothing happened. I'll bet yah 10 bucks she didn't go through your phone XD. I really wouldn't worry about it.
well if i were in your situation i would play my cards correctly and not worry about it, dont bring it up either, just go about normally, if she decides to bring it up then go all out about privacy etc etc if thats what your angry about. i think the best thing you or anyone can ever hope for is silent acceptance, without the messy and emotional situation of sitting down and saying 'im gay'. ofcourse you would still have to go down that road but atleast you wont have to worry about coming out any time soon
What's the reasoning for *not* telling her? Is she uber religious or conservative? Could it affect your funding for university and such? If the answer to those is "no", then it might be time to just take the plunge and tell her. I know that may sound scary as shit, but honestly, the amount of effort one puts into worrying and not telling and so forth could much better be spent just being who you are.
I agree with Chip. Reading this: I think she might feel relieved if you tell her. For one thing, then she doesn't have to wonder about it. For another, it means you trust her, and parents do like to be trusted.
Nah, she'd be fine with it. It's 100% fear-based, and stems from a few things: 1) I'm worried I'll be lumped in with the "gay stereotype", because while she's made quite a few really good gay friends the last couple of years, they're all super flamboyant. 2) Going with the above, she'll probably suggest/push that I talk with them, or my cousin (who's also super flamboyant), neither of which I want to do. Partly because I'm not close with any of them, and partly because I don't "identify" with them (and I feel terrible writing that) 3) I want to come out when I'm comfortable with it. While I think I'm never going to be 100% comfortable with it, I want to make sure I present myself as confident of who I am. And given how bummed I've been feeling the last couple of days, this is probably not a good time to do that. 4) As soon as I tell her (and consequently my brother/dad, who I have to do shortly afterwards), I'm done telling the important people. I'm no longer closeted. And while I HATE being closeted, it's the only security I've known. Throughout all of the other family and social bullshit I've dealt with throughout my teens, being closeted was the one thing I had complete control over in my life. And when I come out this last time, I give that up. 5) If for some reason it goes badly (or I just don't handle being out well for whatever reason), I've got nobody to come back to after the weekend who can just sit and listen to me complain and be comforting. While I feel I'm not that close to my family anymore, technically they're the next closest people to me besides my close housemates (who are gone). I don't want to be left without anyone. 6) Also, she'll probably have some expectation that my coming out will solve some of our communication/relationship difficulties. And yeah, it might do some good. But there are other things that won't be changed simply by that (that I have already brought up with her but seem to keep being disregarded). 7) From a financial standpoint, she's the one who picks me up and drops me off for work (since I work back home). I could bus, but it'd be inconvenient and costly. 8) Also work-related; we work for the same organization. By no means is she's a gossip, but the whole goddamned organization is a massive gossip farm. Guaranteed if one other person finds out, everyone will know. And I don't want to hear about it from all my co-workers (who are basically like second parents to me). And from a professionalism standpoint, I'm trying to teach the individuals I work with that there's nothing wrong with being gay; and I shouldn't have to "be gay" to get that point across. It also might invalidate any progress I've made. Well, it seems there's a lot more there than I thought... see what happens when I really sit and think it out? If anyone manages to read through all that and can offer insight, that'd be awesome. I can't even really tl;dr that a lot because well... it's pretty condensed from my thoughts already.
You mentioned some of the same reasons why I don't come out to my family.... My parents would be 100% ok with me being gay/bi. But I too feel like they would lump me in to a stereotype. I also feel like I would get a talk....and the thought of the topics that would come up in that talk scare the crap out of me. (probably sex and being safe) No one wants to talk about sex with their parents, let alone that kind of sex lol. Also, they will probably tell me I should talk with one of their gay friends. And I too have nothing in common with them and can't really "identify" with them because they are so different than me. They are very flamboyant and I am just an average laid back guy. Today I actually spoke with a therapist about this topic, and I've reached a conclusion for myself that I don't need to "come out" to my parents any time soon. After I have moved out of the house, and have met a guy I can see myself being with, that is when the time will be right for me to tell them. Until then, I plan on telling a few close friends and that's it. I gain nothing by telling my parents at this point in my life. Only you can really decide if you want to tell her or not. But I don't think you should feel pressured to tell her if you don't feel right doing it. You will know when the time is right to do it.
^hah, I think the sex talk is actually the least of my concerns (and I didn't think I'd hit that point) xD Thanks though. I'm at a standstill, and it isn't really one anyone can decide for me. I feel like I'm never going to feel much more ready than I am now, but if I hold out maybe I'll feel less scared of doing it eventually.
I'm glad to see someone who is in the exact same spot as I am. It even makes it harder to come out/try to find a partner when you're depressed, which is what I'm going through. I know that my parents would be perfectly fine with me being gay, but at the same time I also know that their perspectives will change. Which is the scariest part for me.
I feel like I've got a catch-22 going on now: I feel like I should be there when I say it, but I don't want to be stuck in an awkward place for a few days on end. On the other hand, if I say it while I'm away (or say it right before I leave) that seems inconsiderate. I don't know which is the lesser of two evils though. I feel like if I say it right before a 1/2 week period where I'm not home, by the next time I'm back maybe it'll be more "normal" and less novelty.
When you do come out, just mention that it's private, you don't really want to talk about it and you'd prefer that she not tell anyone else. Let her know that you're all right, and you don't need to talk about being gay.
^ I'm pretty sure she'd want to have a talk about it though... or at least, if I indicate I don't want to talk about it, I'd be in the same awkward "she knows but doesn't know" place where I am now. Except she'd know, but she still wouldn't have any answers I guess. That, and I feel like it says that I'm not comfortable with it, and I want to be. :/ I'd believe that she wouldn't tell anyone, but if it slipped, everyone would know. A friend of a friend (through work) has a son, 15 or so, who came out recently, and had this story about discrimination or whatever. So he told his mom. Who apparently told a friend, who spread through work... eventually it hit my mom's friend, then she told us. And while I appreciate that everyone is cool (and supportive) of him being gay, all I remember thinking was "why the hell are you telling me this story?". Even if he was comfortable with having everyone know he was gay, I'm sure he wasn't planning on having everyone know his personal life story.
