It's been a while since I personally posted here. Things have been progressing slowly but at a pace I am happy with. I have a few friends that know I am bisexual and I am starting to meet more and more gay/bisexual guys/girls. So all is well on that front for the most part, I am taking it very slow still but meh. Anyways my issue comes to the whole father/son thing. Every time I think about the future and the possibility of having to tell my father it nearly destroys me. It is so bizarre to say, but it's not about acceptance. I would never be scared of him abandoning me; I just don't want him to see me that way. Growing up there was always this thing for me with being as masculine, or manly, as possible... in like maybe some weird way of making my father proud. It's weird to say but it isn't something I want to give up either. I feel like admitting to this side of me is hugely emasculating and that's not how I want him to view me. Would it be so horrible for him to never know? I've posted about this issue before I just don't know how I feel about this. I guess I am just scared because I feel the best option is to never tell him and stay from home (I live in another province) but sometimes I miss him to much to imagine doing this forever. I feel like either way there is no going back and I am just trapped.
I think that for a father his child will always be a child; no matter how you act in front of him, as in, your demeanor, there will always be a sense of perceived childishness about it (and it doesn't matter what age you are). The true sense of maturity, the so-called masculinity, stability, or whatever indescribable essence that there is about you that you want your elders to see in you is not in how you label yourself or how you behave with your father, but rather how well do they perceive you to be managing your life independently, how happy you are. Those are the metrics you would be actually judged for.
