Coming out at work

This is a little tricky. You are in a state that does not have any workplace protections for gays. If you lived in another state like MA you could basically talk to you manager and tell her that you don't appreciate anti- gay remarks. She would not be able to take any actions against you because it would be against the law.

You said that you get along well with her, maybe you can just say there is nothing wrong with a same sex couple having kids along as there provide a loving home and leave it like that. I want to give you advice but I don't want to tell you to do something if you feel your job could be in jeopardy. What ever you decide let us know what happens.

 

Yes - it's hard to say. You've only invested 3 months at this place, so it might make sense to lay this out on the table and see how it goes. Because if you've already feeling uncomfortable, what will you feel like in another 3 months? Or in a year from now?

So it really depends. If you think you'll be fired (or harassed into quitting) and you really need this job to make ends meet right now then don't tell her. But if you think you'd like to stay only if you can really be yourself and feel safe and valued there (which is what I think everyone wants at work) then maybe you should be meeting with your manager to tell her that her comments were hurtful because you yourself are gay. I'd like to think that she'd reconsider her position on the subject and apologize for offending you. But I'm not sure that's what would happen...

 

Personally, I'd start with just very mildly opposing such remarks. Quite often, i find that people say such things because they expect it's the majority opinion, not because they hold them so deeply.

Maybe you could make a quip: "Well, my parents were in a straight marriage, and i must say i was STILL quite traumatised to find out how babies were made :icon_wink"
Or you could just claim you know a gay guy who manages just fine, or someone who grew up with gay parents.

If she relents immediately, then that's a good sign she isn't really homophobic deep-down.
Or that's how it goes with some of my colleagues. If I detect homophobic remarks, I gently go against them, and usually find that they immediately admit they might be jumping to conclusions.

If those signs are good, then it might be possible to come out to her just fine. When coming out, I would personally shy away from stressing how hurt you were by previous comments. You can bring that up after the coming out, once it becomes a normal conversation topic. But I'm generally against mixing a coming-out with an accusation.


If she turns out to be really adamant in her refusal of gay people... then I'd really consider trying to keep your wor and private life as separate as possible, and possibly looking out for a job with more accepting colleagues if you find remarks such as those unbearable.

 

the reality is that you're in the minority. you just started working here. sure you can get all Equal Opportunity on them and that will only put you in a situation where you are informally isolated by the powers that be. sounds like a laxed environment and there are no rules so you can take a more formal approach but that's not really going to help your cause.

you can avoid her remarks and try keep her on track in the future by changing the subject or you can sublty challenge her in a way that lets her know you do not share her opinion.

i do not think there is any work environment where some manager or employee did not say something exrteemely inapprorpriate, gay or race or sexist related. the sad thing is is you have to try and deal with it the best way you can becuase if you go to teh next job there will be another jerk there too saying the same thing. so what are you going to do, file a lawsuit everywhere you go?

 

I'm going to disagree with you on this. I'd say that there are many work environments that are working very hard to be totally inclusive. IBM is a multinational corporatation who has an LGBT ERG (employee resource group) in most regions of the world, and in the US and Canada they are VERY focussed on diversity and inclusiveness. And many, many other organizations are on the same path.

This isn't to say that there aren't going to be managers at IBM or other organization who are insensitive or uneducated. There will be. And perhaps that's what you meant. But there are many companies who, as a matter of their formal policy, do not allow discrimination based on sexual orientation and they have the diversity training, corporate communications, and employee resource groups to back that up.

So if you're not happy at the company that you're working for, there are possibly other (better) options. In my 18 years of working full time I have never had a manager who was homophobic, sexist or racist.

 

you can disagree if you like. what i was saying was that no matter what programs, diversity inititiaves or whatever the company has in place to protect gays and minorities, there's always some jerk that individually has an issue with women, minorities, disabled or gays and makes comments. doesn't have to be a manager, could be a co-worker. so the company can win awards for how "inclusive" they are, but in the real world buddy, you're going to have to deal with people that individually and personally do not share the same "inclusive" feelings and behavior as the company.

 

Congrats! Glad I read all the posts before I started typing thoughts. Good for you.

 

Many companies have anti-harassment policies, so that such a jerk would face disciplinary action, "up to and including termination." They may have whatever feelings they have, but if they make the work environment hostile for another employee, they can face very serious repercussions.

 

I'm thrilled to hear that! Way to go! NOW you can go to work with your head held high, knowing that you have the support of your manager who KNOWS that you're gay. That's awesome!

 

Well done!

I've actually come out to a couple of people at work today myself. I hadn't really planned on it happening today but someone I asked if I had/wanted a girlfriend so I thought it was the right time to come out to them.

 

That is totally awesome!!!!! Goes to show you you never know how people will react.....personally, i'm out to about 100 people now and only one bad reaction. Unfortunately it was my best friend. Congratulations!

 

That is awesome. This shows you that you never know how people will react. Well done!

 

Congrats!

That's amazing. I'm glad you had the courage to do that. I don't think I ever could.

 

omg. totally awesome dude! congrats.