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in a relationship, it's complicated, how to go slow

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Deaf Not Blind, Apr 25, 2012.

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  1. Deaf Not Blind

    Deaf Not Blind Guest

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    hey,

    so...the person i had mentioned i came out to, same birth gender, but they are only a little bi more gay, um...

    we have been really talking a lot, and even though they live in California, um...
    we are seriously shocked how much we like each other.

    um, so we are trying to calm down, look at all long and short term options, if this is meant to be or not. we want to be friends anyways.

    we have masturbated thinking of each other, and discussed openly about our sexual thoughts. but there is so much more to discuss, and when i do say my dreams, they like it, and i really like how they talk, this is so perfect.

    so because i told them today i love them, they said they were scared or they would have said it too, and we both admitted we care about each other, more than sex, we want each other to be happy with the right person not make a mistake.

    bad thing of this: they can't concentrate at work, keep checking fb for if i am online. :slight_smile: and i can't do my homework and study for tests and i must pass! they have had several people to have relationships, i have not allowed myself to feel until now.

    they are trying to understand my gender identity thing, and do see me as my inner gender, but sometimes accidentally slips up and compares me to others of my birth gender . it is because they are not used to it, and not usually wanting to be with opposite sex, so it is confusing for us both. but in a good way.

    no matter what, i am happy i have this opportunity to learn about flirting, talking dirty, and finding out what a relationship can be like. i feel lucky.

    i do want advise what to do about not losing them, but getting focus on my schoolwork and not thinking about being fucked. um...

    help?
     
    #1 Deaf Not Blind, Apr 25, 2012
  2. Aldrick

    Aldrick
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    Heh, I remember the first time I started flirting with guys and all that stuff. I felt just like you did. In fact, I was in a similar situation, except he was in another country.

    The best advice I can give?

    Don't focus too much on the future. Take things a day at a time. Learn to enjoy what you're having, so that no matter what happens, you look back with fond and happy memories. Right now things are exciting! They're new! It feels amazing!

    What you're going through right now, that's what it's like at the start of a new relationship in which people REALLY like each other. It's an amazing feeling. You want to spend every waking minute with the person, you constantly think about them, but all this eventually settles down.

    Just take things a day at a time. Enjoy yourself. Be happy.

    When things start to settle down emotionally, you'll be able to think more clearly about your future. It's best to not make impulsive decisions right now; like for example, dropping out of school and running clear across the country.

    After things cool off a bit, and you're able to think with a clear head, don't approach things from the perspective of: "How do I not lose them?" That's the wrong way to view things. I mean, it implies some sort of control over them, and we can't control other people. We can only control ourselves. So, instead you should ask: "What can I do to make this work?"

    The second way of approaching the same problem is different, because it looks at what actions YOU can take to make the necessary changes in YOUR life to make the relationship work.

    You have plenty of time to plan out your future together. It's not like the world is ending next week or next month. The future looks bright and good. Enjoy what you have now, and don't overly complicate things unnecessarily. It's alright to talk about the future, but it's also alright to want to take things slowly and then gradually make plans, compromises, and sacrifices down the road to make the relationship work.

    I just learned that one of the keys for me being happy is to focus on what I do have, and not to focus on what I don't have.

    Anyway, congratulations! I'm happy for you. Just enjoy yourself. (*hug*)
     
    #2 Aldrick, Apr 25, 2012
  3. Deaf Not Blind

    Deaf Not Blind Guest

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    wow! u know me!
    every word u said, down to a T.
    thanks for this.

    It is good to know what i am experiencing is normal, and will naturally, eventually calm down. i wish it would TODAY, i got tests in school! argh!
    i kept myself from having this before, it is such an amazing feeling. i love how it feels to be in a relationship! thats why everyone is dating, duh. i just can't believe i found them through a friend by chance.

    yeah, they had asked if i could go to a university down there. i told them, sorry, i know it could mess us up to be apart so long, but i got to go to DC for 3 years, i want to learn there. they understand. i am thinking how we can meet up face to face. our mutual friend does not know about us, or that i would ever like that person, but may be driving to CA to visit, so i may tag along.

    God help me. i got someone who loves me.
     
    #3 Deaf Not Blind, Apr 25, 2012
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