So there's a guy I am crazy about. I've had a crush on him for cca. two and a half years. He's the reason I completely stopped doubting that I was gay. I see him maybe three or four times a year and every time, instead of slowly getting over him, I somehow get a little more into him. After a lot of pain, misery and depression, I gathered enough courage to speak to him. It was in business surrounding and many people my carrier is currently linked to were in the same meeting, so basically I pretty much had to expose myself to a potentially horrible situation if he turned out to be straight, homophobic and unable or unwilling to keep quiet. However, it went better than I could ever expect. It turned out he was gay, out a long time, ready to help and very supportive. He was (is) in a longterm relationship and quite happy with his life. This was some half a year ago. In the meantime we've seen each other three times and on one occasion we had a whole afternoon to talk. He was great about everything, really interested in helping me. But, although it makes me extremely happy that I can talk to him, almost from the second I say "bye" to him, I always find myself in a free fall into the abyss of depression. It's unavoidable, I try to reason with myself, make myself be happy for the fact that we talked, but to no avail. The next day I am always as good as dead, no will to get out of bed, irritated by anything or anyone, unable to do my job. Now, ok, I understand a part of it is just sadness over the inability to ever be with him, the mix of his kindness and willingness to help and obvious lack of interest in me, the knowledge that after we part it will take a couple of months to see him again. But on the other hand.. oh it just hurts so much! Stupid feelings. What can I do!? It's killing me. It takes me a week every time to start functioning and almost a month to feel ok. It's just not sustainable
Tough situation, however you won't get over him unless you REALLY want to, if you do just follow the 3 steps and soon enough you will be over him. 1 - Space - You only see him 3/4 times a year though so this is not really an issue. 2 - Time - As you also see him 3/4 times a year, you have plenty of time. 3 - Someone else to focus on - This is where you need to focus on I think, if you can fall for another person, you will stop falling for him, if you at least fall for someone who crushes you, you can see their bad side and focus on that, and eventually hate them for it, however if someone takes it good like the guy you're crushing on it's hard to see their bad side, so you see them as the perfect partner. You aren't going to be with him, accept that then move on and search for someone else, it's the only thing to do. All the best.
I think Zaio gave you some really good advice. I've gone through similar issues myself. When I find myself in this situation, it usually has less to do with the other person and much more to do with myself. Basically, it comes down to being lonely and isolated. Something that will surely help, if you don't have any already, is making some other gay friends. It's important to feel connected to other people; people that you can trust. From there, actively begin looking for a relationship. This guy is in a long-term committed relationship and is happy. So, unless they're in an open relationship, or he's sleazy and willing to cheat on his husband/boyfriend (in which case you don't want him) nothing is going to happen with this guy beyond friendship. I find that, when I start to have feelings like this, once I start reaching out to other people BEYOND this single individual those feelings tend to resolve themselves. It is, at least for me, always a result of being very lonely and isolated.
Really, I am not counting on anything happening between the two of us. Even if I don't count geographical problems (we don't even live in the same country), the truth is he never gave me any reason to think that he might be interested in me at all. He's been great about helping me, both with coming out and just talking to me, but he's just being friendly (and I am truly grateful on that part). So no, even though I think I just might die if I got to hug him, that is not a possibility I consider likely. Aldrick, you are right. Even if he was interested in me and ready to do something about it, that would just mean I wouldn't really want him anymore. This isn't someone I want in bed, he is a type of guy I want to feel loved by. The main part of that attraction is his personality (although the body...) and that would be compromised in such a situation. But the loneliness and isolation.. eh, there you are spot on. :icon_sad: Zaio, spacetime points are covered, definitely. He is far away and whenever I see him it's usually a different season, so.. first two covered. And then there's that getting to know other gay people part. Basically, other than him I don't know any gay people. I was once in a gay wedding afterparty of sorts, but most of people were straight. Actually, other than the grooms, I don't know if anyone else was gay... hm. And surprisingly, under a conservative government LGBT organizations apparently were left without money to hold support groups, so that more or less acceptable solution is out of question. And it's not really a liberal country.. although, can't complain, it could definitely be much worse. And I could also bitch about why gay people aren't easier to spot, but that would be kinda hypocritical. Then there are also those uncertainties about who actually is gay. For example, a coworker makes gay jokes with me and it's fun, but it doesn't have to mean anything.. wow, what confusion. Well that was highly off topic. The thing is, this guy is killing me. When I see him on Skype it saddens me instantly. The same when I see his name on a huge mailing list in some random mail. It completely throws me off. Mh.. sorry. I don't even know how to ask what I want. I don't even know what I want.
Dalmatian- I'm 100% sure now that I've gone through the same thing so many times before. It is -always- a result of being lonely and isolated. This guy? It has nothing to do with him. You're just latching onto him because you don't have anyone else to connect to - it's natural and normal. But there isn't anything magical or special about him, this is all about you. I also understand completely what you mean about making connections with other gay people. Where I live, even though it's in the US, it's very rural and conservative. The closest place I could reach out for support to find a larger number of gay people is a bit over an hour away. There aren't any gay organizations nearby, gay clubs, or gay bars - nothing. Have you tried online dating sites? I don't mean necessarily to look for a boyfriend, but a lot of those sites have a selection for "just friends." It's pretty much the best way to identify other LGBT people living nearby. Do a Google search looking for gay dating sites, especially ones that might be based in your country. Then, once you've signed up, systematically begin looking for LGBT people who live nearby who might have also signed up. Contact them looking for just friendship. Be honest that you don't really have any other gay friends, you're just looking to hook up with other LGBT people in the area to talk and hang out with... I think, in a lot of cases, you aren't alone. There are likely people living near you who are feeling just as isolated and alone as you are. They're saying and feeling all the same things you are right now. So, in all likelihood I think most people would jump to make a new friend. That's my suggestion. I'm about to start the process of coming out and living openly. Once I've told my family and stuff, the above is what I intend to do. Best of luck. I know exactly what you're feeling. Been there, done that, way too many times. (*hug*)
Dalmation, there are people who have longings for someone, and full of hope to get with them, and then there are people who have the same longings and have lost hope because they keep dictating to themselves what they can't have. The second typically results in depression. Your depression does not come from the fact that you have a big crush on this guy, but from your hopelessness. You need to transform your hopelessness into hopefulness, and so you need to figure out what you really, really want; do you want this particular guy to love you, or do you want a guy to love you and to be able to go out and find that someone?
