I apologize if this sounds like a ramble. It's just that, well, I don't really have anywhere else to vent my feelings to, and I think writing everything down will help me clear my head. I don't understand why coming out is so hard. I'm so angry and disappointed in myself. Today, I once again decided that I was going to tell my therapist that I'm gay. Again and again, I've told myself I'm going to do this, and yet when I arrive we begin talking about other topics. I eagerly accept this conversation like a dehydrated man accepts a drink of water. My mind screams at me, "Direct the conversation in the proper direction, don't forget your goal..." ...and... like a coward I just can't do it. This is sad. I'm nearly thirty years old. I've known I was gay from since like age eleven. Yes, I spent my entire teen years in denial, but I acknowledged the fact that I couldn't change it around age eighteen. Like virtually every gay teen growing up in a small rural community, especially before I had the internet, I was utterly alone. I suffered through horrible suicidal depression, etc. etc. I'm not the only person in the world to go through this. I finally grew to accept and love who I am in my twenties, but I was never ready to take the step and just be honest and open. Now, here I am pushing thirty. I'm trying to get my life on track, trying to get things together, and yet... why is this so hard? Am I afraid of being rejected? No. I know my therapist will be amazingly supportive. I have zero fear of rejection. I have a slight fear of our relationship changing, being treated differently. My overwhelming fear is having to talk about it openly with him. What it boils down to is, I think... I hate being vulnerable. I know that when I am going to begin talking about it, chances are I'm going to start to cry. I hate crying. I hate doing it in front of other people. Yet, I don't think I can control it. Just talking about it brings back so many painful memories from what I went through growing up. I want to throw it all behind me, and yet I'm still clinging to it like a child with a security blanket. I'm ready. This is necessary. Doing this will be immensely helpful. I have this twisted notion that if I keep everything bottled up inside, then I am still in control. That somehow if I'm honest I lose control of things, and terrifyingly - I don't want things to change. Well, that's not true. I do want things to change, but because I can't properly foresee the changes that will come to pass the unknown terrifies me. I'm going to do this. It shouldn't be a big deal. ...but I'm afraid I'm going to back down again. It feels so hard, and it shouldn't be this hard. I need to find some courage, but I don't know where to draw it from. I don't know what to do.
You seem to have a very clear understanding of why its so hard for you so i wont comment on that but what you could do, if you really want to come out to your therapist and cant seem to make the words come out, is write it down on a peice of paper and hand it to him at your next appointment. Make sure you have it in your hand when you walk in so you don't forget it and that way if you cant manage to hand it over your therapist may notice it and ask about it, thus giving you an opening =D
I've thought of that. I've also thought of writing an e-mail. Writing is so much easier than speaking for me. Yet, I trust my therapist. I can't imagine that things would go poorly no matter what happens. If I get upset and cry? Nothing bad. It's just that I don't like getting emotional like that. Hell, I don't even cry at funerals. I'm the type of guy when it comes to funerals that puts his arm around someone else who is grieving, offering comfort. Then I think about a funny or fond memory that we shared together in an attempt to get them to smile or laugh. Of course, I mourn and grieve... privately and alone. (Wow that sounds pathetically sad.) I just don't like people seeing me upset like that. I want to be "strong" for everyone else, but at the same time I hate feeling "vulnerable" - needing someone else to comfort me. My memories of growing up are all horrible and bad. I have so much painful emotional baggage that I've kept bottled up. I just know the moment I start blabbing I wont be able to stop, and it's all going to come out - because I want it to... It's a matter of respect, I think. I respect my therapist too much to not look him in the eye (or try to) and tell him the truth. I mean, seriously, I'd be shocked if he isn't at the least bit suspicious that I might be gay. I'd be blown over if it never crossed his mind. It's not a matter of shame or guilt over being gay. I've worked through all that on my own. It's just hard, because I've spent so long building up a wall to protect myself. In order to be honest, I have to lower that wall, and make myself vulnerable. ...but this is like the fourth time I've chickened out. The fourth time! It's like the man knows exactly when to throw me a conversational rope to rescue me from having to have the talk. Stupidly (or actually - cowardly and desperately) I seize upon that rope and hate myself after I end up leaving. "I promised myself I'd tell him this time, but I didn't..." I wish he'd just let an awkward silence linger between us for about thirty seconds. I'd likely begin spilling my guts just to fill the void. I don't even know how to start the conversation. I've played it over in my head a thousand times. I don't want to just walk in and be all like, "Hey I'm gay. I just thought I'd tell you that." I want a chance to explain, because I want him to understand WHY I didn't tell him to start with several months ago. I want to talk about some of the things I went through growing up. I want these things on the table.
