Well, im gay and known for a LONG LONG time. My name is Warren, im 18 and Been out of the closet for over two years. I love myself and the fact im gay. The problem comes in a few weeks ago. I dont know how it started but im diving beep into depression very fast. I feel lost, weak, Hopeless and Misunderstood. I’m growing more lost in life and my emotions. The most intense sensations, mixed with the worst emotions anyone can suffer from is putting me on the brink of insanity. I love myself, never thought about hurting myself or anyone else. In life I’m a giver, I’m told that I have a special gift, I put others before myself, do all in my power to support them and nurture them till satisfaction. Whether a friend or a lover, not one soul has done the same for me. I feel left out, alone and missing a huge part me, my soul. Not even my cries for comfort have brought me anything. Its hard for me to describe my feelings and emotions most of the time, i just cant put words to them. I'm not really sure whats going on with me atm, i think it has to do with the lack of comfort from a male figure, and lack of love. My parents are Ultra Conservative and its hard to work with them about these issues. Suicide is never an option with me. Is it normal to desire love and comfort this much? Most of the day i dream about my life and who i could spend it with. I dream about my desire for a mate. Everywhere i go i see love in the eyes of others, but when i look in the mirror, all i see is tears. I know this is a lot, but i'm desperate for advice and answers to my problems.
Welcome to EC, for starters. Well you're 18. At 18 you've likely either gone through some changes in life or are about to (graduating high school, starting college or entering the workforce, etc) When I was 18 I felt the same way, and I was trying to hide my sexuality from everyone including myself. I'm still mixed up with that last one. What you are feeling as far as desiring comfort and love are totally normal feelings. I have those same feelings nearly every day. At least you are out and you don't have to hide behind something you're not, thats a plus in this situation. I also know how you feeling about giving your all to your friends and loved ones, I do the very same but I rarely have someone to turn to. I'd suggest maybe going to talk to a therapist, or at least stick around EC, you'll find answers to whatever the question is here.
Hey Warren, I know how you feel too. I have been out for 5 years (i'm 18 now) and in that time i've never had a gay friend, a boyfriend or even been around gay people my age. I'm at university, and everyone said it would be easy to meet guys here. But i'm at the end of my 1st year and i haven't met anyone. I don't know how to, i don't know where to find gay people. All i see around me is straight people in relationships guys i can't have. I'm painfully lonely and depressed. I don't know what advice to give you because i feel the same and have the same problems. But just know, that you are not alone. x
I know what you mean. Love means everything to me, its been my only real goal in life, my only real desire. I have loved people, but ive never really truly deeply been in love. Some days everythings fine, somedays its like despair dogs my every step. Gotta keep up the fight though, this is one thing i wont give up on. Know though that there are people there for you, in the most unlikely of places. Hell i'd give you a big ol hug and bake you a cake right now if i could. You are not alone.
Hi Warren, yep it is normal to desire love. I seem to think about it everyday, that feeling of loneliness and you just want to love and to be loved back. When im laying in bed trying to sleep I think to myself 'it would be so nice if there was someone here to spoon with x_x. I would cry myself to sleep sometimes... I know what you mean by caring a lot for others but then get treated like shit. But oh well, I'm definately not going to change into some douche because of this. Someone will recognise how much you care for others and will like you for that. You're 18 so don't lose hope, that is still very young and I mean it, you have your whole life ahead of you! Much love x
Sometimes caring so much for others can distract you from your own needs, and that can leave you feeling overwhelmed or neglected. I'm in the same boat when it comes to feeling lonely and wanting to feel loved, no matter how much love I give others. That's perfectly normal. I think it's important to take a step back and reflect what in your life makes you happy, and focus on that. Don't feel you have to please everyone every minute of the day. Take the time to make yourself happy, even if its at the cost of someone else. I'm not endorsing selfishness, but sometimes you have to take control and say "sorry, I have a life too." It isn't selfish if you're own well-being is at stake. Don't feel that it is. It's difficult finding someone close that you can unleash your burdens on, when everyone around you is close-minded or not understanding. I would suggest to find a creative output, what do you enjoy doing? Vent your frustrations out that way, and eventually you will begin to feel less burdened or depressed. It will make a difference in the long run. When you're happy, it shows. People like to be around other happy people. It can be a long process, but it's worth it. Don't lose hope!
This is getting very scary. I woke up this morning and started vomiting. Shortly after, its like most of my problems lifted away. But now they are settling back in almost twice as strong. I cant thank you enough for the support and short stories you responded with. I started a journal a few days back and when i read my entries, i feel embarrassed. Why now in my life is this happening? :tears:
Keep your head up man... life is long and there are going to be rough patches... try to find a gay club or organization in your community or school... that way you can meet people who are going thru or have gone thru what you're feeling.
Try just writing and not rereading it, leave it for a few months. Im always terrible at hating what i write but i find a few months or even years if your that patience gives me the distance i need not to cringe when rereading. Hang in there (*hug*)
