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Confused

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by karl, Apr 16, 2012.

  1. karl

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    I am a 24-year-old male, gay, I have a very close friend whom I love so much, but he is straight. We stay together by renting separate rooms under the same roof.

    This male friend of mine recently told me he was afraid if I leave him, and he didn't want to leave me. Sometimes he will approach me from the back and lean his head towards mine, he brought me to all his circles of friends, we would go traveling together from time to time. Most of the time when we share the same bed his will put his legs on mine, or some kind of body contacts. Sometimes he will lie straight on me... But strictly no sex.

    He is so close yet so far, I am really confused... Anyone is willing to help?

    Karl
     
  2. Zaio

    Zaio Guest

    Hi karl, welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    Well exactly what is it you want help with? If you want a relationship with him, forget it. He is straight, there are boundaries. It sucks I know but it's a very annoying, complex boundary gay people must face.

    I would definitely say to sepparate yourself from him immediately, stay close friends but stop the close contact, sleeping in the same bed etc. Even if you do not like him in that way yet, it's inevitable you will if this close contact continues. We always fall for the person who we're closest to, who treats us great and especially if we have close contact.

    I'm not sure if this sort of thing is what you were after, seeing as you didn't specify anything but I hope it helps.
     
  3. karl

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    Thanks Zaio for your advice, I need help to clear my confusion. He is straight, but why a straight guy says something like this to another man ( I never told him I am gay ), he said he is afraid if I leave him, he considered leaving and staying separately before because we are too close, but he couldn't.
    It is torturing because I love him so much, I want to know what he actually thinks, why a straight guy wants to be with another guy so badly?

    Karl
     
  4. DryOasis

    DryOasis Guest

    I'm also confused now. You stay in separate rooms so how do you then end up sharing a bed?
     
  5. karl

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    I meant sometimes when we go traveling together we would share a bed.
     
  6. Zaio

    Zaio Guest

    It's normal for a straight guy to make an attachment like this to his best friend, when you do everything together a bond is made, gay or straight he can still feel this bond between you too.

    It's also a possibility he is a biromantic heterosexual, meaning he's straight but can be emotionally attracted to both types of sex, which would be easy to explain his attachment then, but even if he is not it is still a normal attachment. There are many straight guys who share this type of bond too.

    It's best to just try and accept the fact that there is no possible chance of you two having a relationship, this way you can begin to move on from it.

    Does he know you're gay? If so maybe you could tell him you have a crush on him and you need some space to move on, so you two can be close again without romantic feelings - If he is a true friend he will accept and respect this. If he doesn't know you're gay, you should tell him. It's best not to waste time with people who won't accept you for being you.

    You need space in order to move on from this. The magic 3 to move on -

    - Space
    - Time
    - Someone else to focus on

    All the best

    ---------- Post added 16th Apr 2012 at 12:22 PM ----------

    Sorry I'm a bit tired, didn't notice the "( I never told him I am gay )" I suggest you tell him asap, you seem to have no problem with the fact you are gay, so I presume you're comfortable with it? You should tell all your friends early, what's the point of wasting your time with these people if they will just leave you purely because of your orientation? Anyone like that is not worthy of your time, so you should clear the air early in the friendship, at least that's how I feel on the matter.

    I wouldn't mention you have a crush on him just after telling him you're gay, I would probably wait at least a month before dropping that on him. If he is gay, he will come out to you when you say you are, or at least shortly after.

    All the best.
     
  7. karl

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    Thanks Zaio, learned something today, hmm... biromantic heterosexual, wonder if biromantic heterosexual is actually a kind of suppression psychologically, say even that person considers himself as heterosexual, but subconsciously he cannot avoid the emotion he feels towards another guy?

    Actually of all my friends I have never encountered case like this, a straight guy says and does something so suggestive to another guy. He is even a bit homophobia. That's why I am confused.
     
  8. Zaio

    Zaio Guest

    No it's not suppresion, all it is, is that biromantic heterosexuals can be emotionally attracted to the same sex as well as the opposite sex, but that is all. Like for instance a male who really likes playing games might be emotionally attracted to other males that do the same, because in their mind they are the perfect match for them, however they are not physically attracted to those people because they are heterosexual, as with being homosexual, being heteroromantic/homoromantic/biromantic are all unchosen and not supressed.

    Sometimes, someone like your friend - if biromantic might do various non-sexual things that he would like to do, as if you were the opposite sex, sleeping in the same bed comfortably might just be because he likes you emotionally, it would be pretty awkward between 2 heterosexuals sleeping in the same bed, some do it without awkwardness, but without emotional attraction it can be pretty awkward and uncomfortable.

    Unless he is sexually attracted to you, there is no chance of a relationship there. No matter what anyone or asexuals say, people who do have sexuals feelings cannot be in a sexless relationship, it just won't work out.

    I'm afraid you won't find out his sexuality for sure unless you come out to him first.

    All the best.
     
  9. Lad123

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    "He is even a bit homophobia" Well he could be gay/bi but self-loathes and therefore its not uncommon for most closets to be homophobic. The things you have said are interesting, I wouldn't expect a straight guy to say :eek: but yeah as Zaoi has said, its best to come out to him if you have no problem with it, and explain that his weird contacts is crushing you. Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  10. Dalmatian

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    What he did is not weird at all. Of course, it might possibly be that he is gay and likes you, but then this would be too revealing, paradoxically. What you describe just seems to be real, deep and honest friendship. It doesn't sound like denial. Think of the way you could hug you brother, with a lot of love, with close contact and enjoying the warmth, yet completely asexually. For example, I can hug my female friend, who I love very much, but not in that sense. Although, this is not as good an example because of heterosexual society in which hugging a girl always tend to be seen as sexual, no matter if you are gay.