The situation: me and my wife are both transgendered and we have a wonderful 9 months old daughter. We also eventually want another child. Where it gets tricky is that we are not fully transitioned, and are at different stages. My wife is now close to her forties and she is quite ready to fully feminize and identify publicly as a woman. She wants to be called mom and she will, with no problem. When I say we are not fully transition, well, I don't think I will ever fully identify as male in public. I am very satisfied with just my little world knowing and acknowledging my being a guy "inside". I really like my breasts and such. The only major changes I see myself doing are working on my muscle mass and deepening my voice but that's it; I'm already very tall and rather square. I want to be called dad, and am. Question is, how do we go, in today's world, raising our children? We will probably appear as a couple of lesbians in a couple years which would simplify things some, especially from the point of view of people who don't know/care about transgender reality. What do we answer to people who ask questions? Any tricks? Also my mom is moving in our city in less than a week and will be closer to us and to her first granddaughter. I foresee having a serious conversation with her to explain her what transgendered people are, and transsexuals, but I also foresee it very difficult for her to understand. I need clear, easy to explain points to give her. Also, how do I explain my own case? Writing it down in a forum inhabited by lots of knowledgeable and open-minded folks and explaining it to my mom (who knows already btw just doesn't understand) are two different things. Thanks for your help. I hope I make sense!
Let me be the first to say congratulations on reaffirming the definition of family. It already sounds like you two will be awesome parents raising their children in an open, tolerant, and loving family. People seem to forget that children are often mirrors of their parents. What they see and hear their parents do, they're more likely than not to repeat, unless a greater influence comes along. As for your situation, I wish I had some clear cut advice, but I'm very new to just being openly gay and still have a lot to learn on the many issues within our community. Speaking just as a son and fellow human being, you don't need me to tell you to love your children, to keep the conversation channels open, to take an interest in your childrens' lives and that of their friends. Your mom may not fully understand or embrace the situation, but she knows who you are and loves you for that. It sounds like she's willing to set aside any insecurities she may have about the situation and work towards building up the bonds with you, her daughter-in-law, and her grandchildren. That's just good stuff all around. I wish you and your family the best of luck.
Thanks JRNagoya!! With my wife working from home and all, we intend to always have one of us at home to raise the kids and to establish a great stability in our loving home. I am convinced that we are great parents already. And you're right, my mom is great too I'm lucky. Her moving out of her little town might open her mind some too.
Hi there. I'd say you go about raising your children as anyone else raises their children. You love them and protect them and teach them the values that you want them to have. Sounds easy, but is extremely difficult. I have two daughters - 9 and 11. I had them in a heterosexual marriage that ended 5 years ago and I came out to my girls amost 3 years ago now. They were in our wedding this past summer when I married my husband. His son and daughter were in the wedding as well. I don't push my orientation into their lives. I leave it up to them as to whether they want to openly talk about me with their friends. (Although when I first came out to them I also gave their teacher's a 'heads up' so that if the issue came up in school that they would be prepared to deal with in a positive way.) I know my younger one talks to her teacher about my husband - as the teacher knew who he was when he attended her school concert. (That was pretty nice to hear - it brings a tear to my eye right now thinking about it.) When we're out in public it's probably evident to people around us that we're a couple, but I don't know. My kids simply refer to him by his first name, as he wasn't a step dad when they met him, he was just their dad's boyfriend. So that isn't an issue. They hear my girls refer to him by name. In your case, people hearing your daughter refer to you as dad when - in their eye - you aren't a man might raise some eyebrows. I imagine it will be a matter of making sure that the important people in your daughter's life (teachers, coaches, instructors, friends parents) are aware of your family make up so that they react in a positive and supportive way when your daughter brings it up. All the best to you and your wife.
Jim, As PurpleCrabs wife, I wanted to take a moment to thank you for your wonderful advise! I agree that telling people that will interact with our girl is a good idea. And I think it will help her as she gets older. Teachers and friends parents where two groups i never thought of informing. Best wishes to you and your husband! Jada
I agree with Jim in this case. People that are important in your daughter's life should definitely know. But I also think that for others it's none of their business. I think that you should just go with the flow and see where life takes you. The people you don't know don't need to know about your family's situation if PurpleCrab isn't ready to/never will identify as a man. ^^ And if you ever get asked questions... you can always just say "It's a long story," haha. With your mom, just remember she loves you no matter what you say. I think the best way to explain it would be the way you explain it to your daughter when she's old enough. If you can explain something to a 5-year-old, then you know it completely, and the listener will most likely understand. Best of luck. xx
I do imagine me sitting down at the table with my daughter in about 7 years after she's asked me why her parents don't look like typical moms and dads. Girl, sometimes it's easy: you look like a girl, you feel like a girl, you have the body and the head of a girl. Maybe sometimes you're going to have kids of your own and be a mom. You're lucky because it isn't always this easy. Some people like me don't have that so clear. I look like a girl but I feel like a boy, and I feel I'm your dad. Because it's not so easy, most people won't even try to understand and are sometimes even mean. The thing is, if I did like they want and live like a girl it would feel all wrong. I mean, do you imagine me being a mom?
I wouldn't wait 7 years. Start explaining it to her as soon as she's talking. Little kids are surprisingly relaxed about gender. I had a three-year-old call me a boy because I said I was a boy, when everyone else around was trying to insist I was a girl. Don't let your gender sound like a problem, even if you or other people do have problems with it. And I wouldn't tell her she's lucky to be cisgender, at least not until you know for sure that she is!
