Hi, everyone! I'm new to these forums, very new in fact this is my first post. I'm not sure where to start. I think for some time I've wanted to try living as female. I've had a fascination with crossdressing in general, I can't say for sure when that started but it's probably been there since I was very young. I've seem to really appreciate the beauty of women to the extent that not only do I as a male find myself very attracted to it but I also tend to feel somewhat envious of it and wish that I could look as beautiful myself. This probably sounds like I could be a transgendered woman, trapped in a male body but then another issue arises: I actually like being male. I very much appreciate being a man and I appreciate my penis. I don't want to lose that aspect of myself. Hormone Replacement Therapy seems like a saving grace for those Male-to-Female (MtF) transgendered individuals looking to transition into a woman full-time (at least from the experiences I viewed of successful MtF women on various Youtube channels, which by the way have been greatly helpful and informative). It seems your body changes, your mood changes, your mannerisms change to adjust to a more feminine nature. And that's fine. That seems great for full-time MtF individuals, but I'm not looking to adjust full-time. I can't be sure if this makes any sense to anyone out there but I wish I could be able to alter back and forth between male and female at my discretion. I would love to be able to try and live as a woman for several weeks at a time, and then revert back to a man afterward. Perhaps maybe even alternate on a day-to-day basis depending on the mood. To many, it probably seems I'm merely a confused MtF transgendered too scared to commit to a full-time change. I am confused, very confused, about my situation in general but also because I don't see this type of issue among the transgendered community. Not once. Sure, I've seen cases of people not being completely happy with their life even after transitioning with HRT that they revert back months or years later, but not of someone wanting to switch back and forth "on the fly" days or weeks at a time. I'm am scared because I don't want to start down a path with HRT that will change who I am or how I act or what makes me me. I don't want to lose the male part of myself. Another concern of mine is that I am a very hairy person. I don't even know where to begin with tackling that issue. Shaving? Waxing? Laser? What works and what doesn't? Shaving seems like a huge hassle, especially with the regrowth coming in fuller and thicker (which isn't exactly an old wives' tale in my experience). And it's everywhere! All over my arms, the back of my hands, knuckles, chest, stomach, legs, buttocks, everywhere! I can shave my face in the morning only for the stubble to reappear later that night. It's unbearable. I'm aware that HRT could take care of that problem but like I've said before that's a path I'd rather not take if I can avoid it. The hair is a much minor concern compared to everything else, but it's removal would cause another. My family and friends would start asking question. I'm very much in the closet with this. That's another thing I'm very scared about. I'm living in an environment that would be very much against or not understanding about my wishing to explore who I am. Not that they're hateful people, only that they're very close-minded and judgemental, and this is the type of thing that they would prefer to leave unsaid or not be aware of. Even when certain things have been brought into the open, they would prefer to ignore any elephants in the room. This does tend to leave me feeling very alone with this issue, in that there isn't really anyone I can discuss this with (which again brings me to the Youtube videos for guidance--but that's mostly a one-way street). And really, before I even decide to out myself, I'd like to be closer to knowing where I actually stand and more of a sense of who I am. I'd hate to just say "hey I'm confused about whether I want to be a guy or a girl, or I might be transgendered or just gay or bisexual, but want to change back and forth, or maybe just try it for a while and see how it goes." That would be really confusing for them to just lay it down like that. I figured they would be much more understanding if I could know more about myself and where I'm heading than just throwing something like that at them. If that makes any sense. But it's the truth. I don't really know where I stand. At first I thought I just might have been gay or at least bisexual. I noticed I started to fancy the penis quite a bit, but I still really love women. So I experimented with watching gay and transsexual porn but that wasn't really doing it for me the way straight porn would. I would sometimes fantasize about being in the woman's position in straight porn, and that would be a huge turn on for me. So I just assumed it was a sexual fantasy, something that just gets me off. I would dress up in women's clothing in secret while home alone and it would be an outlet for sexual needs. The thought of being in women's clothing and the feel of the fabric and acting like a woman would turn me on sexually. However, sometimes it would get to the point where it wasn't even a sexual thing. I would sometimes just enjoy wearing women's clothing itself and wear them while relaxing around the house. They were so comforting to wear. I felt more feminine and natural in them. I would then begin to fantasize about what it was like to be with a man not necessarily in a sexual way, but just to be held or spooned or kissed. Just a general feeling of comfort or feeling safe or taken care of, of being treated like a lady. I haven't been able to dress up for some years now due to my current living situation, but even now I'll have dreams every so often in which I'm a woman and I'm with a man who treats me that way -- and it. feels. amazing! Or sometimes just as a woman living life comfortable in her/my own skin. I don't want to come across as insulting to transgendered individuals who truly feel they were put in the body (and I apologize if I do), but even after wishing to experience what it feels like to be a woman, I still don't want to lose that male part of myself and go full-time. I still enjoy being a man and playing the masculine role. Maybe this is really just a fantasy I only want to live out for a few weeks, or maybe this is a new part of myself that's dying to get out. I can't say. I'm just confused and at a loss, and I'm really hoping I'm not alone and that there is someone out there that can help me understand what I'm going through and share their knowledge and experiences with me to help guide me to something less confusing. I wrote this in quick venting manner so please if I've left out anything at all that would be useful to know (I'm 30 btw) or you have any questions to anything else, ask away. I'm not easily offended so blunt and truthful insights and questions are welcome (please correct me if I've used the wrong spelling or terminology--I'm still learning). Sorry for the wall of text but thanks for taking the time to read my mess. I very much appreciate it. =) TL;DR - I'd like to transition to a female without HRT to retain my maleness, but would still like to feel like a woman. Any members available to share how they've accomplished this themselves?
