1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Ex boyfriend just came out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BHPB, Apr 23, 2012.

  1. BHPB

    BHPB Guest

    I'm at a bit of a loss. My then boyfriend, until he came out to me last night,and I live together. We still plan on staying friends; to hunt for guys together, move, and all that jazz. He's coming to terms accepting who he is, and I want to be there for him. He's not yet comfortable telling other people openly. At the same point I'm hurting from the split. Do I juggle healing myself and being there for him or..? I really don't know what to do. I still have romantic feelings for him but I know that there's nothing in that venue for us.
     
  2. SkyDiver

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2012
    Messages:
    885
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Alberta
    Hmmm... wow... tough situation!

    Let me just first say that I am extremely proud of you for taking this so well. I can't imagine how hard it must be, but I think it's very admirable that you want to be there for him and support him.

    I would suggest spending some time away from him if that's at all possible (difficult however, if you live together) just so it can be easier for you to sort out your feelings for him and get over him. I'm sure he would understand that and encourage it. It's going to be hard but you've got to keep telling yourself that he's gay, and there's no way it will ultimately work out. After you've worked some more on that, definately be there for him and just spend some time together as friends. Yeah, go to clubs together and find guys and do double dates, and most importantly be happy for him :slight_smile:

    I hope that helps a little.
     
  3. BHPB

    BHPB Guest

    Thank you so much. For support we're going to be looking into the local LGBT places. But otherwise definitely open to any suggestions.
     
  4. SkyDiver

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2012
    Messages:
    885
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Alberta
    You're very welcome! And that sounds like an excellent idea.
     
  5. Gravity

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2011
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    256
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'd also say it sounds like you're handling this very well - you can be proud of yourself for that, and I'd say it's also a safe bet that it's making what is likely a very hard situation that much easier for him. I'm guessing you'd been together for a while (based on the fact that you live together), and so your support will probably mean a lot to him, possibly more than most people's. Incidentally, I'm in Phoenix also and there might be some places I can recommend for you two to hang out together that might be fun - let me know what kind of things you have in mind if you're interested.

    On the other hand, though, I would also suggest to keep your own needs in sight - it's great that you can be there for him, but make sure you're taking care of your own feelings first. The revelation is very new, and the idea of sharing double-dates might be fun now, but if he actually meets a guy that he's interested in seeing, feelings (yours or his, or for that matter the other person's) might change. Don't be afraid to ask for space or distance if you need it, and do your best not to take it personally if he asks for the same at some point.

    Overall, a big balancing act awaits you both - but it can be done, and I've done it with my ex (who was a guy though), so it's not impossible. Just respect your feelings and respect his feelings, and you'll be more than halfway there. Best of luck, and keep posting as often as you like - hope you find the site helpful and welcoming! :slight_smile:
     
  6. BudderMC

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2010
    Messages:
    3,148
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    I'd say definitely talk to him (sooner rather than later) about how you're feeling. Just let him know that while you're there for him, you're still dealing with some feelings you have for him, and that while you know nothing will come of them, it'll take some time to get over it. With that disclaimer in place, you're free to take some time off for yourself as you need it.

    I gotta say though, focusing on supporting him through his process might be enough of a distraction to help you get past your feelings from him. But then again, I've never gone through a break-up before, so my advice is mediocre at best. :/
     
  7. BHPB

    BHPB Guest

    Done and done. We've been together for about a year and known each other for a few off and on. Focusing and feelings will be the hard part. Dates and all that are a long ways off until things come to an even keel again. We've talked as much as we can comfortably and we both know what's coming more or less. A lot of work and coming to terms balancing or rather finding a new balance for ourselves. Holding my breath for when he comes home to see how things feel.
    We'd both love it if you could recommend places. <3 He's social as all bejeeebies but the closet door's modestly cracked.
    Thank you all so much. I've not posted on forums much but this has been the best.(*hug*)
     
  8. kirbycat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2012
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Michigan, USA
    Gender:
    Female
    I have actually been in almost the exact same situation, and I gotta say, you seem to be handling it a lot better than I did! I split with my college boyfriend when he realized he was gay (though he didn't officially come out at that time), and we were living in the same dorm building, with the same group of friends, so I really had no way to escape and process my own feelings about the whole deal. Which all made my senior year of college very emotionally screwed up.

    Anyway. I agree with SkyDiver: try to get away for a bit, and take some time to work through your feelings about this on your own. It's wonderful that you're being so supportive and accepting of him, but it's easy for that hidden resentment to slowly build up - trust me, I've been there! If it's at all possible, it might be good to consider moving to live somewhere else. Not that living with a gay friend is bad, of course, but you've been living with him in the context of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, and there are a lot of emotions/expectations/habits tied up in that, that now need to be broken. At the very least, I'd recommend going to stay with another friend for a few days, as a way to make that physical break. Just let him know that you're not abandoning him - you just need some time to process this new situation so that you can give him the support he needs, in a healthy way.

