My friend, let's call her... *Pulls a random name from the air.* Avaline... So, Avaline and I have been friends for about a year and a half. I say a half because I haven't been a good friend to her this year. At first it was okay, but I got depressed and wanted to distance myself from everyone at school. I just stopped talking. Avaline wouldn't stop asking me what was wrong, and I felt anger toward her for not leaving me be. But I would plaster on a fake smile and say: "Yes, why wouldn't I be?" And she would smile back and believe it. I guess that was what hurt most. That she believed my lie so easily. Eventually I broke out of my depression, but I had changed. My interests had changed, my personality changed, but most importantly, my friends had changed. I was no longer innocent. I cursed and had cut myself like all my other newer friends. I knew what depression was and what it could do to a person. I had seen the darker part of the world, and I knew that I wasn't the same. This tore me apart inside, it still does, but I didn't want Avaline, the most innocent person I know, to be sucked into my downward spiral. The darkness didn't suit her. So I stayed away. I talked to her occasionally, but tried to avoid her. Sometimes her being so clueless about the worse part of life makes me upset. I feel jealous, yet mad because she is so ignorant. But... I think I'm hurting her. We had become really close and she didn't just abandon me in my time of need, though she had no idea what was going on. Some part of me really doesn't want to lose her, yet another part of me tells myself to let our friendship go. I just don't want my decision to drag her down into a depression. Any advice?
If she has been loyal to you all this time, then don'tcha think she's worth of getting the same loyalty from you? Personally, I say you should try all you can to keep this friendship going. Honesty is what makes a friendship strong... but in the end it's ultimately your choice. Do you wanna keep a great person as a friend? Or do you wanna throw her aside like a worthless piece of garbage?
She sounds like a really good, loyal friend who is still interested in being your friend in spite of all that's happened. People like that are hard to find. If the only thing preventing you from wanting to continue the friendship is fear of dragging her down, then I'd say that you should try to remain friends with her. (Obviously if there are other reasons for you not wanting to keep the friendship going -- like you no longer enjoying being around her -- then that's a different story.) You should try to explain to her what happened. It can be painful to talk about, so you don't need to say more than you had/are having a difficult period in your life. This lets her know that she didn't necessarily do something wrong, making it less painful for her. It also makes things better for you. If she knows something of what you've been through and is still interested in being friends, then it will make you feel better about your decision to reach out to her again and hopefully strengthen the bond between you. If she decides to distance herself from you, then you still walk away knowing that you did the right thing in talking to her again.
My advice to you would be to talk to her about it. I know you feel like you had to distance yourself from her to protect her from the pain you were feeling, and that's certainly a very noble reason. However, sharing this with her will help her understand that it was not her fault you two grew apart. Even if you don't remain close, the reassurance that she didn't wrong you in some way will probably help her feel better about it. Also, even if she seems innocent and pure, that doesn't mean she can't understand. Everyone keeps things secret, so if you open up to her, you may find that she can empathize with you. And even if she can't, it would still be good for her to understand and for you to be able to talk about it. Everyone has to grow up sometime, and be exposed to all kinds of things that happen to a person in life. Telling her about this and not sheltering her will make both of you stronger people. I'm not saying to tell her absolutely everything, in graphic detail, because you don't want to overwhelm her. But I feel like she deserves an explanation, and you deserve to not have guilt burdening your heart. I wish you the best. --Konstantin
I find your story interesting because, in highschool, I think I was on the receiving end of it. I had a good friend Sam, and at the time I was the dear ol' innocent me (I think it was to a point of stupidity too). There were signs that I was too oblivious to pick out and it was only after I dealt with my coming out 6 years later, that I realized what she was going though. I have lost contact with her since highschool, and I have truly regretted how ignorant I was with her cry for help. Now, I really wished that she would have been able to tell me the truth straight out, but I realize how hard that can be. So, now all I can do is regret how stupid I was and how things could have been different if I could have been there for her. If she is someone you trust, and is someone you know is a good influence on you, then I really think you should tell her. You don't have to tell her everything that first time, you don't even have to tell her any specific thing. You could just tell her that you have been feeling depressed and how important you feel this friendship is. Expect her to ask about what is bothering you and you can tell her as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.
Then the darkness doesn't suit you, either. (*hug*) Can you be honest with her about your life, without pulling her into your life? Isn't it worth a try? Maybe she has some happiness she can share... or maybe her life is hard too, and you can learn from each other?