WELL, first and foremost, welcome to the forum! Let me be the first to tell you that you are among friends here. As far as your concerns go, I admit I don't have the same propensity as you, but I well offer my advice nonetheless (as everyone is entitled to my opinion...) I think that at this point, you know that you like cross dressing and beyond that are not entirely sure, and that's perfectly fine. It's all about being engaged in the process of discovering who you are and not jumping directly to the "end point." So, I would say to go ahead and dress as a woman and truly stay in the moment. Become fully aware of what exactly is so pleasing about playing that role (which you definitely touched on in your initial post). And when you feel comfortable doing that alone, step it up a notch. Get dressed up for a night on the town and go to a club or bar or wherever you feel comfortable. Life is a series of risks and chances that we take that we hope will work out in the end. As far as the hair question, there's no need to jump to drastic measures (until you feel ready that is). I'd say just dress strategically at first. Wear something with long sleeves and a long skirt (or whatever) to cover up any worrisome spots. Otherwise you could get away with shaving your face, neck, hands, and upper chest with no family member being the wiser, but still feeling lady-like. And that in a nut shell is what a typical gay man can offer as advice. Hope it helped.
Re: Still figuring things out, so confused. Hi there and welcome to EC! I'm glad you've found this site. We're nothing if not open minded and supportive - even if not many of us can relate to what it is you're experiencing. I certainly understand you're desire to 'come out' only once you've got a better handle on this. I think that makes sense, especially if you're considering coming out to people who might not be very open minded or understanding. Otherwise, this sounds like something you'll need to work out yourself. It's a tough situation - because what you describe is a little like 'having your cake and eating it too'. However, I live in the Toronto area - which is quite liberal and accepting of the LGBT community - and we have a large 'gay village' downtown. And when I'm down there at bars there are a couple of men who dress in drag. They don't pass at all as women. One has a full beard! But it must be something that they like to do and that makes them feel good - even though they obviously aren't trying to be women. They're OK with it, and because of the area that they're out in others are OK with it too. Presumably they like it and feel good going it - which sounds like you. But it requires them to have a pretty solid sense of who they are and not be too concerned about what others think of them - because you are putting yourself at risk of ridicule (unfortunately). So there are options for you - and you aren't alone. That's for sure.
First of all, wow. Thank you both so much. That's what I've noticed about this site, everyone is so welcoming and supportive. I love it. I feared my ramblings may have been hard to understand what I'm struggling with, but I got such precise and coherent advice in return. It puts my situation in perspective to take a step back, take a deep breath and take it one little by little. NickD, that makes sense to take it slowly. I often get caught up in those Youtube channels where these beautiful MtF women have reached their end points, that I forget about the transitioning periods of exploring and understanding what exactly it is I'm looking for in myself. And strangely, I do prefer the type of women clothes that cover more skin like jeans and long-sleeved shirts rather than short trimmed dresses. I don't know why I had forgotten about taking that route for going out. Probably being envious of those Youtube girls again. Thanks for that. Jim1454, the way you put it of "having my cake and eating it too", I feared that could be the case which is probably why I'm struggling with this situation. I fear I won't be able to have both, but I don't think I'm quite ready to choose a side or ever will be. And I would really prefer to look passable when dressed up. Like I mentioned before, I love beautiful women so much that I'd love to mirror that beauty. I don't want to be just a transvestite with a beard. But I'm not sure how far I could get without HRT use, although I have been told I have pretty facial features for a guy. So who knows. I just got to dress up, make-up and see where it goes. Thanks you so much. I just have to take it from here, and try a night out on the town. Finding a partner-in-crime is going to be tough however. All my male friends are super macho and suspected homophobes. I'd be too terrified to go it alone. Any ideas on how to find some girlfriends or what-have-you? Or should I brave the liberal gay scenes and hope for the best?
