Caught between breaking down a barrier and sweeping it under the rug

Summary

I have been questioning my sexuality in earnest for 2 years. I am seeking ideas in how I can further break down the barrier I face within myself. In seeking a clear view of who I am sexually it appears the only true choice for me is to actually experiment sexually with men. The idea terrifies me. After all the work I have been through described below, I am still not sure I could live with myself in going with this direction. I have spent a lot of energy trying to justify the need not to do this and find a woman but it always comes back to me somehow.

Details

As an only child I did what I was told growing up, never rebelled as a teen, had tremendous anxiety around dating women because by the time I realized I had to be proactive about it I was in my 20s and humiliated by being a virgin. I always found women attractive and pleasured myself to porn and images in place of having real women in my life. I had attractions and crushes of women and looking back there was a time or two where I found men attractive and I squashed it after barely making it into my subconscious.

After years of chaste futile dates I finally lost my virginity at 32 after dating a woman for a month. I never thought it would happen and had to almost pinch myself. I enjoyed it but had arousal issues. The arousal issues happened 3 of the 4 times we tried. I was really aroused during foreplay and really into her being hot and then when it came to the real thing I lost it. Was it anxiety? I sure had it, or was it something else? One of the first and most crushing thoughts I had was I must be gay.

After that relationship ended I hit the ground running trying to get another woman but pressing didn't work. Around the same time I had a few experiences where men appeared really attractive to me. This continued to increase. I would experience wild swings where I would be attracted to women and I'd be euphoric and believe I was straight and then it would turn and it would seem like I was gay and the weight of the world would feel on my shoulders.

Finally after one stretch where my attractions to men appeared particularly real I opened up to my parents, who were the 2 people that I thought I could rely on in this world for support. I had other friends but did not have any close emotional bonds. I guess I was a typical guy who had my emotional shields up and just wanted to be cool, straight, and fit in. In talking to my parents, I said I didn't know anymore if I was straight or gay, and my mother couldn't deal with it, saying she couldn't handle what others would think.

This was crushing and honestly I have her same personality and still cannot really deal myself with what others would think. This process has taught me that sexuality is not a choice, there is no clear cut answer, and I have tremendous respect for those that are homosexual and have the strength to love openly in this world. As for in myself, though, I cannot seem to get around the fact that since all others do not feel it is okay to be gay I cannot handle any them not liking that part of me.

Not only am I not willing to experiment at this moment I cannot get aroused my a man ... fantasy, porn or otherwise. however, I see attractive me all the time and I am like wow, how is that guy so attractive, how is this possible? This esecially happens when men that are young and very masculine or effeminate. Confidence and traditionally hotness also does it. They are all over the place and drive me nuts frankly. I just want them to be gone from the world. The wiser side of me knows I have to ultimately embrace all that I experience ... easier said than done!

So, over the past year, I have had only one other sexual experience, with a woman. I enjoyed it but she ended it before we got far enough for me to get some confidence in believing I can have a long term sexual relationship with a woman. The most pushing the envelope I have done investigate my male attractions is joining a fellow question friend at male and female strip clubs in one night. I even got a private dance with a guy. Nothing became any clearer from it, however. As hard as I tried, I was not ready to be open sexually to such a thing.

I have made a lot of progress on being more human and open due to my soul searching. I realize my attractions to men are real and not going away. I have sought help in a social worker, a men's group, a GLBT group, and found deeper friends in my questioning process and relied less on my parents. If I feel safe with people, I can go on and on about my struggles in an honest way. However, without safety I just ask myself, what am I going to do?

Right now in my life I just went on a first date with a woman a few days ago, I thought she was cute, felt a little connection and will be seeing her again. When I explained to my social worker this, he asked me, what outcome I see as the most positive. I replied "I find the woman of my dreams and live happily ever after" and pointed out that the most positive outcome from his perspective is experimenting and really knowing my sexuality and then going after what I want. I cannot argue but I am still trying to get out of it.

It certainly appears my sexuality is uniquely my own and I cannot seem to cleanly just date women and let the rest go. I am open to thoughts on how to open what seems like a cement wall.