My Son...

I think you should not take it so personally with your son. This is a delicate issue with sexual orientation, and no matter how close you are with him, many people do not want to talk about it with anyone. I know that when I was 14, I was so scared about anyone finding out and didn't want to talk about it. The only thing you can do is say to him you will love him no matter what and he can come to you if wants to talk. Having the support of parents is vital for anyone dealing with confusion. I wish I had supportive parents. So please, do not pester him about it and let him come to you. If you keep bringing it up he will only retreat further into his shell and stop talking to you. Hope this helped.

 

My most immediate thought after reading this: Why are you so shocked and concerned? You came here because you're looking for help, if you can elaborate then I'm sure we can help quell some of your fears. The members on EC come from all walks of life, so we've got no shortage of perspectives.

Secondly, think about it this way. He was questioning his sexuality, and the only way (not wanting to tell anyone) to do that was to look at porn. Knowing you wouldn't be happy with him looking at porn OR liking guys, what would make him want to come talk to you about it? It's perfectly normal behaviour for someone who is "closeted" to want to deal with it themselves, and doesn't reflect anything on what you've done as a parent. Given that he tells you everything, he puts a lot of value on your reaction... and I'm sure he didn't want to let you know until he was sure, so that you would be as least upset as possible. Trust me (and everyone else here who has been closeted), he wasn't not telling you because he didn't trust you or anything like that, he didn't because he felt that was what was best for him. Questioning is a very personal and stressful process (as you're now learning); it's basically recreating your whole identity, particularly when he's a teenager and is struggling to find his social identity beyond his sexuality.

Like your son, I used to tell my mom everything, up until I started questioning my sexuality. To date, I've "come out" to all the important people in my life except my family. Why? Even though I know they won't have a problem with it, I let my fears get the best of me... "what if they don't accept me?" is a big concern. It's irrational and silly, but it's still there. When family is something most people are raised to believe is the most important thing, you want to do everything in your power to avoid losing it. No matter how much you trust them.

Your son sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders. If you love him and trust him, then take what he says at face-value; he's bisexual. And really, it doesn't mean a whole lot. It just means he's capable of loving anyone, regardless of gender... and if he's okay with that, isn't that something to be proud of?

Keep doing what you're doing. Remind your son that you love him, and that you're willing to support him no matter what, and that ultimately who he decides to date doesn't matter to you, so long as he's happy. As long as you have his best interests in mind (which you obviously do, since you're asking questions here) and continue to communicate openly with him, you can't really do any wrong.

And welcome to EC! Hopefully you'll stay a while and learn a bit more about whatever you need.

 

That is not for you to worry about, every gay guy goes through this at some point, about society being descriminative due to orientation, it happens eventually to every gay.

What you need to do is stop worrying about this, and just focus on telling him how you don't care about it, you need to make sure he understands you love him no matter what, and that being bisexual OR gay is absolutely nothing to worry about. He may indeed be gay, just maybe in shock. Coming out as bisexual is common amongst the gay community, as it gives false hope to the parents. Make sure you're prepared if he ever comes out as gay to you, he can still adopt/get a surrogate, but any hopes you have that required him to at least be bi need to disappear now.

Also, sorry but got bad news for you - He won't stop watching porn. My father made it impossible for me to load any possible pornographic images or videos, to the point where I couldn't look at YouTube anymore (this was a few years ago, got my own computer now), I still found my way past it. Either way the images are in his head, he could always delete his browser history.

While watching porn may not be the best thing in the world, he will continue if he can.

I would suggest maybe giving it a few weeks or a few months, if he hasn't talked to you about it further I would advise having a conversation with him, and reassure him that being gay is not a problem if he is.

Even if is bi, he should feel reassured that you don't mind about his feelings. However, if he really is gay, even coming out as bi can still make you very depressed often, sometimes even more, as he is ALMOST out but not quite.

Hope some of this helps, all the best.

 

First of all: hi, and welcome to EC! :smilewave I hope you can find the help and support you need here!

Secondly: you're definitely not being a bad mom here. It's only normal to be shocked at first. You can't help but have lots of scenarios how your kids will turn out, and I'm sure (almost) none of them take into account that they could be non-straight. So that's quite an adjustment for any parent. You stressing loving him no matter what is really the best reaction.

In fact, believe it or not, it's usually just as shocking for the person discovering they're attracted to the same gender. When I was younger, I kind of assumed I was straight by default, and when I realised I really was gay, it was quite confusing (doubly so, because figuring out you're gay is very much realising you were gay all along, and suddenly everything that felt strange in your life makes sense in an entirely new light). It's not uncommon to notice it at around 14 years either. I first noticed that I crushed on guys when I was about 13, and I've heard similar stories from other people. Some fight it for longer, some don't notice it until later, but 14 is definitely not abnormally early.

