So... last night my mom was in town and I told her... it was one of the hardest things to do... After some alcohol I sat her down and told her i am gay... you could tell it was like a knife to the throat... she said "Well we know you've been battling with it for years." she said "you're my son and I will always love and support you no matter what, but I cannot accept this part of you." then we talked for awhile about how she feels it's a choice, that I'm closing myself off from the right girl. She wanted me to assure her that if I find a girl is my soul mate later in life I will take that path, i agreed but that she should know that I have never felt that way about any female and to not get her hopes up... I only feel that way about men and to not get her hopes up about a daughter in law. She just kept saying how everyone has feelings for the same sex, I kept responding that those people also have feelings towards the opposite sex, which I don't. She said that it is my choice and I have to make the decisions, she'll love me no matter what, but that she probably won't accept it. We had a few laughs... No tears, a few jokes about how it comes for dad's side of the family... I caught her there and said "see it's genetics not choice!" we laughed a little after that. Then we talked about how we're going to tell others. She said it will break both of my grandfathers hearts, but my grandmothers probably won't mind. She said dad will act the same as her... She also kept mentioning how this will effect them and that I shouldn't tell people back home. She's a teacher at the most gossipy town in America so I do see how it could be bad, but at the same time I'd like to tell my old friends. Maybe I can wait until my class reunion haha. One thing she didn't understand is why I couldn't keep quiet, not lie but stay in the closet... at the moment I couldn't think of a good response, but now that I've had a little time to think of a response I feel that if I'm not open about it, the perfect person for me will never find me. Then she said one of her biggest problems is that no one she knows who is gay has had a lifetime relationship/marriage... I said no two couples are alike... Just because my aunt has had horrible problems doesn't mean I will... Straight couples have just the same, if not more problems with relationships... My parents are extremely rare in being in a relationship since she was 15. So on a scale of 1-10 of my expectations 10 being the best and 1 being the worst I'd rate it an 8... I think this is just a first step (which is what she said too)... But I really feel that she will warm up... I want to get her a book or something to help her understand and cope, but I don't really know of anything... Any suggestions? It needs to be somewhat religious, because she still views it as a sin because of her "religious convictions." After she went to bed I texted my best friend from HS who has moved away from home and OMG... She was super supportive like wanting to take me to a club and hook me up haha... She said that most people assumed I was gay in hs because I didn't have very many girlfriends... (haven't had any in college and I'm a senior :/ wonder how many of them assume) She has a kid with the star football player now and he told her all the hs athletes thought I was gay. Not for sure how to feel about that... Insulted, flattered, ??? I'm shocked that none of them confronted me about it or tried to beat me up suspecting it... May have had something to do with being a teachers kid, even though she was only at my school 2/4 of my years. Guess I can't hide being gay very well. Last night my mom said that she wanted to tell dad and my grandmother when she gets back home, I said I can call but she said it's not right to do it over the phone. Then this morning she said I need to tell dad myself so sometime in the next few hours she will let me know when I can call home. I'm super nervous because I have no idea how he will react. I'm also thinking about calling my grandmother in a little bit... she's always been someone I could talk to and has never judged me... heck she told me she bought an erotic book on her kindle the other day. However, that side of my family is pretty racist (not confrontational, just talking in private) and hasn't really had any gay people in it... Wish me luck! :icon_sad:
Good luck!! Congratulations!! It is never easy and it takes a lot of courage to do what you did. In terms of coming out, I think you are in a good starting position. Even though she may not understand it all right away, she loves and accepts you and that is more than some people can say. With time I do believe your parents will understand it better. I havn't came out to my parents yet, but I have to my brothers. They have been both supportive, but there are some things my older brother just doesn't understand yet either. He doesn't think that being gay is a "choice", but he feels that acting gay is (... whatever that means). I guess some part of him wants to save me from being judged and I felt that myself for a long time too. But what he doesn't get yet, and I don't think your mom completely understand either, is that hiding it and not being true to yourself is basically admitting to the people around you that being gay is wrong and shameful. There are lots of resources on the PFLAG website. You can also see if the local PFLAG chapter have meetings your parents may want to go to. I linked my brother to the PFLAG Canada website and I know he learned a lot for it. I don't think they are religion specific though, and I am not christian so I don't really know any, but maybe other people will. Congradulations again and I hope the call goes well with your dad.
Thanks! I just found a video that I cried :tears: thru that I plan on showing them at some point... I think it should be required at every church. It basically talks about each passage, how it has been misused, and so forth.... It's called "Fish out of Water"
Told grandmother earlier... she is awesome! Loves me, realizes it's not a choice, will take me in if my parents have a problem. She still doesn't want to see me kiss a guy, but I think she'll warm up to the idea... Anyways, just got off the phone with dad... wasn't expecting tears from him. Mom had told him already but he wanted to hear me say it. I told him and he said he still loved me but he doesn't condone this. Then we talked for a little bit about some other stuff. Then he stared tearing up and said I had to know that he will never stop praying that this changes. He wanted to make sure that I was thinking about others before doing anything... I told him I don't plan on telling my grandfather (pastor 80 y/o, poor health) and that I'm not going to tell any of his friends unless he is ok with it. I think that made him feel a little better. Then he started in saying you don't have to advertise it, it can be a secret. And I said I'm not going to be shouting it at the top of my lungs, but I'm not going to go out of my way to hide it anymore. And if someone gets the guts to ask me I am telling them. He finished the conversation, still crying, and said that "we'll talk about other stuff later" ... I might be reading into it wrong, but kinda freaked me out... are they considering cutting my funding... will I not be allowed on the property... IDK, I'm just happy they know... now I just have a visit to the lgbt center next week and then tell the gossip girls in my organization and everyone at school will know!
Wow that's great! you are for sure making some good progress. It will take some time for your parents to get used to the idea and usually the first reaction a lot of family has is to suggest you keep it a secret. For me, that hurts because I feel like hiding it is basically admitting to everyone that I am ashamed of who I am. I think your response to your dad was 100% right on! That you won't announce it, but you won't go out of your way to hid it. (if you don't mind I would like to add that to a letter I am writing to my brother about coming out to my parents) I'm glad it went well and your grandma is awesome!!(!)
