There is this guy in my class - slightly feminine - who claims to be straight. Another one of my friends told me that he came out to her, but he wants absolutely no one to know, meaning I can't just go up to him and talk about it. However, ever since he found out that I'm gay, he's been talking to me and we've been getting closer to each other. I can pretty much confirm that he's gay just by all the flirting he does with me. It's never physical or sexual flirting, its very cute and subtle, but still way too much for a straight man. He's a bit of an anti-social, but he goes out of his way to sit next to me, talk to me, ask me to hang out with him and stuff like that. I'm starting to really like him and I want to start dating him, I just don't know how to ask. If he's straight and he was just being nice, then I look like a dumbass, we'll both feel awkward, and the friendship is ruined. If he is gay, I can tell that he's no where near ready to come out, much less have a boyfriend, so he'll probably stay in the closet and feel like I'm forcing him out, and again, the friendship is ruined. Then there's the possibility of him being gay, admitting it, but not having the same feelings for me. Common sense tells me that if you want an answer, ask the question, but I'm almost that certain that asking him so bluntly "Are you gay?" would scare him away. Any advice? What's a good way to break the ice?
Why not talk to the friend that you said he came out to? Is there any way she could try and hint to him that you like him? (if he's in fact gay of course...) I would only do that if you trust her though....if she's a good friend and she wouldn't be BS-ing you. What do you think?
I think this right here is your answer. If he already knows you're gay, and is making a lot of effort to spend time with and around you in response, then ok, maybe we can assume there's some sort of attraction there - but keep in mind that it may not be an overtly physical/romantic one, it may just be the fact that you're the only gay guy he knows and he wants to hang out with somebody who's "like him." If you want to push the topic, I'd say the furthest you should go is flirting back with him, maybe heavily if you think the situation warrants it. He's opened that door himself, so I don't think there's any reason to suspect he wouldn't be open to that (this might be a good general rule - let him set the pace). Otherwise, if you're already out to him, and you suspect he's deeply closeted in some way, there's not much I would push. Do you know his situation, regarding family/friends and so on? What about other social influences - is he dealing with a lot of resistance to coming out? Any of these could be major obstacles. If he's into you too, then in time he'll work out the courage to say something about it. In the meantime, be there for him as the "something more than just another friend" that you likely already are. You might already be making a difference in his life.
That's where I get confused. He's a ballet dancer, and a lot of his male friends who dance with him are gay - proud and out. I also hear his mother is a lesbian (I'm not 100% sure - it may be a rumor). We go to a school of performing arts and it's extremely liberal with gays all over the hallways. He has all these role models and examples of good proud gay people so what's taking him so long to come out? It makes me wonder if he IS actually gay. The only thing I can think of is that his brother is really macho and manly and they seem to have a close relationship. Maybe he doesn't want to ruin that? Maybe his dad? Then again if his mom actually is a lesbian I'd assume he has two moms or that his dad isn't in the picture anymore. He was talking about going to a Catholic based college, I wonder if that's the problem...
In that case, then this IS a little strange. Nevertheless, pressure to stay in the closet can come from a lot of different places, and it's entirely possible that, even surrounded by so many gay people and so much acceptance, he still feels like he can't come out. Without more information about his family, I guess all we can do is speculate. Even Catholic schools can be pretty accepting, it just depends on where he's going. If all this is the case, though, would it be okay to just ask him if he's gay? Or if he likes guys, or a particular guy, or whatever? If it's so common then I wouldn't think he'd have a problem with it. Or you could just slip it into a conversation as a joke, if he does or says something that seems stereotypically gay, as if to tease him, and see how he takes it. Thought that could be risky if he's actually dealing with being closeted. How likely do you suspect it is that he's not gay, after all? I've known a lot of hetero men that seemed gay - sometimes they're the most "stereotypical" of all, ironically.
Well he had a girlfriend in 9th grade but that lasted about 2 weeks. There is a girl who always flirts with him, a cute girl, and she makes it known that she wants to go out with him but he only wants to be her friend. I told him a joke about Beyonce about "put a ring on it" and he laughed with me and said "That's so gay... that's the gayest joke I've ever heard!" I still don't know if that's a good sign or not. My one of first hints that he was interested in me is that we had to read a play in class and we were assigned characters - I was playing his father and he said "Oohhh that's my daddy!" He said it jokingly but there was an obvious sexual undertone.
the best advice in these situations is a two step approach. 1. hey we're getting to be friends and i just want to be upfront with all my friends. im gay bro. 2. see how it takes it. maybe he will come out to you as well. maybe he will say "oh ok" maybe he will distance himself from you. based on what he does or doesn't do, then you can go for step number 2... let him know you're intested in him after you feel him out. usually with these things the person is too closeted to admit they like you are attracted to you adn they will still say they are staright. however, you may get lucky and he may confide in you
^^^^ oh ok, skip to #2 above then. basically if you like someone, you are going to either keep it inside and never tell them or tell them and see what they say. there's really no other options. pick one option and make peace with it either way. the lovelorn pining away thing really ends up only making you feel bad in the long run. i do not recommend the "are you gay" approach or asking him anything about his sexuality as it will put him on the defense. you have to tell the person how you feel about them and say you needed to get it off your chest and you wanted to know if there could be a possibility he may be interested too? good luck.