The fact that it takes a bit of time to accept for himself also probably explains why he didn't trust you right away with it. Figuring out this kind of thing takes time (from first noticing a same-sex attraction, over "wait this can't be?" and "maybe I should really think this through one more time!" to "yup, definitely not straight"). Usually you need to work through that alone for a bit.

And you usually have more friends than parents. So if coming out to friends goes badly, then you can just find new friends (or focus on the ones that are accepting). You only have one set of parents, so most gay or bi kids tend to wait until they have some support network before coming out to parents.
Also, friends tend to have less expectations of us. Parents do, and it's always a bit more daunting to risk disappointing parents. So that's why a lot of people wait a bit before coming out to their parents. Not because they don't care about their parents, but maybe because they care most about their parents.

This would actually explain the porn as well. Porn can be unhealthy, sure, but when you're trying to figure out whether you really are attracted to guys or girls, it also serves as good "reference material". And it's definitely less risky than going out and experimenting with random guys or girls.


In any case: don't panic. You're doing fine. Accepting him the way he is is just what he needs right now. If you have questions, don't hesitate to ask them, and generally just try to be as open about it as possible.
And don't worry about how he'll deal with the rest of the world. Society is way more accepting than it ever was, and it will become more accepting in the future. And if he has the support of his friends and family, he can definitely deal with it!

In any case: I hope the above helped a bit. Don't hesitate to keep posing if we can be of more help!

 

This. I hope this doesn't offend you but I don't think you made the best reaction. Your son is going through a lot right now with his sexuality and it can be a very hard and stressful life for a queer person, and the last thing he needs is for you and the other family members to act shocked. Also: We know he is only 14, but a lot of people figure out their sexuality around the time they're tweens, sometimes teens, so he's probably being serious.

Just remember: Lot's of hugs, lot's of kisses, not many questions. He really needs your support, and as a fellow LGBT person, I know he does. Don't try to act shocked, and it's good you didn't act badly, but just cool it down a little bit. He is who he is and just be happy with whatever path he takes.

 

he is developing an ulcer due to stress...
he lost his bio dad (you mentioned his father was late)....more stress
his bio brother has mental health issues and requires meds and taunts him repeatedly with gay slurs.... more and more stress
his mom tells him porn isn't allowed in the house so he has to hide it on his phone....more stress and lying and hiding.

look at the above.... he is a bisexual adn probably full-on homosexual at this point and just trying to ease you into the "mom, im gay" conversation. he needs love and support and and a supportive environment. also you need to have a talk with him about sex because tehse kids nowadays are doing it younger and younger and experimenting and such and they know little about diseases. and if he knows you freaked out about the gay porn adn him being bisexual, he definitely isn't goign to tell you about gay sex. so you have to talk to him first and supply condoms and protection because if you don't your baby boy will start acting out and doing it with some gay kids at school or worse from the internet which can be really dangerous.

he's gay, everyone knows it. even his brother that harrasses and verbally abuses him. im sure the kids at schoool bully and harrass him too. poor kid, there doesn't seem to be any peaceful place for hiim to exist. as far as teh older brother, yes, he has some issues, but he needs to respect yoru rules too and stop verbally abusing his brother. the kid is developing an ulcer over this.

you are a good mom and it's normal to be shocked. but if you start mandating he can't be gay and maybe you're not gay and maybe this is a phase (which maybe it is but its doubtful) then he is going to turn against you and turn towards people that will try and use and exploit him for sex. there's some sickos out there so just be careful of turning him to those types of people. when kids can't get help, they use other ways to ease the pain (sex, drugs, rock & roll, runaways, hooking up, ditching schoool, etc.).

 

Hi and welcome to ec

First of all,thankyou for taking the time to look for information and also for telling your son you love him whatever he ends up identifying as.These are both a very good start to a great relationship with your son.This is a great site to find when in your position, and can offer suppot to you and your son.

Everything you have described sounds quite normal for a teenager discovering same sex attraction,then going through the turmoil of being differant,denying who you are,and finally accepting who you are.

Admitting that you are bi/gay to anyone is hard but admitting it to your parents is on a whole new level,it seems so much safer to tell a friend or two because if they reject you they can be replaced, where as you live with your parents and "what if" is all that goes through your mind when it comes to telling them.Not many parents are on the top of the coming out list so dont feel too hurt and dont dwell on it.

If he has told you he is bi/gay or whatever,you have to believe him,he would not have told you this until he was sure and he certainly is old enough to know.He sounds like an honest lad,to come out like that and admitt to asking yourself over and over took some doing and must be commended.

You are not being a bad mom at all,moms who take the time to come here(a gay website) to get support and learn what is happening to there son are being the best mom you can be.

I understand your concern with the porn but in his defence,the porn has probably helped him work out some of his confusion and something you are drawn to when confused.

