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Letting go

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Janos, Apr 18, 2012.

  1. Janos

    Janos Guest

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    So, after my ex finally told me the truth of how he made out with another guy and decided to stay in touch with him because he liked him (i.e. wanted to take things further with him) whilst still seeing me and then treated me like shit to try and get me to dump him I was pretty angry and told him that I didn't want to even look at him again.

    Thing is, my ex and I were good friends before we started seeing each other and as we both go to the same place to play magic the gathering (I was one of the guys who set it up there and helped run it) we are goig to run into each other. I was feeling very down about the whole thing and realised that as I am very non-confrontational and hate holding grudges part of the reason I was feeling so bad was because I was harbouring so much ill-will for him.

    Long story short I took a few days to myself then send him a message telling him I forgave him and that I didn't want our friendship to fall apart despite it all, though we'd never be anything more. After doing this I felt a lot better, letting go of the grudges and anger helped, only thing is he hasn't contacted me back since, not even to say thanks or whatever....just nothing at all in 2 days.

    I knew him as a friend and partner for a good 16 months total, is he just showing his true colours now? That he's immature and cowardly or too prideful to accept forgiveness or is he deliberately doing it to toy with my own insecurities? I was also concerned because the guy he was chasing came to me to ask me questions about what my ex had told me was the "truth" so is he annoyed that I was talking to his current target?

    I dunno, most would say I'm stupid for even trying to mend things but the more I hold onto bad feeling and grudges the worse and more stressed I feel.
     
  2. pancake111

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    I think if you still like the guy (as a friend) and you still want to be friends, then you should try to make it work. I believe that things are only awkward between two people, if they make it awkward. Just act like friends when you're with him, not like exes. But if you find that you two just aren't getting along, then maybe you shouldn't be friends. But definetely try to make it work
     
  3. TroubledRyan

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    The simple fact is that it is extremely hard to mend a long term relationship like that.
    You forgave him, which is important for YOURSELF, not him. People need to forgive, other wise they harbor really spitful feelings that is not healthy. You did the right thing, but I honestly wouldn't expect him to talk to you, at least not right now.
    So just move on, and don't let it get to you! You seem like a good guy!
     
  4. Janos

    Janos Guest

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    Yeah I guess so, Iw as just confused as he had tried to mend the friendship whilst keeping all of what actually happened a secret (apologised for treating me badly but never told me the truth of everything else) and I'd accepted. When I found out the truth from him he was very apologetic and guilty so I guess I just thought forgiving him would allow him to interact with me again.
     
  5. Filip

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    If he proved anything in his actions by trying to get you to dump him, it's that he is, on the emotional level, a coward.
    And similar examples from previous threads of yours only encourage me in that view.

    Apparently, he's just one of those people who can't bring themselves to face up to emotional issues, and just look the other way or focus on other stuff, hoping it will go away or sort itself out. Even if it means hurting people, he'll do so, as long as he can do it passively.

    That doesn't mean he's necessarily a horrible person through and through. To some level, I'm an emotional coward myself.
    But don't keep expecting him to just change. Dealing with issues of reconciliation and forgiveness and actively trying to rebuild a friendship might be more than he's capable of. It would mean expressing his emotions (while not being cornered or forced to do so), and require stressful investment on his part. He read your e-mail, but he'll probably do what he always did: just not deal with it until it either goes away, or sorts itself out.


    So: take that as a baseline. If you run in to him, then just treat it as bygones. Be casually friendly, and treat him as you would any acquaintance.
    Apart from that, I'd seriously caution against getting involved more. It's not up to you to fix him or his relationship. After a lot of history, sometimes being just "acquaintances who occasionally run into each other" is the best you can hope for.
     
  6. Janos

    Janos Guest

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    Yeah I'd agree with that Filip. I guess I was approaching things from "what would I do in this situation" instead of what he was likely to do. I guess he always confused me somewhat, when telling me the whole truth about what he did he inferred part of his reason for not being too worried about cheating was because he thought "we weren't going anywhere" despite the reason for that being his constant blow offs, flakes and excuses everytime I arranged for us to spend time together...