I know this is most likely a question that has been asked by so many love hungry teenagers but this is something i've been wanting to get a 2nd opinion on for months now and it is emotionally exhausting thinking it over constantly. I am also not fully out of the closet to everyone by the way Okay! Some months ago one of my best friends came out of the closet to everyone in the space of a week. I have not done this and he has been rather persistent about me telling my parents and everyone (not in a forcible way!). I have been crazy about this person for a long time, and without sounding like an obsessed idiot... he's basically on my mind all the time. I would even go as far as saying there is love in there. A few weeks after he came out I gathered enough courage to ask him out. I thought that through this he could only give two possible answers. 'Yes' and we would go out. 'No' and I would be able to get over him, knowing there would be possibly no way it would happen. I got the middle-man. He did reply with a 'no thanks' but he admitted that he had been thinking about it and that 'one day my feelings may change'... 'but for now that's my answer'. I don't know if this is him waiting for me to come out or if he genuinely isn't interested. We recently became good friends again leading up to all this ( like a good 6-7 months? ) and thought it would muck up out friendship that we only recently got going again. I would just like to hear your opinions... because right now I do not know what to think. Thank you <3
From the sound of things . . . I do not think his feelings or lack thereof are related to you being in the closet. It sounds as if he is unsure but at the same time, there is a possibility. Does he treat you any differently now vs in the past? Is there a lot of lingering eye contact? Is he always smiling or laughing around you? Another thing is his body language. I can't say for sure because there isn't enough to go off of but don't give up.
He treats me the same as before... like i thought he might of liked me because of the way that if our legs touched and stuff he wouldn't move and he still doesn't move away from me when that happens. He still comes round to my house and he still laughs and smiles like he used to around me. Genuinely it feels like I didn't ask him...
You should ask him explicitly if it's about you not being out. He's the only one that knows. Alternatively, you could just kind of put the moves on him. You would have to tolerate some ambiguity about the status of your relationship, though. But you already know he doesn't pull away when your legs touch--maybe you could see how he responds if you increase the amount of casual touching. Did you ask him on a date, or did you ask him to be your boyfriend? Was it clear which you were asking? Try asking him on a date--make sure it's clear that the commitment is short term (as in three hours or less). Agreeing to go on a date is not the same thing as agreeing to be your boyfriend. Take things one step at a time. Of course, it will be difficult to go on a proper date with him, because you are in the closet. Maybe that's the problem.
I asked him if he ever 'wanted to go out sometime?' which I guess sounds pretty vague but does sound more of a date. I would feel uncomfortable about asking him again tbh... but as I said before his attitude hasn't changed towards me in the slightest.
I'd ask him straight up if the reason why he won't go out with you is because you're in the closet. I personally think that's exactly why he won't.
I would but it's been a couple of months and it would be awkward for me to bring it up... it makes me feel better knowing that i'm not the only one that thinks that is the reason why.
I would but it's been a couple of months and it would be awkward for me to bring it up... it makes me feel better knowing that i'm not the only one that thinks that is the reason why.
Maybe you could casually mention something like, "Maybe if I come out it'd be easier to meet potential boyfriends..." and see what he says. Unfortunately, I haven't been in that situation before, but I can tell you'd still like some opinions so I'm trying! Do you still want to date him? Or are you JUST curious about why he won't date you? :s
Yeah I still want to date him :\ we were discussing me telling my parents and when we were texting about it he basically asked what am I going to do once I get a boyfriend and still havent came out to them? That made me think about him waiting till I'm out.... or I could just be over analyzing tbh.
As a hopeless over-analyzer myself and a person who hates ambiguity, I understand why you wouldn't want to just ask him out of the blue if he turned you down because you're not out, so maybe try to ask him out again and if he says no again, ask if it's because you're not out. And if it's not, maybe then he'll tell you what it is about. And I totally understand how frustrating it is when you like someone but don't know how exactly they think of you. Sorry. I know it hurts.
It sounds like he's pretty cool and wouldn't be not dating you just to make a point and "force" you to get out of the closet. But if you want to know for sure, you should prolly try and find some way to ask him. Not that I'm taking my own advice, haha.
It's common for people who are early on in the "coming out" process to look very close to home for potential boy/girlfriends and/or hook-ups. Why? Well, two obvious ones. One, you already know this person, and so you won't have to bother with the "getting to know you" awkwardness of a new person. Two, this person probably can keep a secret. If you do end up together, s/he'll probably be accepting of "keeping things on the downlow". There are probably several other reasons, but that'll do for now. The fact that your friend considered getting together with you probably isn't surprising in the slightest. I mean, you're friends, you're both gay/bi, why not? But it sounds like he decided that wasn't a good move, and he told you so. The last bit of "my feelings may change" sort of sounds like a cushion. Something he added so you weren't too distraught over his answer. The problem with such cushions is that people tend to cling to them pretty tightly. Think about something polite you might say to somebody who wanted to date you, but you weren't really interested in them. Not outright lies, mind you, but just pleasant things that might take the sting off. "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship right now." ("Oh, so if I wait around until he IS, he'll want to date me!") "I'm worried that that might ruin our friendship." ("If I can convince him that it won't, he'll want to date me!") "I just don't really think of you in that context." ("If I start acting more seductive around him, he'll want to date me!") You see how that goes? It honestly sounds like that's what he was heading for there. In which case, I'd just take it as a no. Of course, he's totally accurate - his feelings MIGHT change. But I wouldn't sit around waiting for them to do so, and I certainly wouldn't do anything to try to change those feelings for him. Lex
I have been liking him long before anyone knew he was gay... so it isn't just a case of asking him because its close to home, its because these feelings have been here for a while and its only just recently I acted on them. But I do see where you're coming from. I admit that I am clinging onto what he said and I wish it was just a no and not something in the middle. But it wasn't just a no and that's just what is getting to me. I do appreciate your reply though so thank you!
I know it probably seems like I'm dragging this but can anyone else offer their opinion? :/ I appreciate the current contributions greatly <3