I hope you stay around for a while,you could also point your son in our direction.If you choose to tell him about this site and dont want him reading this,the mods will be happy to remove your post.Somewhere in the forum not to long ago we had a father write in after having simmilar findings and a porn addiction in the past,this could be a good read for you.(I will try to find it).

Another good place to look for would be your local phlag centre,a very good resource for parents of gay children.

 

Welcome to EC!

First off, try not to panic too much about the pornography. For many guys, it's how they come to grips with their earliest sexual urges. Trust me - it's better for them to work through this staring at naked guys on their screens than trying to catch a peek in the locker room, or even more sordid places.

Second of all, and this one's going to be tougher to understand - this is not about you. He did not hide it from you because of some sort of failing on your part. He told his friends because he felt (probably accurately) that they would "get it" easier than you did. He wouldn't have to explain how he knew, or answer a bunch of questions. They'd just say "Oh, OK, you're bi" and life would go on.

And see, there's the good news. It's 2012. More and more, people get it. That some people are just gay/bi, and so be it. It's less of a big deal now. Yeah, there are still people out there who might give him grief about it, and it's a good idea for him to be cautious about who he tells until he can verify his safety and well-being. But he's not destined for a life of loneliness or unhappiness due to his sexuality.

What should you do? Just tell him you're processing the information. You might need some time to come to grips with it. You might have some dumb questions for him (and I would in fact tell him, straight up, "I might have some dumb questions for you"), and ask him if he could answer them anyway, just so you can learn. And tell him you'll support him no matter what.

You might check out PFLAG. They have a lot of information for parents of gay, bi, trans and questioning teens. Their website is PFLAG: Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays.

Also, if you think he might benefit, you're more than welcome to tell him about our website here. Again, it'll be his call whether or not he thinks he wants/needs the community and/or support. But you're always welcome to come by and ask whatever questions you might have.

Lex

 

Hey :smilewave welcome to EC

Personally I don't think acting shocked is necessarily a bad thing, I'm sure if (hopefully when) I'm a parent if one of my kids comes out to me (unless it's blindingly obvious) I will probably be shocked. Letting him know how you feel supports a relationship of trust, but that trust does need to be upheld with support at this time in his life. So be reasurring, but not overbearing . . . I know that's not particularly explanative advice, but try to follow it.

I understand why he doesn't want his brother to know, if his brother is teasing him the he will feel as though his brother has a problem with it and although this may not be the case it would make the idea of coming out daunting.

I don't think you're being a bad mother at all. Though 14 is not early. I first realised I was attracted to girls at 11 (though females hit puberty 1/2 (sometimes 3 or more) years earlier than males so bare that in mind). However it took me a long time of questioning myself to come to terms with that. I came out as bi to my friends and whole school year basically, before I came out to my family. It really is not unusual to come out to friends before family! Don't stress yourself out about it. Just inform yourself and research and such in preparation for him coming to you. Prepare yourself to be able to guide him in any aspect of this whenever he needs it.

Also as has already been said often coming out as bisexual is often a stepping stone on the process of coming out. I'm not saying that it's not possible to be truly bi as bi definately is a real sexaulity! But it is also possible that it is part of the process (unconsciously) of coming out as gay. He may also genuinely believe that he is bi, so don't ask him if he is sure as he probably isn't sure yet, I'm only just fairly sure now and I'm nearly 21, 9 or so years on from the start of the process.

Coming to terms with and understanding ones sexuality can be a long process for many LGBT individuals. And as already highlighted is a prodominately private one, so just be there for him when he needs you and listen to him without too much questioning as it may cause him to feel instable in how he feels and what he believes about himself.

In the mean time stick around here and you may gain a better insight into what he's going through

 

All I can say is, I feel for your son. I really do. The home is supposed to be a sanctuary, a place of protection and understanding, and your poor son is in a place where he is scared, uncomfortable to the point of developing physical stress, and has to lie. He probably has some dark days.

Gay or straight, any child would be uncomfortable at the thought of his/her parents discovering their porn stash. Chances are he is jerking off in the bathroom, bedroom and shower like every teenage boy does. It is perfectly natural. Any gay child wants to avoid that awkward conversation with their parents about being gay, even if their parents (which I can tell from you being here) are open minded and loving. It's perfectly natural.

Also, siblings fight. However if your eldest son is truly ADD and receiving care for his issues, he has to understand that this mental problems are not a get out of jail free card. You have to stand firm, and set some ground rules to protect the mental health of your younger, more vulnerable son. You might even have to change your living arrangement.

As for your previous experience with porn. That is something YOU have to deal with, and you have to own. Your teenage son needs an outlet, and if he has to live in an environment where he older brother gets to hate on him, I think some slack should be cut on the fact that your gay son has 1 safe little outlet. Easily 95% of males actively enjoy porn, and 95% of people that claim they do not watch porn are lying.