So, you don't have a problem with being gay. You have a problem with being vulnerable. Same here. That's what your therapist is there for, though. With him, you are allowed to be vulnerable, and allowed to cry. You can't imagine how good it feels to have a friendly shoulder to cry on. You just have to try it. Can you tell your therapist there's something you're having trouble saying? Then he knows to pause and give you a chance, and you have a moment where telling him is less awkward than not telling him. Maybe it shouldn't be so hard, but it is because you have the habit of not telling. It's amazing how strong habits can be. The power and freedom of being able to change your habits is amazing too. Having come out to yourself as gay, you're trying to come out as scared, lonely and.. well... human. Wow. I admire that.
Thanks Farouche. I think he definitely noticed that there was something I wasn't saying last session. I've only been going for a couple of months, and already I'm making amazing progress. I've been fighting so hard to get my life on track. Although, the more I think about it I think being vulnerable is only part of it. There is a hidden fear there as well. I know that once I start the process of coming out for a second time, there will be no going back. It's going to start with my therapist and shortly thereafter it's going to be my entire family. I came out to my mother in my early twenties. I wasn't ready then, but I was pressured into it by some of my online friends who had also recently come out. While she was accepting, she made it pretty clear that she didn't want other people to know. I hadn't fully come to terms and acceptance of being gay myself, and basically after I told her we never spoke about it again. For years afterward whenever discussions of my future came up, you know - how mother's do - "When you get married..." Well, the discussion would go something like, "When you get married to a woman, [pause]... or whatever..." I ended up firmly back in the closet, but I'm confident that she's ready now, and I know that I am ready as well. The hidden fear, though, is that once I start coming out I'm afraid of slipping backward into what I once was. I spent my entire teen years doing everything that I could to suppress things. My twenties were spent angry, then seeking to find some sort of acceptance. I made peace with who I am. I learned to actually like myself. I fought so hard to get where I am today. ...and I had to do it all, pretty much, all alone. I've never had anyone to lean on, or to open myself up too. Ever. My entire life has been nothing but suppression. This is the reason I have trouble being vulnerable. I'm no good at it. It's actually scary as hell. I thought about re-coming out to my mother first, but I don't know. Sharing myself with other people - my feelings, the things I've been through all on my own... It's hard. It's like you said, it's a habit. I'm so used to dodging and evading. I'm so used to putting up an emotional wall. Pretending to be happy when I feel like crap. I feel like I'm just trying to flip a switch and pretend like none of that existed, like I could just turn it off if I wanted too. It feels like if I've made up my mind about something, I should just be able to do it without resistance. Yet, I'm finding that more difficult in practice. I'm going to do it. It's just a question of working up the courage to start.
I think you have a clear grasp of where you stand and what you want, but fears of the unknown are kind of holding you back. I had virtually the same issue that I worked through with my therapist (who was also among the first people came out to, and coincidentally he related to me that his daughter had come out the month before). I understand the fear of saying the words to another person, so why don't you try telling yourself? Look yourself in the eye in a mirror and just say it: "I'm gay." I know that was a huge step for me just being able to have the words out there, let alone having another person hearing it. So, I'd say practice makes perfect, and keep reminding yourself VERBALLY who you are. And when you get to the point that telling yourself is no big deal, then I think you'll be ready to tell your therapist. Good luck! You can do it!
I think you need to break the pattern. Until now, I presume you've come into his office, you've sat down and you've started talking and it's become a habit. Make a deal with yourself that the next time you go see him, you will not enter his office, or you won't sit down (or whatever else you generally do) before you tell him or hand him a note. In other words, you can't do these things unless you tell him. Because if you do what you generally do, sitting down and letting him talk, it will be really hard to stop him and say what you want to tell him. It's best that you make yourself start with that. To find the courage to tell him, concentrate on your desire to tell him, on why you want to tell him, and how by telling him he'll be able to help you. Don't think of what's holding you back. Think of why you need to tell him.
