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Unlocking the sex drive

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by socalguitarguy, Apr 22, 2012.

  1. socalguitarguy

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    I'm curious . . .

    Are there any guys on here who have had difficulty determining their sexual orientation due to low sex drive? Maybe you suspected you are gay because you develop strong emotional attachments to guys or tend to notice good looking guys more than girls, but you aren't really drawn to porn and don't really have sexual fantasies?

    The other part of this question then would be . . . has that changed for anyone upon entering into a relationship or being intimate for the first time? Was there anything you did that allowed you to "unlock" your sexual attraction?
     
  2. Pret Allez

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    I haven't really had that. I pretty much always knew that I liked mostly women but sometimes men.

    Now, as far as sex drive goes, I would just wonder how much you masturbate and/or watch porn. If you do those activities quite often, it's possible that you developed a sexual dysfunction which explains your lack of sex drive. Maybe this doesn't apply to you; maybe it does. And if so, I can understand not jumping up and down about it in this forum, but it's something to think about...
     
  3. Chip

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    It's pretty common for people, particularly those who are coming out in their 20s or beyond, to have shut down their sex drive as a mechanism to avoid dealing with their sexual orientation. And, as you've found, that can be a great tool to facilitate denial of your sexuality by justifying "Oh, maybe these attractions I'm feeling aren't really *sexual*." But as you probably already know... that's bullshit :slight_smile:

    So, for many people in that situation, awakening your sexual self is part of a process that goes hand-in-hand with accepting and loving yourself. You can work on both together... learning to love and accept yourself as you are, regardless of what your orientation is, and at the same time, working on opening up the shut down sexual self. There are exercises you can do, and some readings that will probably help. Feel free to PM me and I can talk to you in more detail and maybe give you some suggestions.
     
  4. Filip

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    Well, it certainly was somewhat like that for me. In part, the reason I waited until I was 25 to come out had to do with being good at denial and repression of feelings, but I am sure that in large part, it has to do with not really having that much of a sex or relationship drive.

    To elaborate: while it is, in retrospect, completely clear that I always favoured guys romantically and physically, I never really had that big drive of "I'm so lonely I need to find someone to date!" or "I need to have real sex, and masturbation won't cut it anymore!". I am usually perfectly happy hanging out with friends when lonely, and resorting to masturbation if horny. And even there, there isn't too much of a drive. Just a "get off quickly, and focus on more productive things"

    On the other hand, while I have a low general sex drive, I can have a rather higher specific sex drive. By which I mean: even though I'm terminally slow to fall for people (and because I'm rarely lonely, I don't really end up pursuing a lot of new people), when I do fall for them, I do end up being more excitable than normal.
    To date, I never really had the opportunity to get barenaked with a guy physically present, but I at least found out I have some hormones :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:


    In any case: I never really let sex factor in to determining I was gay. I just ended up acknowledging that I had only ever fallen for guys, that I always noticed guys first, and when I did fantasize, I tended to jump to thinking about guys first. Even if I never found thinking about girls disgusting, and the feelings for some of them were similar (if not as intense) as the ones I had for guys, that was still all the signs I needed, no further proof necessary.
     
  5. super confused

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    For me, all it took was a kiss.
     
  6. NickD

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    Yeah I have a similar experience to a lot of the other posters. All through high school, I had virtually no interest sexually in women at all. Even then, I knew I had an affinity for men but I just chocked it up to jealousy of good looks or whatever because I suffered from really low self esteem at that point.

    My personal explanation for low sex drive was the antidepressant I was taking (Paxil). But through college, I noticed men more and more and realized I had quite the opposite of a low sex drive... I just never allowed myself to accept what I was attracted to. It's amazing what you can convince yourself of.

    Since admitting that to myself, It's felt like going through a second puberty, except this one has tghe sexual component to it, if that makes any sense.
     