I commend you for taking these steps, and asking advice. Now you may have to accept that other changes are needed.

 

First of all its so great that you have come here to seek advice to help him. As someone else said you can always point your son this way if you want to, also if you have any questions that you think are silly dont worry about it you can ask them here anyway, im sure almost everyone here has asked what they thought was a silly question at some point in their time here, I know I have asked more than one.

Secondly I think it is often the people closest to the person that dont realise they are gay, so often best friends or parents so dont worry that it seems most people have worked it out before you. I can understand why you were a bit disapppointed that your son didnt share it with you, but it really is a very common thing, deep down I knew my parents would be supportive when I came out, but I still couldnt shake the 'what if' scenarios from my mind, I also totally still felt like I was letting them down and that I would be a disappointment to them.
It is also true that the people closest to you can often be the hardest people to tell because you have the most to loose. So really you should take it as a compliment (I understand its hard) that he didnt want to loose what he had with you.

I definitely think that looking at the PFLAG website could help, it depends on how your son feels with it but you ask him if he wants to look for a support group or something locally that he can attend.

Most importantly as the others have said, just make it clear to him that you love him, and whoever he dates it doesnt matter to you. Also if you can make it clear that you are there if he wants to talk but if he doesnt that is fine too.

 

You havent failed dont ever think that, the fact that you came to this website for help is proof in itself. The people who made the comments I am sure didnt mean to make you feel like that, its just everyone here is obviously passionate and protective about other people who are in the coming out process. I am sure that you are doing everything you can for all of your children and have all of their best interests at heart, therefore I know you will succeed and come through these times. EC is always here for you.

 

Like I mentioned before, it's totally understandable to be shocked by this news. On the other hand, it's also perfectly normal that he didn't tell you. Questioning your sexuality is a very, very personal thing... basically re-evaluating your whole identity. And like I said, it doesn't reflect on you (or your parenting) at all.

Also keep in mind that "being shocked" isn't a bad reaction. When we (as previously closeted people) envision the worst possible reactions, it's on the scale of being kicked out of the house and disowned completely. I'm sure if you were to ask other LGBT people what kinds of reactions they expected, "shocked" wouldn't have been unexpected.

See, he's still talking to you. And everything is going well at school. Just keep communicating openly and I'm sure if there's something he's concerned and needs to talk with you about, he'll come to you. Again, just remember, this is his story. As much as it's hard to "let go" at times, he needs to make his own decisions, especially in something so personal like this. Just make sure you're there to support him in whatever he does (barring obviously stupid things, like sleeping with random men).

This is a great mentality. Just wanted to point that out

Obviously I'm not a parent (being gay, and in my 20's, and in school) but I'm going to give a bit of perspective. I've worked in a couple of different group homes over the last few years for people with developmental disabilities. These are not the exact same as what you're used to with your son, but maybe I can relate a little bit.

I get 100% what you mean when you say you want what's best for your kids; that's the mentality of my whole job (except they aren't my kids). And honestly, dealing with mental health and behavioural issues sucks at times. But you care for them anyway, because they're your kids. I think what the other posters were trying to get at was that perhaps you could look into how your older son is acting. Working with the stuff I do, I've learned to distinguish very well the difference between "mental health" and plain old obnoxious behaviour. As such, it becomes my job to reinforce for my guys what is and isn't acceptable. Things they can't control (like mental health) is understandable, but the other stuff can be the same sort of things everyone else learns not to do at a young age.

For example, I have one guy who would throw tantrums when he wouldn't get his way. Part of it was anxiety-driven, but the rest was just behaviour; it came down to myself (and the other staff) having to put our foot down and not put up with it, to teach him that that behaviour doesn't get him anywhere. Soon enough he learned better... but it was definitely a case of "tough love". I hope that helps explain what I think the other posters meant by "using his mental health as a get-out-of-jail free card".

On the other hand, behaviour when paired with mental health is a pretty tricky thing to deal with (as I'm sure you know). So I definitely agree with teaching your younger son that there are some things he just can't change. Teaching him the mentality that he can only control how he reacts is a great one to have.

Also note that I'm sure you know the difference between mental health and behaviour very well, having to deal with it. I think what's being suggested is that maybe because you care for your kids so much, it's possible you're letting some behaviour slide. But again, none of us know how you parent, nor is it our place to say so. All we're here for is to help you and your questions, and to do whatever we can to help out your son through you. That is our "field of expertise".

Like I said in my first post, keep doing what you're doing. Between caring and communicating, you've got a recipe for success... just make sure you have your son's best interests in mind, and you can't go wrong. Remember that the best parents aren't the ones who have the most polite kids, or the nicest houses, or the best jobs, or anything like that... it's simply the ones who actually care. Stop being so hard on yourself!