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getting used to being stared at?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Curly, Apr 18, 2012.

  1. Curly

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    I wanted to ask if any of you look obviously different or "gay" and get the stares or the double takes. How do you get used to it?

    I guess I was sort of prepared myself to get some looks if I started to look more guyish.
    But truth be told, when people stare I get really self conscious and nervous, and makes me want to hide. I already try to avoid public bathrooms when I look like a boy. What should I do? Do I just try to get used to it? Any tips on how to ignore it better?
     
  2. Atticus

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    For me, I don't really pass very well, but sometimes I look masculine enough that it makes it very hard for others to decide what to call me (they don't have the right to decide what to call me either). I'll be at a gas station, for example, and the cashier will look at me and say "Have a good day, ma'am... Sir... Have a nice day." I like that a lot. It makes me feel better. Like I'm getting better at passing.

    Look for non-gender bathrooms. Using this website, you can easily find unisex/family bathrooms. Unfortunately, there are none where I live, but you may have better luck. If people stare at you, I like to ask extra politely "May I help you?" Usually they will back the fuck off. Otherwise, brush it off. You are perfect as you are, and it is not their right to know everything about you.
     
  3. suninthesky

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    When you are able to PM, you should message me - I feel where you're coming from and maybe we could talk about it. =)
     
  4. Harlequin

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    I've always dressed obviously androgynously, and never wear dresses, and I quite enjoyed when I was younger when people would take me for a boy. Right now, since I have shoulder-length hair, that doesn't really happen, but once I cut it I'm pretty sure I can pass for a (tiny, seemingly preteen) boy with slightly feminine features and a too-feminine lower body (hips and backside)

    However, being known quite well as a "nerd," not many people question my odd clothing, which is a plus.

    Gender-neutral bathrooms are going to become a problem when I'm able to pass... if there are none near me, I might just resort to waiting till nobody's around and slipping into the girls', or something like that.
     
  5. Phoenix91

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    Actually I have had an awkward moment when it comes to being thought of as a guy. Personally I don't think I'm masculine looking but this particular day I was wearing a cap( my hair is collar length), baggy black sweatshirt, kind of baggy jeans (forgot to wear my belt), and skate shoes. As I am looking around an arts and crafts store this little kid in the same aisle is looking at me (by the way the kid looked like he was about 4 years old) he just continues to stare while his mom is in the next aisle. The little boy than says "is that a man?" he keeps staring I just look at him. Than the little boy calls for his mom and tells her he saw a "pretty man" and he wanted to show her. I was like O S*** . Lol the mom follows him and she just stares and has no idea what to say so she won't offend me. All I do is smile at her and the little boy. He ended up following me throughout the store ....
    I'm not transgendered myself so I felt weird being mistaken for a man but at the same time I didn't mind. Weird.
     
  6. Curly

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    I told 2 of my friends about how I felt about it and I got mixed reviews.

    One friend gave me a quote "The minute you start caring about what other people think, is the minute you stop being yourself".

    My other friend ment well. She suggested that I perhaps try to dress differently so people won't stare. When I told her that I don't want to pretend to be someone else, she said "then you are gonna have to accept/expect people to look". I know she doesn't mean it in a negative way, but she does reflect some of the thoughts people have. That I chose to dress the way I dress, and I could choose to dress more gender acceptable if I really wanted to.

    I know rationally that there isn't anything I can do about the staring other than accept it. I guess I am just not used to it yet, and I thought perhaps ranting about it might help. Others can feel free to use this to complain and rage away.
     
  7. silverhalo

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    I think the person that said to ask them 'may I help you?' has it spot on but I understand its not always so easy to do. Sometimes its people being rude and sometimes I think it is just the curiosity that is human nature, like sometimes I catch myself staring at people not because I have a problem with them, who they are, how they are dressed or anything else, I just like people watching. I have also caught myself starring at gay couples because I like seeing them, it makes me feel warm inside but if they caught me staring then unless im with my girlfriend then chances are they could possibly think I was starring because they are gay which is not really the reason.
    Im not that this helps you much but just to say that try not to take offence by people if they do stare it doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you. Just try to hold your head up high, the more confidence you can have in your own appearance the less you will care.
     
  8. mischa91

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    I don't really have that problem. Some people stare at me because i'm damn short but i usually either ignore it or look them directly in the eye, makes most folks self conscious enough to look away.

