Two help threads in two days; I'm on a roll. :eusa_doh: So guys, I need your advice. We've got a new housemate joining our group, and he's here for the summer... it seems as though he's moving in tomorrow. Now, without going into a lot of detail, he's a year below us, and while he shares some of our nerdy interests, he's definitely got a bit of a superiority complex (and consequently comes off like a bit of a cocky bastard at times). Combine this with a bit of social awkwardness and he can be a hard person to spend a long period of time with. Not to mention he apparently doesn't know how to take care of himself (he says he can't cook, clean, do laundry, etc.) but I don't know how much of that was a joke or not. He's also going to be in the house alone for his first few days, because the rest of us are just finishing exams tomorrow and going home for the week/weekend. And that worries me. Particularly because my door doesn't lock. I can hide my only real valuable (my camera) in someone else's room, but the thought that he could snoop around is disconcerting, because I don't know him well enough to trust him. It's not even a "he could find out I'm gay" thing, because honestly I don't care about that... it's just a personal space thing. I guess what I need advice on his how to be assertive and establish that he kinda has to adapt to the way we run the house without coming off like a total jerk. It was easy to do last summer, since we were all friends, so we could jokingly yet seriously tell people to clean up or whatever. But with him, I don't think I have that rapport to jokingly tell him to do stuff yet. I also don't want to come off as overbearing (since I am kinda the one who keeps on top of the house stuff), since this is still prime time for first impressions. And of course, worrying about how potentially rough this summer could be makes me miss my housemates who are gone even more (the ones who were here last summer, and made it awesome). :help:
For what it is worth, You can go to the local hardware store, And pick up in his expenses locking door knob. You can easily swap that out For the duration of the time you stay there And put the old 1 back on before you move out. That job would take less than 5 minutes.
If you dont have a joking rapport then try nice, friendly, direct and honest. Its great fun how often youll get an 'oh ok!' if you ask someone to do something in a nice fashion. I also find it helps if everyone else if already doing odd jobs, feels more like they are joining in then being picked on, if you get where im coming from.
I don't like to generalize, but in my experience, I wouldn't assume that just because he's nerdy and socially awkward that he'll be snoopy. A better indicator of that is how he is with his boundaries; does he bust into conversations and dominate them? Is he inappropriately "touchy"? Most people who go and snoop in other people's rooms are typically people whose boundaries are sloppy in other parts of their life. If you want to be extra cautious, I like cscipio's idea of getting a cheap door lock (under $10 at Home Depot). And on a separate note, if you make an effort to reach out to him, include him in social activities, etc., you might be really surprised. Arrogance is insecurity, so when you take people who are arrogant and validate them as people, be friendly toward them, include them in things... often times, as they feel less insecure, the arrogance goes away.
Well, he's here now and I'm going home in about 2 hours, so I can't really swap the lock. If I really have to, then I will. I don't think he'll actually snoop around, but it's just the fact that I'm effectively having a stranger stay in my home for 5 days while I'm not here, and of all the rooms, mine is the one he can access. It likely won't happen, but it's disconcerting. Ah, I wasn't trying to make that assumption if it came off that way. He does seem like the type of guy who isn't concerned with other people if it comes to getting what he needs though.. he told stories before about how he effectively "womanizes" secretaries over the phone to let him past them to talk with whoever he needs to. He isn't particularly threatening or anything, but I can foresee that if I set the precedent that I can be walked all over it won't do me any good. And unfortunately, being passive and generous and helpful is kinda in my nature, so I need to change that. (I know those traits aren't mutually exclusive too) He did just walk into my room a couple minutes ago. Granted, I was in here, but the door was almost all closed. I dunno what that indicates, but that's about all I've got. And I don't know how much of a joke it is, but apparently he can pick locks... and has suggested it on a couple of occasions (to get something we needed from someone else's room). I shrugged it off as a joke, but I can't tell if he's serious or not (again, because I don't know him well enough yet). And I'll try including him in on stuff like a couple of you suggested. It's just tough because normally I'm not the initiator in things like that, and I've little motivation to do it now when I'm stressing about my own stuff. I'll get my act together and start after the weekend when I'm back.
So I got back today after my 5-ish days gone (I had to stop in briefly two days in, but didn't really see him). And this is what I found: - His stuff from moving is still all over the hallway and dining room, and it's been 5 days. It's just boxes, it could've been moved. He chalked it up to "laziness". - So he could do his work, instead of setting up his desk, he went in my room and used mine. My door was open, because I told him that my door doesn't lock, so I wasn't going to bother closing it, just so he knows. He quite literally took over my workspace, left his laptop/phone/credit card/sweater there. I had to move it out when I got here, and he was watching me do it. - He was particularly curious as to what was in a plastic bag of mine that I brought back. He kinda walked over and asked what was in it, so I answered. I wonder if I didn't if he would have looked through or not. - HE'S SO MESSY. Kinda unrelated to this, but I needed to put that somewhere. -__- I don't know. I don't want to expect the worse, but well... I can't say this is off to a great start so far. :help:
Ugh - that guy sounds like he has no concept of personal space. I think this situation requires a level-setting conversation fast. That or, go walk silently past him, into his bedroom and fart right into his pillow while he's watching. I don't know if he'll get the coorelation; but, at least it would be satisfying to you.
Well, it seems to be getting better. Maybe. Or at least it's not bad. Probably because I've been around the house the whole time the last couple days, but still. And our house managers acknowledge now that the lock on my room doesn't lock, so hopefully it'll be replaced soon too. And his dishes got done too (after much prompting, but beggars can't be choosers). And I don't think he hates me yet either. I guess things are looking up a bit now?
Haha, I meant hopefully he won't ever hate me. I figured that since I'd have to be the one calling him on his shit (cleaning, house rules, etc.) I could very easily go from being a friend/housemate to the dictator that he doesn't like.
