Hi All..I found this website today by chance..it may be my saving grace. I am 35, mom of 2, was married for 8 years (together for 12) to a man. We split 4 years ago, he's gay. Has been his whole life, just didn't tell me, tried to hide it. He's in a steady relationship with a fantastic man who my kids love and know as daddy #2. I started messing around with women a few years ago, experimenting, originally thought women were for sex, but not commitment. It all changed, I changed. I'm in love with a wonderful woman, my family has met her as my 'friend' She hates being hidden, i understand that but I need to do this on my own time. I'm getting close, I can feel it. I'm scared to death to come out to my parents, they're very loving and accepting (My brother is gay) but I feel like they're gonna be devastated to have 2 gay children..what are the odds? and my gay ex. I'm worried about work, as they are a conservative bunch. I'm worried about pretty much everything. But..I need to be happy, I've been depressed and somedays I feel like i'm gonna lose it. it's hard to be in love and not be proud of it. i'm even weary out in the community of public affection...in this day and age it's ridiculous. Sometimes I question my gayness..and think it would ne easier to settle down with a man, as everyone expects me too. My kids will have 2 gay parents, what if they are made fun of?? They are my life. But I am gay, I don't want/need to be with a man. I love my girl. We want to be happy and free. Any words of advice? Thank you
Hi, welcome to EC. I'm a relative newbie here as well. First of all I'm so glad to hear that your ex and you have found relationships that make you happy, that's awesome. Here's my take on your concerns: 1. Your parents. What are the odds? Well since research suggests there is at least some sort of genetic component (identical twins are more likely to both be gay than fraternal twins for instance), I'd say the odds are decent Might they be a bit disappointed? Well, maybe. But I think they'd be more disappointed if you felt you had to hide what makes you happy from them. They're loving and accepting, that's great, and I think they would certainly love and accept you. 2. Work. Some people don't talk about their personal lives at work, some do. Not sure what kind of situation you have at work, but that's up to you. Chances are they might take it better than you think. That's definitely been the case with some friends of mine that I had pegged as quite conservative, they seemed to accept it better than I did! 3. Other worries (public affection, kids, etc). I have definitely gotten caught up in the "What if's" in the past. Still do. I call it analysis paralysis. You spend so much time worrying about the things that might happen that might make you miserable that you . . . make yourself miserable. What has helped for me is to try to take things one step at a time. Don't try to predict the future, you can come up with all sorts of different possible scenarios and most of the time reality ends up being very different. Your last couple of lines seem to tell me that you know what you want to do. Change is scary, but my vote would be to go for it! Best wishes to you!!
First off you came to a great place! I am sorry to say I don't have any good advice to your overall situation, but I can say congratulations on finding who you are. I really do hope this all can work out for you and you find your own way to let people know about you and your relationship. The only way for you to do this is to really look at where you are and discover who and how you need to tell. People can give advice but in the end it is your decision on what to do.
Thank you for your responses...Social Guitar Guy; I love what you had to say..especially the anaylisis paralysis part..so true. Thank you Jake V. It's been a struggle determining how to label myself and if i even need too! But I know who I am now and that's part of the battle
I agree that you know what you want to do. My best advice is not look at where you are now and where you want to be and think 'oh goodness how am I ever going to acheive all of these things I need to do', its overwhelming, it makes you feel down. The best thing to do is not forget where you eventually want to be but just to think what is it most important for me to acheive next, so that might be coming out to your parents, I mean coming out to work collegues might be something you want to do in the future but surely there is no rush. I can understand your reservations about telling your parents but its true that whilst it might be a bit of a shock im sure deep down all they want to you be is happy. Once you have come out to your parents and that has settled down then and only then should you worry about what your next step would be. You need to break it down into managable bite size pieces. As for the people at work when you get around to it, I usually find the less of a deal you make out for it the less of a big deal those you are telling make it out to be.
Your kids will be fine with two sensible, honest, caring, loving gay parents. Just think of the number of gay kids who've made do with heterosexual parents. Your kids have it comparatively easy. It's normal for parents to be concerned about their kids, so I'm not saying that's wrong or anything. Just trying to help.
I appreciate your words Farouche I've never looked at it that way, gay kids and their hetero parents, it makes total sense!!
