My fourteen year old son says he *might* be gay?

Hi there! It sounds like your very sincere here in trying your best to do the right thing for your son - it's really nice to hear from a parent that knows how to see through their child's sexuality and love them for who they are!

Well, the one thing you can almost certainly take for granted is that your son is in fact confused. There's really no one outcome that you can be sure of when a 14 year old starts to question their sexuality. For some it is a "phase," for others its the beginning of self-recognition. Homosexuality does seem to have a certain charm to the emo scene (not that I'm in any way a part of it, but I've had friends who were). I'd suppose its mostly because lots of gay kids find comfort in being accepted by that sort of "outsider" group.

As to the confusion, yes, I'd say many of us started out confused like your son is. My advice to you would be to advise him (if you don't think this suggestion will make him upset of course) that since he's confused, he should wait to start using the words "gay" or "bi" to describe himself. As a bi guy, I've been through times where I thought I was straight or gay just because I really liked a particular guy or girl and couldn't see myself with anyone of the other gender. Once that romance died down, I realized that I still had the other kind of attraction.

Anywho, sorry if that's long-winded. I know its difficult not knowing, but this is something that may take your son some time, and I'd say the best policy is not to rush anything. Hope that helps a little

 

Well it's wonderful that your son is comfortable enough with you to tell you, and it's fantastic that you are so accepting. He is very confused right now. I've been through the same feelings, but I wasn't comfortable enough to tell my mother. I would give him time and space to figure out where he is. If you want, you could even direct him here. There's so much help to be had here at EC. What you do between your husband and son is completely up to you, but for now, I would keep it out of your husbands sight. He's at such a vulnerable age, and bullying at school is bad enough, having it at home could be unbearable. You might consider moving him to a different school if that's an option. I would also recommend maybe getting him into some kind of lgbt friendly counselor who can help him better understand what's going on. When I started questioning my sexuality, I had no one to talk to, and I felt very, very alone.

 

Hey, Welcome to EC. Its always uplifting to read posts like this from parents who are going the extra mile and reaching out to help their kids and I hope you find the guidance your looking for here.

Going from identifying as Bi to gay and maybe back again is a very common step for a lot of people in the coming out process, not just to gauge how other people feel about it but to also help the individual with self acceptance. This may be what your son is doing, its not an easy thing coming to terms with who\what you are and I'm sure it means a lot to him knowing that he has your support no matter what.

I was never into the emo scene so I wont comment much about it but from what I know it can portray being gay or bi as being somewhat a fashion statement, though in saying that its also the reason a lot of younger GLBT teens find the scene attractive, it can be a small community where they can feel more accepted.

Advising your son not to come out to his step-dad is in my opinion a very good idea, at least until he is more sure of himself, as it may cause more drama and stress that he doesn't need if he is struggling with finding his sexuality. Though it may be something you need to think about for the future, how your husband will take it and how he will treat your son afterwards.

the Important thing is that you continue to support your son through what may be a phase or a big life changing realization. Coming here is really amazing step though and we are here for you and or your son.

Another thing you could do is try and continue the conversation in regards to his sexuality and keep asking the questions you have been asking, with out being forceful, just when the opportunity comes up, a skill mothers are quite brilliant at and letting him know he can come to you with any questions he might have.

The one thing that stuck out to me in your post was that you said your son thought being gay was a choice? maybe try understanding why he thinks this, as it may be key to whether what hes experiencing is a phase or not.

Also try looking into if his school has a GSA (gay straight alliance) and suggesting he might like to join? or seeing if there are any local GLBT youth groups that he might want to attend? Oh and also speak to your sons school about the bullying and make sure they do something about it.

Anyways I think you are doing an awesome job already and he clearly trusts you a lot to share this with you so i have no doubt that you will continue doing an awesome job.

I hope this helps XD

 

Hello! First off - welcome to EC

It's great to hear that you are accepting of your son! No matter what his sexuality is or will turn out to be. Questioning your sexuality is a pretty normal thing to do at his age. I didn't know for sure about mine until last year (at 21) but I remember questioning it WAY earlier (and at that time considered myself straight). I won't go into this any further cause I think the other guys said it pretty good.

About the emo scene, although growing a bit old I'm still a part of that. It does seem to me that, when I'm at a concert, there are more gay guys than you would on average expect there to be. However, to me it seems highly unlikely that someone would "turn gay" (as it's a choice) to fit into the scene better, I'd rather look at it the other way: he might like the emo stuff because he is bi/gay/questioning/etc. Like jargon said, it is quite an outsider group where being gay is accepted a lot faster and easier than it might be in other groups. But I wouldn't connect the emo scene and your son's questioning too much just yet, I'd suggest to let him find out things about himself first. If it's a phase "to fit in" I believe it'll go away quite soon, in the end he'll see that a lot of emo guys aren't gay at all

I hope this helps, feel free to ask if you want to know more!

