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Confused about coming out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by B733, Apr 24, 2012.

  1. B733

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    Recently, I saw a counsellor regarding some social problems with a particular friend. THe counsellor was confused and asked, without intent of being offensive, whether I'm in a romantic relationship with that particular friend because to her, it seemed like it.

    Initially, I laughed it off and said no, thinking of how preposterous that could possibly be. As time proceeded, as whilst we began to mend our initial problems towards the start of the year, I began distancing myself. He noticed that I was distancing myself and for some reason, I felt as though he made an attempt to latch onto me. Through that, I've secretly developed a crush on this guy. Both of us, to a reasonable person, wouldn't have any suspicion of either of us being gay. A friend said that I come across as very masculine, and I suppose, to an extent, so does this friend of mine.

    Problem is, however, that I'm unsure as to whether he's gay, and I'm not entirely sure as to whether I'm gay. I'm just so confused at the moment.

    I've got interests that you couldn't call gay - planes, cars, news/politics, hate shopping, like technology, etc. This friend has almost exactly the same interests. In fact, at uni, we share very similar marks, were predominately raised by our mothers - the counsellor exclaimed that he's almost like a mirror of me.

    He doesn't talk about females, dislikes sports, and we've become somewhat close, of late. More recently, I've noticed that during lectures, he'd bring his feet closer to mine, for some reason - almost as though he has a foot fetish. Once, we sat in a row with wide seats - I saw his foot moving somewhat closer to me, almost examining the area to see where my foot was. It was really weird. Also, our discussions on our mutual interests almost seem to be... subtle flirts...

    I've decided that it might be worthwhile talking to him that it's possible that I'm bi/confused/unsure. However, the idyllic situation is for him to say 'oh, me too!!!'. However, that seems unlikely...

    So, how do I know if he's gay? Should I reveal the possibility that I'm gay without absolute certainty? He's a good chap and I do enjoy his company.
     
    #1 B733, Apr 24, 2012
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2012
  2. csm123

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    Hi B733

    I think you need to come out to him,up to you whether as gay,curious,bi or whatever.By coming out to him you will give him an opening to come out to you if he is ready to,or is actually gay himself.

    I would like to point out that allthough you say you like doing non gay things such as cars and planes etc,well gay men can enjoy doing whatever any body else enjoys doing.Even if you came out as gay,you would still enjoy all the same things and you would just be a masculine,staight acting gay guy(join the club,there are plenty of us).

    Just by reading your post,i would say that you are certainly bi or gay and your friend doesnt come off as straight either,so i wish you the best of look and hope he can be as open and honest in return.
     
  3. Aldrick

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    Well, let me start with the big stuff.

    1. I happen to be heavily in tune with news/politics and it is one of my primary interests, hate shopping, and love technology. Not really into cars and planes, but hey, not everyone is perfect, right? :icon_bigg

    My point is that your interests, have nothing to do with whether or not you're gay, straight, or bi - or a purple poka dot. There are gays who are insanely macho, and gays who are insanely feminine, but the truth is that the VAST majority of gay people - just like heterosexual people - tend to fall somewhere in between.

    Being a gay man does not make someone feminine. In fact some of the most effeminate men I've known have actually been completely straight. Yes - gasp - straight men who are effeminate (and subsequently always assumed to be gay). People come in all stripes, colors, and personality types. What is most important is that you learn to accept and love who you are, and then learn to accept and tolerate others who might be something completely different.

    2. No one can tell you whether you're gay or not. This is something that only you can answer for yourself. Sexuality is a strange thing, and isn't always black and white.

    I can tell you from my experience as a gay man, that people often look at sexuality the wrong way. People focus on the sex aspect of things, but that's not REALLY what makes someone gay, straight, or bisexual. In fact, it's perfectly possible for someone who is gay to grow old and spend their entire life - from birth till death - a celibate virgin. This man (or woman) would be just as gay as someone whose the biggest man-whore in the world.

    That's because being gay really doesn't have anything to do with sex. Being gay has to do with romantic attraction. It has to do with love. Obviously, when you start to become romantically involved with someone, or fall in love, you're eventually going to have sex. But sex is really just the byproduct of a larger relationship.

    3. In order to technically be gay you need to have exclusive romantic feelings for people of the same sex - since you're a guy, that means romantic attractions exclusively toward men. To be straight, you need to have exclusive romantic feelings for people of the opposite gender - in your case, women. People who are bi-sexual have varying degrees of attraction to both sexes, some bi-sexual people have a large romantic attraction to one gender over the other, whereas some have more 50/50 attraction.

    4. Regardless of whether you're gay, straight, or bisexual - it doesn't change who you are. You are who you are. Period. You're a unique individual with your own personality, not a stereotype.

    5. Whether or not you should tell him... I can't really say yes or no on this. Though, if I were in your shoes, I'd like to spend a bit more time trying to figure out how I feel before revealing it to others. There is nothing magical that he can do to help you figure this out - it's something that you have to figure out on your own. Everyone is a little bit different, but ultimately - gay, straight, or bi - you have to be the one who answers that question. In the meantime, you have a friend who you should cherish.

    It's sometimes easy for us to over analyze things. Don't make something simple into something complicated. In the end, this is about what you're feeling, not him. When you've finally come to terms with what you're feeling, the path forward should look more clear to you, and hopefully you'll be comfortable with the decision you make.
     
  4. Zaio

    Zaio Guest

    Just to note, you should say you intend not to offend people by this.

    I'm not sure if you generally believe or this or are just using it to describe your personality. Gay people do not change because they are gay, the reason some guys (both gay and straight, although sterotypically more common in the gay culture) are feminine is due to pre-natal processes that involve hormones, typically the female sex chemical which causes certain feminine traits to be added to ones personality, however it can also be learned.

    Just remember, a huge majority of gays are not like this, the reason most gays appear feminine is because they stick out and you notice them very easily, the majority of gays are masculine as the rest of men, they surround you every day, you just dont notice them.

    Coming out doesn't change a person other than relieving stess.
     
  5. Farouche

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    My advice from my own experience would be to come out as curious and questioning. I came out as genderqueer and bisexual/questioning to a good friend I had a crush on, hoping he was queer enough to be interested in a genderqueer person. It turns out he's totally straight. We had a good long talk about sexual orientation, which was really helpful to me at the time. Since then he's helped me through the whole coming out process.

    It can be really nice to have someone to talk to face-to-face about being gay.
     
  6. B733

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    Thanks, mate.

    The thing is that I want to come out and have him say the all important 'me too'. WHilst realising the minimal chance that that could happen, if I came out and he's straight, it might make things awkward for us, in future. That's my fear. To an extent, I may feel... embarrassed that I came out to him because he'll no longer see me in the same light.

    For a long time, I've always thought that gays were merely feminine, enjoyed shopping and all and that it couldn't be possible that I'm potentially not-straight.

    ---------- Post added 25th Apr 2012 at 01:22 PM ----------

    I suppose so. I have a gay male friend and he's the epitome of the whole feminine gay thing. But your comment has made me wonder as to how many masculine gays are out there... It's not that people wear a sign, and it's so easy to speculate...