I've been becoming more and more confident and secure about my gender and sexuality and have been wanting to come out to my parents the last few months. I am horribly scared about coming out for the usual cliche reasons. *IS LONG* Note this more of me ranting as I need to vent and less of a help thing :tears:, but if you do read til the end, then I guess kudos to you. My parents arn't very religious, or atleast I don't know what they are, we never go to church. My mom is a democratic-liberal sort of person and doesn't have anything against LGBT's in the least, though I don't know how she will react to ME being one. My father, well, I've always disliked my father. He's a hyper-masculine, old-fashioned, ex-military, don't-givva-:***:-'bout-no-one-else sort of guy. I don't know how he really views LGBT's, but we've had a few convo's pop up about it. One time me, my mother, and my father went into a store and the cashier was the stereotypical gay guy. When we got to the car, with my mom still inside, he turns and says to me, "How can some dudes be like that, ya know? All flambouyant and girly :***:, it's obvious he's gay." And when things like transgendered women come up on tv he just says "That's so gross, is that real?" So that covers the background of my parents . Heres why I don't want to come out, and why I'm scared to. (I know it's going to be super cliche, every thread about this re-states it) I think my mom will be shocked, and will be in a huge denial for a long amount of time. She will think it's just a phase and the etc and won't really think I'm able to make such a decision at this age, but I think in the end she'll be accepting. My dad on the other hand sort of runs-the-house-and-that's-period, so he'll be the one that decides sadly. Anyway, the reason I don't want to come out to transition, or even the idea itself is that I'm about to go to college in a few years and they were going to pay for most of it. Plus they pay for my car, gas, and insurance. I don't think I'll be able to be in college without their financial help. And while I don't think my dad will 'literally' dis-own me, I think he'll definitely cut me off financially, and I'll probably be no longer wanted to visit. Plus, if things go badly he will tell my sisters, which, whom I've never honestly known becuase we are 20 years apart age wise, from what I've heard they are the same as my father. Now to the parts of why I want to come out, and why I think it's imperative that I do ASAP. I know I'm transgender, and I know that the older you get, (til about your 25), your results passing-wise from your HRT and etc are only getting worse day by day. Coupling this with my already horrible depression and dysphoria, is making me just feel worse, day by day. I can't tell you how many times I've typed out this huge 3-page email as my coming-out letter to my mom, then hovering over "send" for literally 10 minutes. Just my mind going NUTS with adrenaline. And every time I just slowly hit exit, and go cry myself to sleep. Why do I do this? I'm so sick of myself lately, and this is the worst my depression and anxiety has gotten in a long time. I can't concentrate in class, the only thought that revolves in my head every minute of every day is what is above. My grades have gone down to B's, C's, and a D, (which doesn't happen for me, I'm a 4.0 student). And my parents have recently picked up that I've been feeling depressed, but I've just shrugged them off and lied. Once again, why do I do this? I just can't stand myself anymore... Whooooaaaaaa that was the longest post I've done on this site. If you read all of it, then (*hug*). I hope a lot of you can relate to this. But for now, I'm going to sleep. G'night. ~ Michelle
Realistically, is it probably a good idea to come out to your parents right now? Nah. If they're not going to be happy AND you're financially independent on them, I wouldn't do that. But that doesn't mean the process is at a halt. Do everything else you can within your power to get things going! Start by getting yourself a job, or some other form of money, so that it becomes less of an issue. Additionally, if you can keep getting great grades you'd probably stand a good shot at scholarships (and/or bursaries) for when you go to college. And as hard as it is to do (trust me, I know), you just need to stop thinking about it. My friend basically gave me the same slap-in-the-face realization over text the other day, and told me I need to stop panicking and study for exams. Don't get me wrong, he's super supportive, but he gave me a solid reminder that there are priorities, and mine were out of order. Now here's the disclaimer: if you really can't do anything because you're so wrapped up in your identity stuff, then you need to sort that out. If it's taking over your life, you need to take control again. You either gather up some more willpower and tough through it, or do what you can to reduce the issue. The thing is though, from your current situation, it sounds like there's not a whole lot you CAN do about progressing with your coming out unless you start taking some serious risks, which again, is probably not advisable. But that's up to you to decide. I know that's not necessarily the best advice, but have a hug, you could probably use one. (*hug*)