    I say just try to ignore people staring. I'll have to do that today, my new hair did not co-operate this morning so i am wearing a hat that makes me look like a chimney sweep. My dad actually sang me a little chimney sweep song when i got to work. :slight_smile:

    About the public bathrooms, i've been in men's rooms before when the women's line was too long; you've just got to be confident enough to walk right in and try not to stare at the other people peeing.
     
  9. Curly

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    Yea, to my friends I sound confident enough and I usually look like I've got things under control. But inside, I think I am pretty insecure about myself. I guess this is all still pretty new to me.

    Silverhalo is probably right. When I see gay couples with kids, I also do some staring of my own becuase I love seeing it and it makes me all happy.

    I probably don't have the guts to do what Atticus suggested and say "can I help you" even though it is an excellent response. Maybe I'll do mischa's direct eye contact with the silent implicit "what you looking at?".
     
  10. silverhalo

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    I think you just have to keep doing it even though it is a bit stressful and overtime it will become easier and easier, its like wearing in a pair of shoes.
     
  11. Curly

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    So I thought I would post this anecdotal story here.

    I was on the subway from work today, and this was this dude there who I thought was dressed pretty put together. He asked me if I was gay :eek: and yup this is toronto, which is a super open place in Canada!! I was shocked at being asked by a random stranger and I told him it's none of his business. He responded with "yup you must be. I am going to pray for you." and he whipped out a set of rosary beads and started what I assumed was praying.

    OMG :roflmao: I was dying from trying not to laugh out loud ( ... failed miserably). I know it sometimes isn't a good idea to laugh because it may provoke people. But i just couldn't help myself. He looked so ridiculous. People around me was like "what is wrong with this dude". What are the chances of meeting someone so entertaining. a few months ago this would probably have terrified me, but this was just plain funny
     
  12. SkyDiver

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    Seriously...?

    And people around you actually heard what he said?

    He's pretty lucky he didn't get some sort of violent reaction. This is Canada after all. :lol:
     
  13. ArcherySet

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    You should have whipped out your full sized ram skull mounted on a wrought iron pentagram and started chanting in Latin...

    Oh? Am I the only one who carries one of those in my messenger bag for such an occasion?
     
  14. Lj94

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    I'm kinda used to it. Overall, I get some looks off people my own age, but anyone older and anyone younger normally looks at me and thinks I'm a dude. Love it when shop clerks or someone says "sir" or anything.
    But I had it my whole life where I was getting stared st and bullied, fuck the haters and tell em where to go :slight_smile:
     
  15. malachite

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    Well I don't get stared at for actting gay, but I do cosplay and get looks from that.

    My advice:

    People are going to judge it's in their nature, while they are judging you no one is judging them. Stop caring what people think, especially strangers. If someone has something to say but doesn't have the balls to say it your face THEY are the coward, and if they chose to say it to your face it's usually when they have an army of friends there to back them up.

    "Don't let the opinions of people who don't matter get to you."
     
  16. Farouche

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    I love it when little kids think I'm a guy! Usually I can pass as a guy to kids up to about eight, I wish adults would think the same way...

    shfh, I enjoyed that story about the guy with the rosary beads. Yes, there are people like that, and all we can do is laugh at them. :lol:
     
  17. Curly

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    Yea it was a pretty packed train and people heard. No one intervened probably because of my violent bout of laughter :icon_bigg. I think it was pretty dumb of him... down town Toronto ... it is generally a really accepting place with lots of gay folk. He may not be so lucky next time.

    @farouche: Yea kids say the funniest things. I don't actually try to pass exactly, not always, but I do dress in pretty boyish cloths.

    I had a sort of embarrassing story when I was leaving a martial arts club after teaching some kids. As I was walking out, a boy stopped and said that I was the only girl he has seen wear jeans. The girls around him were confused said that they wore jeans too. He responded with "no, I mean she is the only girl I've seen who wears guy jeans" I was :eek: stunned, I smiled and nodded and walked away. The awkward time between recognizing the difference between what girls and boys wear... and understanding what that could mean :icon_bigg. I was their teacher, but at the time I don't think it was really up to me to explain it to them and cause some sort of up roar. Do you guys think I should have or not?
     
    #17 Curly, Apr 28, 2012
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2012