 

Dear Nicks Mom,

I can't tell you how happy your post made me. YOU ARE AWESOME. Too be so open and supportive with Nick is the best thing you can do. It is not easy being gay, if indeed he is.

On the home page here at EC there is a section for parents if you haven't read it already.

Also, I would also direct you to Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) it should help answer some questions you might have. PFLAG: Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays

Hopefully they can help you with the husband issue.

 

Well, firstly I have to say how lucky he is to have a mother like you!

All I can really say is, 'might' probably means he is, but using 'might' just makes it a little easier for him to tell you. In all honesty, he's 14, he'll work it out - it's a very very confusing age. Give him time, he'll work it out. All in all, it's great that he can talk to you about anything and that you're caring and approachable.

Trust me, in time it will all become clear.

 

A huge chunk of problems with accepting yourself as gay comes from problems or perceived problems with parents. Knowing that your mother supports you from day one is so important and unfortunately rare. It is great to see someone like you taking such an interest and especially to see that you naturally default to an understanding role. That's really awesome.

As for EC, I haven't been a member very long, half a year or so, but I've read enough threads and also have enough experience elsewhere to know that this is (in my experience) a uniquely supportive and wonderful place for non-hetero people. Point your son here, he will certainly get support and understanding, as well as answers or at least opinions to most of his questions.

 

Okay, let me share with you a little secret about stuff like the "emo" scene, the goth scene and the D&D scene, all of those: as far as subcultures to be involved in, they are pretty mild. He could be hanging out with wannabe "gangsta thugs" or something like that, and next thing you know, he'd be wigged out on prescription medications. If the "emo" scene keeps him away from that kind of nonsense, throw back your head, and say "thank you, Jesus." Emo kids are the kinds of people who end up with a wife/husband and ten natural offspring of their own, all of them honor students. That is likely where the kid's headed.

Now, the one thing you have to be careful about as far as any subculture is when they start losing their sense of self. My boyfriend's grandson loves the emo genre and subculture, but he has enough "sense of self" that he can laugh about it.

As far as the homosexuality, I would try expressing some skepticism about whether he can really be sure at his age. I didn't know until I was well out of high school, and the only reason I know now is that I seem to consistently end up in long-term relationships with guys and am still a virgin where girls are concerned. I STILL don't feel comfortable saying with much certainty, "I'm gay."

But make sure he knows that it's not really all that important to know right now. What is really important to him right now is making good grades. That's ten thousand times more important than being sure about his sexuality. Tell him you don't care if he ends up married to a morbidly obese man three times his age who has hair all over his body as long as he graduates high school and makes that his main priority. After that, if you really can't live without grandchildren, there is such a thing as a surrogate mother.

On the bullying, whether you are gay or straight, there will be people out there who have spiteful natures, mostly because they have problems of their own they feel a need to externalize. They see gay kids as convenient punching bags. It's not very nice of them, but it doesn't do you any good to get upset over the flailing of some big, dumb, probably wounded animal who is barely conscious of what he is doing. It doesn't pay to get defensive. Trying to have genuine compassion toward these kinds of ignorant people actually helps. The best thing you can say to the f* word is, "I'm sorry you feel that way," and actually mean it with a sense neighborly kindness. It leaves you feeling better about yourself. It says a lot about your strength of character if you can manage to feel love and forgiveness even toward someone who has been cruel toward you.

I hope some of that is helpful to you.

 

I would advise against this. Expressing skepticism will only trivialize his feelings and may make him repress his feelings more. A more subtle approach may be better suited. Also just because your older and are still uncertain doesn't mean people much younger cant know for sure what their sexuality is.

School is very important yes but so is understanding your sexuality and being ok with that. A lot of teens struggle through school because they are dealing with their feelings and you cant just turn them off. Emotional and Mental well being is more important then good grades. But I agree that its important that he takes his time and doesn't rush his self discovery.

I don't know if your just bad at expressing yourself or I'm misunderstanding you but it sounds as if there is some slight advocating for bullying in your statement or at least a very care free attitude about the effects of bullying. I would think the dozen or so kids that have committed suicide (& made it to the news) in the last year or so would be enough to prove that bullying isn't acceptable in any form and should be taken seriously. Now I don't know the extent of the bullying in this situation but it definitely invites some investigation and monitoring.