    If you ever need any more advice or encouragement on working through this transition, please PM me! Seriously, I've been through all of this - lingering romantic feelings and all - and I'd be happy to share some support from the other side. :slight_smile:
     
  9. insidehappy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2012
    Messages:
    346
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Closetville, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    you're great for being a supportive girlfriend in this situtaion. many others would have been angry but your relationship seems based in friendship so it worked out. i would be honest with him and tell him that you're there for him but you still have feelings so its going to be a transition for you to go to just friend mode and there could be some time you need to fully get over things. with that said, yiou're there for him but you promise if things get too hard for you you will just let him know and you guys can talk it thru.
     
  10. Gravity

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2011
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    256
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Does that mean he's social or not? I'm not totally clear there. :lol:

    And I'm glad to hear you're liking EC! Not to give the collective forum a big ego but I've found it to be a really nice place too.
     
  11. BHPB

    BHPB Guest

    He's a social butterfly, but not openly out to people as of yet.
    I will definitely give you a PM Kirbycat.
    I'm fluxing between being supportive as well as crushed (you were right that resentment's coming up Kirbycat),and angry feeling that he's responsible for us ending. I'm less crushed than I initially was and have for the most part gotten those :tears: out of the way.
    In talking I asked him how he wanted things to go between us and it's looking like he really wants to keep me as a friend and I want to keep him as one as well. With how I feel, time apart and my staying at a friend's house seems to be best option that's coming to a head.
     
  12. BHPB

    BHPB Guest

  13. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi.

    First, welcome to EC!

    Your boyfriend is lucky to have someone as understanding and caring as you are! This is clearly a tough situation for both of you, but I'm confident you'll be able to remain friends and stay a part of each other's lives.

    As for communicating with other members, while you can't PM until you become a full member (which is free but requires you be around for at least 2 weeks and have at least 50 posts), but you can communicate to other members by posting on their "walls." This is part of our security provisions that helps to keep the community safe.

    You can, however, PM any of the staff if you'd like to talk one-on-one with someone before getting full membership. There are a lot of people here who have been in your boyfriend's situation, and some that have been in your situation as well.

    I hope you'll stick around and that you find the community welcoming and helpful!
     
  14. FuryOfFirestorm

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2012
    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You've really handled the situation in a mature fashion. Kudos!

    On the plus side, dating a gay guy is the new rite of passage for straight teenage girls nowadays. Just look at Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber! Sweet Sixteens are so 2008!
     
  15. kirbycat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2012
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Michigan, USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Hey BHPB, yeah you may have to wait a few more days or so before you'll be able to send a PM. But if you still want to talk at that point, I'd be happy to. You can always leave a message on my wall too if you don't mind it not being totally private.

    And sorry for taking so long to reply here - I'm on vacation right now! :slight_smile:

    I know things are probably tough as hell right now, but it sounds like you're keeping your head on your shoulders and dealing with things as well as possible. Hang in there!
     
  16. BHPB

    BHPB Guest

    I'm not a teenage girl. :confused: Things have had their ups and downs. I'm glad for the ups, understand the downs, but I don't believe that we can come out of this as friends. There are too many communication issues. Between my hurt and he having to put a wall up, I don't think that talking things through will provide the ending we both want; to be friends. He has communication issues and comes across as hurt, frustrated, shameful and angry. I get that. I push for time intermittent in our talks to calm down but it's a fight with him. I tell him it's alright. I try to reassure him and I understand, but it's the basics of our communication that it's come to. I wish that this would've ended up in a happier way, but I still get a knot in my throat and despite our effort. -Well... =\

    ---------- Post added 10th May 2012 at 09:16 PM ----------

    Also, he's recently gone to the One Voice community center here in the valley to look up support but he puts his work before that. There are meetings when he works and though his boss is flexible he hasn't asked for a one day adjustment to his schedule so he can attend. I don't think he's prepared for this and isn't proactive in helping himself. If he doesn't want to be there for himself, then I can't be there if he doesn't want it. So far he's submerging himself in distractions.
    I really don't know what to do with all this. It's always on my mind, in my dreams and at work. It's taken a toll on everything I do. I am trying to give myself space, and as is he for himself. To talk when something nags at the mind and it's within reason to talk about and to time that as best I can.
    So in the time that it's happened to now, my level of upset isn't always there but when it does come up it's about the same level as when things were talked about. His upsets are just as high.