ROFL. DhammaGamer I didn't realize it until you pointed it out. That's hilarious - you're absolutely right. Thankfully, it hasn't been longer than four hours. No need to seek medical attention. Thanks NickD. I've actually been doing that. When I've been alone, I try and say it to myself out loud. It's not that it's hard saying it to myself. Though admittedly, saying it out loud is slightly more difficult than it should be (mostly because I'm not used to saying, "I'm gay.") But yeah, I'm hoping that by actually HEARING myself say it (instead of thinking or writing it), will make it easier to say at my next appointment. Fisnou, thanks for the advice. That's what I told myself this previous time. I had just changed my hairstyle - I've always been insanely funny about my hair - so I knew that'd be the topic of conversation the moment I walked in... Sigh. Of course, I had to engage in that, which I didn't mind. It's just that after it started I couldn't find a way to redirect the conversation to where I needed it to go. Plus, he's really good at what he does. So he knows how to keep me comfortable and talking, lol. That was kinda the problem. Every time I saw a natural break in the conversation, I needed a moment to gather my courage to redirect. And every time I was trying, he'd ask a question, or make a comment or something, and I'd respond... only to have to begin working up my courage all over again. He obviously noticed something was off during the visit. He's very perceptive. He notices WAY too much (though that doesn't bother me, it just makes him really good at what he does), and quite honestly, I wouldn't be shocked if he already suspected. I doubt it'll come as some grand revelation or shock. Certain things he used to bring up he no longer does, likely because it became obvious that I was redirecting or uncomfortable talking about them. I mean, honestly, if he doesn't at least suspect I'm giving him too much credit on how perceptive he is. I know if I was on the other side of the desk, there would totally be a neon light flashing over my head. There is tons of circumstantial evidence. All he needs is the confirmation. LOL. And I know he'll be fine with it, so like I said - I'm not worried about him freaking out. This is all 100% me.
Ha ha ha :roflmao: Hm, it sounds like he talks way too much! Shouldn't he be letting you talk!? Next time you see him, go in and say "before you say anything, I need to tell you something" or something along those lines. You need to take control as soon as you see him. OR (I have tons of ideas, sorry!) come in wearing something very obviously gay like a rainbow something or other and then if he says something about it, say "yes, you've guessed right, I AM gay" or "yes, this IS what it looks like"... It might or might not work. I dunno. You know him better than I do.
I was in the same boat. Last year (on the verge of turning 30) I had been seeing this therapist for a couple of months and just couldn't say it. The conversation would get near the topic and part of me hoped so much that she would ask or that somehow I could reveal the truth without having to say it outright. Finally, I wrote a letter to a friend and I brought that to my next session. It was awful waiting while she read the letter but such a relief when she finished and we could finally talk about some things I'd really needed to discuss but just couldn't bring up. Answering questions was so much easier (though still difficult, of course) than trying to bring it up on my own.
Fisnou - LOL. Yes, he does talk quite a bit more than I would have normally expected. However, it totally works for us. He's a great listener as well. When he's talking it's mostly about himself, and the things that he's experienced - so the whole thing feels like I'm having a conversation. Plus, it has the extra benefit of making me feel like I can relate to him, which in turn makes it easier for me to open up about my problems. I've been to two other therapists. The first one was probably the worst. I came out to him on the first visit under the advice of friends. I was suffering from extreme depression and anxiety at the time. He was horrible at his job, but I was young and naive (I was almost eighteen years old). His treatment for helping me was to encourage me to get my drivers license and find a male prostitute. You know, because I totally needed to have sex to "make sure" that I was gay. :rolle: I never did tell him that I had lost my virginity a loooong time before I ever met him, and that I had been actively having sex (with the same guy) for years. In fact, we had only recently stopped because he had finally gotten a girlfriend, and me - well, I got tossed aside. Oh well, that was a valuable lesson. This is why you don't allow yourself to be used for the sexual gratification of straight men. :eusa_doh: Because I wasn't willing to take his advice (I was much to insecure to even consider a prostitute - in all honesty), he said I wasn't making any "progress" and he dumped me. He told me not to bother coming back, so I never did. It took me years before I was willing to try therapy again, and I didn't come out to her at all. It lasted for about a half a year, I saw some progress, but ultimately - I just stopped going. This time, though, it's really working. People are even noticing a positive change in my personality. I'm really clicking with this therapist. I feel comfortable talking with him, and I've established a relationship of trust. He's helped me with lots of practical advice that I've been putting into practice, and it's working. So, really, it's time. Coming out to him is just the next big step I need to take. Adarahs - I've thought about doing the same thing. I thought about writing him an e-mail, and just explaining everything in it. That way when I showed up to my next visit we could talk about it. However, I don't want to do that. I want to actually be in the room, look him in the eye, and say the words. That's important to me. It's also, I think, a sign that I trust and feel comfortable with him. Both of which are true. I can't allow myself to hide behind paper. That's too easy. Of course, I'm making it harder than it needs to be. Which is causing me unnecessary stress and anxiety. Which is bad. But I feel like this is the best thing for me to do. By doing it the hard way, it'll make it easier the next time I have to do it. Then the next time after that. And the next time after that. Eventually, I'm going to have to do it, and it's better for me to go through it with someone I can trust and feel comfortable with... someone who can actually help me deal with all the emotional baggage I'm carrying around. This way when I actually come out to everyone else, I'm on much stronger footing.