Sure it would be nice to always be able to rise above the constant abuse of bully's but should kids have to worry about that in the first place? Don't get me wrong if anyone can achieve what you've stated no matter what the age I think that's a commendable feat and is a good lesson to learn but we shouldn't ignore the real damage that can be and is being wrought by these bully's.

---------- Post added 18th Apr 2012 at 07:40 AM ----------

:icon_bigg That's awesome news, thanks for keeping us updated. I hope to see him posting in the near future.

 

Thanks for being such a kick-ass mom, and we look forward to meeting your son.

Lex

 

This post is so good to read. I'm really glad that, well as I said earlier, you are there for him and that you're so accepting. I wish everybody's parents were like this!

 

your son should value and know how lucky he is to have a mum who accepts him and goes out of her way to make things better, i dont really like the fact that he thinks its a choice, that mentality needs to change and fast.

i agree with ArcaneVerse in oppose to Christiaan, its important to get to it now rather than play around with it, if anything delaying actually makes things worst for most people, especially in typical posts by people questioning and confused on this website, most of them have similar experiences about suppression and hurt, better now than later for sure.

and lastly i think its important for your son to make some meaningful friends, judging by what you said about friends, it makes me think he gets picked on/bullied or just an outcast, he needs to make solid friendships, someone to fall back on, even if that person is you.

 

If you are in the Austin area check out OutYouth. I don't have any direct experience with them, but they are very highly regarded in the Austin gay community.

As far as the bullying. That is very tough to deal with. The best way to help him to to help him build a good base of friends he can lean on when things get tough. Perhaps help him find a non school related group for something he is interested. That way he can make some new friends and not have to worry about the cliques at school.

 

I did some digging and found the following organizations in various parts of Texas, you might contact them and see what they advise.

GSA - Welcome to Texas Gay Straight Alliance Network

DFW/North Texas
Youth First Texas - has a section on what parents need to know
outreachdenton | website for OUTreach Denton


Austin
Out Youth

Houston
HATCH Youth - Welcome!

West Texas
home (Lubbock)
Youth OUTreach - LAMBDA's safe place for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, and questioning teens and young adults (El Paso)
Unable to find anything for Amarillo.

And someone gave you a PFLAG link already, that could help too. Hopefully it all helps.

 

If he has your support, chances are he'll make it fine through pretty much anything.

 

Been taking care of someone after surgery for the past couple of months, and I think it's taken a toll on me. Forgive me if I seem to have trouble communicating clearly. I have been flaking out lately, I realize.

I was trying to reflect on my own experiences with bullying. I recall that allowing myself to become defensive or behaving resentfully toward the bully was just throwing gasoline on the fire. I realized that the person doing the bullying was usually someone who had external issues I had nothing to do with, and it is easier to try to address this constructively than to become defensive. I realized that, if someone is having so much trouble coping that he or she is lashing out, I sure wasn't going to be the jerk who finally broke and rose to it.

Then again, I had a lot of issues that were not related to just being gay. I was high functioning autistic, for one thing. I actually wasn't able to have a normal back-and-forth face-to-face conversation until my late teens. So my experiences with bullying usually involved me being curled up on the floor, rocking back and forth and screaming at anyone who came anywhere near me, and these situations were so dramatic that people were actually afraid that I would crack one day and become violent.

In fact, I think in retrospect that my issues are not really comparable at all to Nick's situation, so I'm really not in a position to give advice on it, perhaps.

I would be very distraught if it were thought that I didn't regard bullying as a problem. I apologize for coming across that way.

 

Everyone's covered nearly every viewpoint, so I'll just throw in my two cents instead of quoting half the posts:

Just keep in mind that, while it is absolutely amazing that you're being so supportive, this is his process, his journey, his story. You have to let him do what he needs to do to figure whatever he needs to figure out out (barring personal safety and obviously stupid decisions). Like nearly all things in raising a kid (or raising anything, really), you have to let them make your own mistakes.

Also keep in mind that despite some of the media portrayal of certain groups he identifies with (gays and emos), neither of them are probably as bad as they're made out to be. They're stereotypes for a reason; not everyone is actually like that.

Oh, and don't forget (like you already seem to know) that being gay isn't a big deal. Even now with the newer generation taking charge, more people are really understanding that it isn't something terrible, and it isn't a choice... that it simply is what it is. Moreover, more and more people are learning that if it doesn't really affect them, they don't need to be concerned. Bullying, while bad, is more likely attributed to him being in high school rather than him being gay; bullies just need something to bully him about. If he wasn't gay, they'd find something else or find someone else. Remind him of that.

Basically, keep doing what you're doing, because it's fantastic. Just don't be too overprotective or anything.