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Dating ex-boyfriends

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by socalguitarguy, Apr 24, 2012.

  1. socalguitarguy

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    Hey all,
    I'm brand new to the world of gay dating. Lately I've found myself in an interesting situation. Basically, I met a guy on a dating website and met up with him one night after work. Then we had dinner the next week, and later on set up a hike to go on for the following weekend. A couple days before the hike I went out with another guy from the website for the first time. This second guy and I got along real well, and chatted a little bit about our experiences on the website. At one point the guy (let's call him Guy # 2) talked about a previous relationship he had had via the website that didn't last. He had some unflattering things to say about the guy he had been seeing. Then he named him . . . it was the other guy I'd been going out with (aka Guy # 1)!

    I went on the hike with Guy # 1 a couple days later and had a good time, but at this point I'm not really feeling interested in a relationship with him. I meant to give him the "friend talk" at the end of the hike, since a "where is this going" evaluation seems to be a fairly good idea for a third date. However, I wussed out, so I need to call him, probably tomorrow. I'd like to stay friends with him though. Meanwhile Guy # 2 has asked me out to dinner, and I said yes. I haven't told either of them that I've been seeing the other, and feel a little weird having that secret. I want to give Guy # 2 more of a chance but at this point I'm not really seeing a relationship with him in the future either. We get along well though, so it'd be cool to have him as a friend too.

    Hence my dilemma: should I even try to be friends with both of them if they're ex-boyfriends? Should I tell them about each other, or would that just put me in the middle of an awkward situation? I hate keeping secrets, and now that I'm telling close family and friends that I'm dating guys I don't really want to be having new secrets. My cousin suggested I decide which one I want to remain friends with and cut the other loose. I don't know.

    Any thoughts? Thanks!
     
  2. castle walls

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    If I was in your situation, I'd try to remain friends with both of them and tell them about each other. That may put you in an awkward situation but if it wasn't too much of a messy break up and they're both mature about it, I don't see the issue. It's not like you're asking them to hang out together again right?
     
  3. socalguitarguy

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    That sounds sensible. I don't think it was all that messy of a break-up since it doesn't sound like they were super serious. It's mainly that Guy # 2 was a bit . . . critical of Guy # 1. I don't want to be put in a "he said, he said" position, haha! I guess I can just plead the 5th if I get asked what the other guy said.
     
  4. castle walls

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    Not getting involved in any drama sounds like a great idea. Maybe you could just explain to the critical guy (or both) that you have no intention or desire to be put in the middle. If things get difficult you could always say "I want to be friends with both of you and I don't want to get into your guys' relationship. Thats between you two."

    Or you could leave that part out. I wouldn't make a big deal out of the fact that they're exes. If you don't make a big deal about it, chances are that they won't either
     
  5. socalguitarguy

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    Well, I had dinner with Guy # 2 tonight, the one who was really critical about his ex. At one point I mentioned what my dad did for work, which is also Guy # 1's job, so that caused Guy # 2 to bring him up again. At that point I decided to come clean about already knowing his ex, and having gone on some dates with him. Long story short, that lead to most of our dinner conversation being about how weird/clingy/obsessive his ex was. So now I'm kind of put off by both of them, at least as far as a relationship, haha. I also don't really see how I could be friends with both. Guy # 2 even suggested I not mention him to the other guy.

    I guess my next move is to have the "friend talk" with the first guy. I meant to do it the last time I saw him but I didn't have the guts (it's my first time being the rejector rather than the rejectee, haha). Note that this isn't just about what his ex said about him. I wasn't really feeling it as far as a possible relationship.

    Wow dating is complicated sometimes.