  7. socalguitarguy

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    That's interesting that the sexual component wasn't all that important in your decision that you were gay. I think part of the problem is my mix of coming from a conservative family and being a very over-analytical, scientific person. Its like I have a very high threshold of proof to surpass before I can fully convince myself I'm gay. I can't quite get over the fact that I have had quite a few crushes on girls in the past as well, even though it's been a long time and as far as I can remember it was almost always personality based with very little real physical interest. It's like my mind is stuck in the denial/bargaining phase even as I make progress into dating guys. I keep hoping for the epiphany that will silence the doubts in my mind and make me confident that a relationship with a guy is what is truly right for me.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Apr 2012 at 09:27 PM ----------

    Hmm, perhaps I can combine my two forum postings thus far to solve my problem then. Maybe breaking through the intimacy barrier will unlock my sex drive, haha. :kiss:

    ---------- Post added 23rd Apr 2012 at 09:31 PM ----------

    Some of this sounds familiar. Low sexual interest in women, check. Thinking my noticing guys was due to admiration and jealousy, check. Low self esteem in high school, check. I've heard the term "second puberty" before. Frankly I barely even remember first puberty. It wasn't a particularly tumultuous time for me, and I didn't go through any "raging hormones" phase.
     
  8. Filip

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    Well, I like to think I'm rather scientific in my approach to things as well. But... sometimes there is no really definitive proof either way. At which point you can just turn to statistics and go with the most likely outcome.

    To elaborate: I identify as gay. Does that mean I never ever have the least interest in girls? Well, no. Over time I have had some crushes on girls. However, they are different in both frequency and intensity from my attraction to guys.
    - On the frequency front, it just happens less that I notice girls without them first being pointed out or introduced to me. I can and do notice guys without pointers, though.
    - On the intensity front, with girls, it's more of a deep, long-term friendship. I know a girl, become good friends, and get a feeling I could spend long stretches of time with this girl and still enjoy each others company. Also, I get this feeling that if I were to date this girl, it would lead to an easy, ordered, acceptable life. No one would make a fuss and it would be a nice framework to live in. I wouldn't be too interested in the sex, but I could probably find some fun in it.
    However, with guys, it's different: when I'm crushing on a guy, it starts to mess with my rational side much more. If the guy I'm crushing on right now would send me a text "Flip, drop everything you're doing, I need your help right now!", I'd have a hard time not instinctively just doing what he asked. When flirting, there's just this sheer glee in flirting that I miss with girls.
    While, in girlcrushes, it's still more rational. If they asked me to drop everything I'm doing, my reflex would be to call first and see what can be arranged, rather than just letting it override my rational mind.

    Now, being a rational person, guycrushes scare me. But I can't deny I can't live anymore with the idea of not having that feeling in a relationship. It only rarely happens, even for guys, but I really do want that.

    Does that mean there is no girl out there that could make me feel the same way? I have no clue whatsoever. There might be one. She might be better than any guy I met so far. Meeting her would make me bisexual, I guess. And no amount of gay relationships can ever truly rule her existence out (well, meeting every female in the whole world could rule it out. But there's only so much time in life to devote to science :wink:)
    But... sometimes being 90% (or even just 75%) sure should be sure enough. And as time goes out without meeting such a girl (and meeting more guys that DO interest me, that confidence percentage only is going up.
     
  9. socalguitarguy

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    Thanks very much for that message Filip. It really makes a lot of sense.

    As you know from my other thread, things have escalated with the guy I like and it looks like we are headed in the direction of a relationship. I think those that thought I might need the proper emotional context to unlock the sex drive were right on the money. I no longer fear I'm asexual or anything. Also, we're planning to take things slow in that regard, which takes heaps of pressure off of me.

    Feeling this way about another guy definitely clears up much of my confusion. The question of whether it would be possible to find a girl who makes me feel the same still lingers, but right now I don't really care because I've found someone that I feel would make it worth the challenges of labeling myself as gay.