Hello everyone. I am so thankful that such a site exists. It was a blessing to find it. And thanks in advance to any of you guys that can help me out. I really thank you. And sorry that this post is a bit long but this is my only outlet as of now. Basically I have been questioning for some time now. I am 20, male, and a first year college student in the US. My campus is quite LGBT friendly. I come from a country where LGBT community in general was hardly visible and quite discriminated against. Here in the US it is so different, I know there are problems with acceptance here but its so much better than back home without question. Through school I felt straight mostly and had two relationships with girls but looking back I think I did not really pursue them. Like the first was initiated by her and really short and we didn't really do anything physical. The second was a girl I thought I really liked a lot and we did stuff (still a virgin though) and I really felt almost in love with her. Looking back I did look at some guys in school. But we were taught that everyone 'goes through phases' or that it is 'natural' to feel little attracted to some guys so I just kind of brushed it off. But now since coming to college I have started really questioning as I am feeling more and more like I am probably bi or gay. These thoughts have come before but now it's like really strong and I am almost past questioning stage at least that I am bi, now wondering if I am maybe just gay. It's hard for me for many reasons. I am ashamed now to say that in school I even felt a little bit self hatred for feeling anything at all for any guy. I regret that now and have no more shame myself. For that I really have to thank my many friends here. But I really feel lke I am bottling it up inside me and this is making me weird in all my interactions. Like until a month or so ago I feel like I was kind of half-hitting on girls like not really into it. At the same time I meet guys even gay that I really like that I want to get to know but I am still in the closet and not even sure about what closet I am in. So please if you guys can help me on two things, I beg you. First is identifying myself and ending the questioning. Is there any way to really know? The second is more complicated- coming out. In a few weeks I will be finally going back home after a year at college. The mood back home on the community is not as good as in the US but it's not too bad, I mean there are very little legal rights but there is definitely a community. Anyways I plan to stay in the US anyways for other reasons so that is not a problem. Though I will always try to do my bit to help the situation home. My parents are relatively liberal on most things and I think on this too. Like I am sure they will accept me at least I hope. But I think they will still be disappointed and I wonder sometimes. Like the only person back home who I know is gay is a very distant relative of my father. My entire extended family is very close including him but they do not like having his partner around. Even now we are meant to refer to him as his 'friend' and relatives get very awkward and do not like to talk about his sexuality. My father often refers to him as a fag. I think it is jokingly and I am sure my parents will love me and accept me no matter what, but I am worried about the rest of the family and at some level also that my parents will act like it is okay but will not take it well. The only time it has come up was when my father once said that his only two fears in life are if his children get hooked on to drugs, or that his child is gay. My last worry is about friends back home. I have great friends, both guys and girls. Still none of them are out. Many are studying abroad and are really liberal and accepting for sure but still not one of the 500 or so students in my school was out. Also many of my guy friends are like brothers to me and we have like a big group and have helped each other through a lot of tough times with other type of things. So I really want to tell them. I have never felt anything for any of them. Mostly because they are like my brothers but still I am afraid they might get scared or disconnect. Like I have heard so many stories of people that you really trust who cannot accept you. Lastly I thought of coming out to people here in my college in the US to start who will easily accept it I am sure. I really love and respect my LGBT friends especially ones who come from like the South and other conservative areas. But I am worried that if word gets around here it might get to my friends from back home or my family, and that I really do not want. I want them to know when I am ready for them to know. So basically yeah that's my problem. I don't know what I am but it's getting in the way of my life and I want to come out at least as bi so I can stop living a lie. But I don't know how to come out and who to come out. I have watched YouTube videos, heard stories of my friends here, and I am so inspired and motivated by all of them. Every out person in the world in whatever circumstances, imo, deserves great respect as it takes courage cause you never know who is going to turn out to be a bigot. But I don't know how to manage it right in my situation. Sorry that this was so long! I will be so thankful if anyone can help me out. Thanks for taking out the time to read this and I love and respect every one of you for your strength and sharing it with others.
Hello there! And welcome to EC! :smilewave On the labeling front: I do think that in the end, it's not about being 100% sure in the scientific sense, but about picking a label that you're comfortable with. If you feel that attractions to guys come much easier than attractions to girls, and are much stronger (as your post indicates, it seems pursuing girls is a bit of a chore at the best of times), then it's most likely closer to gay. If you feel honest attraction to both sexes at times, then it's most likely bi. But if you feel more comfortable about describing yourself as "bi but preferring guys", then there's nothing wrong with that. Something that can help with figuring it out further: just run with the different options for a day. Just say "hey, let's see what it feels like to just assume I'm gay for a bit". You don't have to tell anyone you're doing this, even. Just go about your daily business and if you feel like noticing cute guys, then do that. Imagine that you would ask one of them out and run with that fantasy for a bit. If halfway the day, you discover you're noticing girls, then usually that means you have some bisexual side. If not at all, then that points to a well-developed same-sex attraction. As for the news getting out: I think it's a perfectly sensible plan to first just be out at your U.S. campus, and then worrying about telling people at home. Being out at your campus might just involve telling some trusted fiends, it might involve telling all your friends, or it might involve joining the local GLBT society and seeing who you meet there. Even if it's only for a couple of weeks anymore, it could be an invaluable taste of what being out of the closet feels like. It might give you a better feel for how you would go about it back home. It finding its way to your friends at home sounds pretty unlikely, to be honest. Do your U.S. friends regularly communicate with your home friends or family? or is the biggest risk here that they would post references to you being gay on your facebook wall or the like? If the latter: it is possible to just keep friends in different groups, and making sure not everyone can see everything. And never underestimate friends being able to keep secrets. Especially the other gay ones from areas where being gay is frowned on would understand that. Back at home... I personally advise you to tackle that when you get to it and focus on coming out in the U.S. first. But even there, with caution you can achieve much: you start with the friends most likely to be accepting (or at least who you can trust to keep a secret even if they aren't too wild about alternate sexualities), and then work towards telling more and more of them. Tell it like it's no big deal, and they're less likely to take it as a big deal. When you have the support of some or most of your friends, it's that much easier to tell your family. That's my two cents at least. And I'm getting the impression most of it is things you know and are planning already. In any case: I'm perfectly sure you can manage it!
Hi Filip! Man, thanks so much for this post. It has helped me a lot. Especially since it was so long! You know it is funny, I made a plan to try out your method of being 'gay for a day' soon but today after reading this I think I just started to do this automatically. Like all day I just landed up doing it. And yes I think it is close to gay or at least bi mostly guys. I think I have come out to myself at least quite a bit already. Thanks a lot. I will try some friends on campus especially gay from the south. I have a good friend who's out who's from Alabama he says its really bad down there and hes still not fully out to his family. He definitely thinks I am fully straight but I am thinking I may try telling him. Or this other girl who is straight but doesnt know most of my other friends. Ya I was mostly worried not about Facebook as much as if I am fully out in college, then my friends from my home city (there are like 2) will know and might talk about it even by mistake to others and it will get around at home. I think I can selectively try here. Thanks for the great advice. Weird but I am feeling better already.
