I recently came out as gay to my friends and family (a little over a couple of months ago). I've always had sexual attraction to other men, but only recently began contemplating romantic relationships with the same sex. Coming out has been amazing, albeit rocky at times. All of my friends and family have been accepting and supportive; I figured I'm finally at the spot where I can find happiness and companionship. However, for the past three weeks, I've been having heterosexual dreams. Not just occasionally, but practically every night. They are particularly vivid and lucid. They include my ex-girlfriends and other women. I must admit, I find them quite haunting. When I was in heterosexual relationships I always fantasized about men, but these dreams are just plain confusing to me. To further to confuse things, I was shopping the other day and found my self attracted to and turned on by a female who was helping me—especially her personality. Could I have been bi-sexual all along? Am I just trying to process my sexuality through society's binary views of it? In hindsight, I have had genuine connections with women (emotional and sexual). However, it always felt like there was something missing. I was hiding my same sex attraction from my partners and being dishonest. I'm just looking for some advice if someone has some. I feel like a nutcase right now...
First off, congratulations on coming out! Secondly, you need to remember that sexuality is fluid. There is absolutely nothing wrong with coming out as gay then being like "hey guys I like this chick". If you want to label yourself then call yourself bi or gay or whatever you want. Personally, I don't feel like everyone needs a label. If you like someone date them, guy or girl. It sounds like you were happy in the relationship, but felt guilty about not telling her you also have attractions towards the same sex. Is that why you felt like something was missing?
The communication between the conscious and unconscious mind is complicated. As you get closer to fully accepting and loving yourself for who you are, the unconscious will play all sorts of games, and your conscious mind will also mess with your full acceptance of yourself, including momentary attractions to opposite-sex persons. Sexuality isn't trinary or binary, it's a spectrum. Nonetheless, most people eventually identify toward one end of the spectrum or the other. SO if your fantasies are mostly or always toward men, then it's clear that you're mostly gay... but you may still have the occasional attraction to women. And, I think, *most* gay men find themselves having a deep connection to some women in their lives; look at "Will and Grace"... that sort of relationship is very, very common among gay men. But that doesn't make them bisexual, it simply means they have a different sort of connection with women than straight men do. In short, I suspect you're gay, or at the gay end of the spectrum, and these "aberrations" are coming up as a last-minute effort on the part of your unconscious to allow you to fully embrace and love yourself as you are. Many gay guys experience this, and it's nothing unusual or abnormal.
Chip, I agree. I think that I have always had a sexual preference toward men, but was afraid to consider same-sex romantic relationships because of the potential consequences it would bring. There were even men that I began to develop mutual feelings with, but quickly ran away because I was involved in heterosexual relationships at that point (I know, cheating is shitty and I regret it). I think I just need to relax, be patient and above all always remember to love myself.
Wow. I would just like to say that this conversation is very relevant to me and, Pompa, you're not alone. I seem to be going through this "second guessing"/"bisexual?" stage as well. Thanks for being bold enough to share! Chip, thanks for your input. It's very helpful and makes a lot of sense.
