It seems like I've gotten myself stuck in a pickle....and I don't know what to do without feeling liek a mean person. :bang: So I have a friend online who I know is very delicate and lonely, but who I want to distance myself from and not feel weighted down. I feel like I have to keep making empty promises to reassure him, but it's not getting either of us anywhere! :bang: I met him a year or two ago in an online writing forum that I don't use anymore, but we kept in contact and I feel horrible for not wanting to support him as much as he needs--I let him a while ago and he took it as an invitation. :eusa_doh: After we exchanged emails, not too long after, he confessed to me so I tried as graciously as I could to explain to him that I'm a lesbian. He was kinda sulky after that, but then he got a little "too" comfortable again, conversations consisting mostly of how lonely he is, how much he missed me if I don't talk to him for a day or two, and how if I was straight we would be perfect for each other. Eventually I told him (graciously) to stop, that he made me uncomfortable, and he stopped for a while to sulk. I feel like that's all our conversations ever are--work is the same, he misses me, he wishes he were here in the US or I was over there in the UK, and he's feeling very alone. And no matter how much I try to convince him to be more confident and actually try to meet new people who he can become friends with or possibly date, he rejects everything I suggest and is just pessimistic about everything, latching onto me. And now since I agreed to chat over the phone every once in a while after the first call a few weeks ago, he keeps asking when I can chat again!:eusa_doh: I told him when I'm not so busy and now it just feels like I'm running away, making more and more excuses. I'm terrified that eventually he'll call me on it, making me feel even more rotten! I feel incredibly weighted down by this reluctant friendship, but I also don't want to abandon someone in need who just wants someone to lean on. I really, really don't want to be the one soley responsible for his happiness, but I don't have a clue how to handle a situation like this!! Help!!
Hey Noir. Okay let's be honest here. You're a wonderful person for wanting to be there for him, but you deserve the right to not feel weighed down by the friendship. He's lonely and needy. Do you really think you're helping - as in - has he gotten better? Your first goal should be to encourage him to get out of whatever rut he is currently in... why is he so lonely? What is he doing about it to CHANGE it? Is there anything he can do about it? If there is something he can do about it, your goal should be to begin pushing him to make the changes necessary to be happy. This has the nice side benefit of changing the dynamic of the relationship you have with him, and perhaps - ideally - the friendship could become more mutually beneficial once again. Second, you need to focus on your needs and what makes you happy. It's not your responsibility to be his therapist. This is especially true if he is making you uncomfortable. You should try and put some distance between the both of you. Determine whether you want to try and help him, create some breathing space, or cut ties all together. Make your decision then stick with it.
I think you have to be open and honest with him, tell him that you feel like your conversations are always the same. Explain to him that you dont mind chatting to him and being there for him but he has to help himself at the same time, you are not a proffessionally trained counsellor.
I think you've done all you can do. This isn't a friendship, it's an obligation on your part. He isn't leaning on you - he's hanging off of you. And YOU aren't responsible for anyone's happiness other than your own. HE is responsible for his own happiness. There are some people who refuse to seek help or to follow the advice that they're given. There's only so much you can do from across the Atlantic Ocean, and that he needs to start taking some steps on his own. If he isn't willing to do anyting, then you should make it clear that you're NOT willing to carry on talking to him.
I've still got the problem--I've been really awful about the situation by putting it off, and I can't get away from that fact. But he's as persistent as ever even though I've been neglecting him so much!!!! Why doesn't he just give up since there's so little I can do for him?? I know it's my fault, but I'm scared to take initiative because he's so sensitive he won't understand what it is he's been doing wrong, thinking he's just been trying to stay in contact with me as friends! Plus, his birthday is coming up....yesterday we got into a conversation about that and he thought at first that it was me who forgot his birthday last year, but then remembered it was someone else. I even made a passing joke after he said I would need to free up a lot of time since I'm always so busy, so kidding I said I would need a week if I was gonna hop on a plane and party with him myself (after he shot down my suggestion to find someone else over there to celebrate with, just inviting someone out like friends or family.) He replied, "You'd want to party with me, how kinky " and it made my skin crawl!!!! It made me feel guilty, and now I can't even focus on what it is that I need to do! Does anyone have any suggestions to the first step I should do??????
This guy sounds like a creep and a predator who has no respect for you, your personal boundaries, or your feelings. This isn't a friend, it's a parasite. Word! Honestly, I'd cut off communication with this guy. You don't owe him anything.
Please, please, please give me feedback on this response I came up with, someone???? "I can’t beat around the bush with this, ***, and there’s no way around it. You’ve been making me feel very uncomfortable and uneasy with suggestive comments and being overly clingy when I’ve told you before that I’m only into girls and it doesn’t make me feel flattered. I'm sorry if I made you think otherwise, but it only puts more pressure on me because I can't return your feelings. I can’t help you anymore—I’ve tried to give you encouragement and advice and support and you just refuse to try. I can’t help you if you won’t help yourself, you know? If you refuse to accept anyone in your life and won’t make the effort to reach out to people, it’s not very likely that someone will just fall out of the blue to make it all better. You’ve gotta try, and I can’t help you. I’ve already got enough to handle over here with my own life, I can’t support you all by myself. If you have time to mope , then you have time to improve yourself." (perfect song to go with it: Lily Allen - Never Gonna Happen (Official Music Video) - YouTube) :rolle:
Looks all right to me. Make sure you follow it up by breaking off contact, so he knows you mean what you say. Hopefully he'll realize that he needs friends in real life.
I was actually in a situation somewhat simular to this. Luckily my friend wasn't clingy but the friendship was so one-sided that it just made me feel used. Always complaining about how many people she had crushes on or not being happy with her life. What gets me is that I was the lonely social recluse between us. After realizing that I just really didn't want to continue that way I just started gradually distancing myself. In a way it kind of makes me feel like a jerk. But at the same time there's so much less stress trying to deal with all my own problems without having to help with her's as well.
Hey buddy, I think what you wrote up sounds good. He is not being respectful of your orientation for one, and two he is relying on you way too much. It shouldn't have to be your responsibility to take care of him. It's too much pressure and weight on your back. Are you going to send this to him? If he keeps badgering you and won't back off, you might want to cut off contact with him completely. He's making you feel bad and uncomfy so that's not good. You deserve to be respected. You've been very nice to him but there's only so much a person can do before it becomes too much. Your letter above is politely assertive which is good. Again, you could add that it has become too much and you need to cut off contact since he is being so creepy and disrespectful. Also, I love that song.
He kinda sounds like he might be a little sympathy crazy and he wants you at his beck and call I would suggest don't talk to him if he keeps it up just don't answer your phone when his name pops up maybe he'll get the message and stop talking to you if u feel uneasy talking to him than don't you don't need to feel like u have an obligation to him he could be dangerous be careful
Thank you, everyone. For now I'm trying no contact and it seems to be working so far, but if things escalate later on then I'll send the message. For now I think it's better to leave him alone and not egg him on in any way, shape, or form.
