Hey all, New guy here - bit of a long story. I started transitioning from female to male about two years back. Now I live stealth as a guy, and I'm perfectly comfortable in that respect. It was far easier than I had a right to expect, and usually causes me no real issues. Enter the clusterfuck of sexuality. I'm into guys; always have been. Tried to ignore it, but sleeping with girls made me physically sick. Just can't do it. Issue is, I have absolutely no idea how to do this. Far more than transitioning, the thought of being gay scares the hell out of me. A couple of months back, an acquaintance had a fundraiser at what turned out to be a gay club. I ended up getting a fair amount of attention. Usually I'm kind of standoffish, but the vibe was good that night - place was packed, pulsing bass, body shots on tables at the back, whole nine yards. At some point a guy comes up, starts making moves, and runs a hand down my shirt and asks if I'm gay. I said "Sometimes", make some excuse, and got the hell out. Thing is, the issue wasn't sexuality. I spent the better part of that night just watching, because for probably the first time ever, I was seeing something I actually liked. The issue was how the hell do you tell a guy who's hitting on you that you're different, physically? Either way, since then it's like a part of me has woken up. Admitting that I knew what I wanted seems to have broken down some mental walls, and I don't know whether I'm more pissed off or scared; I know what I want, from all indications it's something I could get, but I can't get past the fear of going for it. I get that transmen just generally aren't that popular on the gay scene, fair enough, but I'm stuck here, and I want to get past this. Long rant, sorry. Any advice or experience anyone is willing to share would be highly appreciated.
Hi there and welcome to EC. I can't share any similar experiences. However it would appear that you're at least going into this with the right attitude. i.e. you're taking as a given the fact that you are where you are. Accepting our situtation is half the battle sometimes. We were all scared when we came to the realization that we were gay. That I think we can all relate to. My situation was 'special' because I was married at the time with 2 kids. Other people have fundamentalist Christians as parents. In your case you're transitioning from female to male. That will prove to be a challenge perhaps, but perhaps it won't. I firmly believed that if I was in my situation, then there had to be other people in my situation as well, and sure enough there were. I'm sure it won't be long before there are other transgendered people who will chime in on this thread. Until then, welcome to EC. I hope you find the forum helpful.
Hey Silenced. Having never been in your specific situation, it's kinda hard for me to give some really good situational advice. However, having been on the other side of the fence... When I was younger I used to believe that I could never be with a transman. I felt guilty about it, like I was some type of bigot, but my fear was that every time I was with him I'd see him as a woman. Then one day I happened to be watching TV. It was some TV documentary thing; I had just stumbled upon it. There was this insanely hot guy working out in the gym. They were showing him work out, and I was instantly attracted to him. He had gorgeous eyes, a good looking smile, he was buff, and had nice skin. Then the narrator revealed, as they tend to do - saying something like, "There is just one thing about Bobby (or whatever his name was), that you might not guess.... Bobby used to be... Barbra." *GASP!* I felt so lightheaded when I found out. I was confused. "How did this happen?! How could I feel this way?! What's wrong with me?!" Were all some of the questions that were racing through my mind. But I listened to him talk. I watched him. My opinion about him didn't change. I still found him insanely hot and attractive. I was still attracted to him even after finding out. Even after finding out that he hadn't had gender reassignment surgery and had no intention of having it. That didn't even bother me. I realized that I was seeing him as a man. I was relating to him as a man. I couldn't picture him - even if I tried - as a woman. In fact, the more I watched the more I realized that I was starting to get jealous. He was more attractive than me, more masculine than me, and something that really bothers me about myself - my voice not being as deep as I'd like - his voice was deeper than mine. I actually felt slightly sulky that he was more "manly" than me. Since that time, I've seen other transmen. Some I've found attractive and could imagine dating. Some, like with any other guy, not so much. But at the end of the day, I didn't identify any of them as female. They didn't *FEEL* that way to me. The worry I had was misplaced and false. I forget who said it, but it rang true to me. "Gender is not about what's in your pants. It's about what's in your heart and in your head." I definitely feel that is true. Having never walked in your shoes, it's hard for me to give specific advice. Although, I would say that it is important to be upfront early. It's not something you should really keep to yourself, because eventually they're going to find out the truth. And the last thing you want - just for you - is to not develop feelings for a guy, only to have him reject you. I can't imagine anything worse than getting hurt like that. However, I'm not going to lie or sugar coat it for you. There will be some people who have a problem with it. You know this already. My point in sharing my story with you, is to say that while there are some guys who might have a problem with it - there are also a lot of guys out there who won't. And one day, you're going to find someone whose going to love you for who you are, both in the past and in the present. You can have it all. You just have to be willing to put yourself out there and get your heart stomped on a few times. This is true for everyone - gay, straight, bi, and trans. Happiness and love don't fall from the sky and land in your lap. It might for a lucky handful of people, but if you want happiness and love you're going to have to actually seek it out. Ironically, discovering this helped me overcome some other prejudices that I had. When I was younger, I was also certain that I could never be attracted to a more effeminate gay man - you know - "the stereotype." Strangely enough, realizing that it was possible for me to be attracted to transmen, helped me overcome some of the internalized homophobia and gender bias that I held. I was able to find effeminate men attractive, and even consider dating them - whereas before, I couldn't have ever imagining that happening. Ever. There is someone out there for you, Silenced. You just have to be willing to take the risk and look.
Hey guys, Thank you both. It's not an impossible situation, just one I need to figure how to get past. I'm sure there are others in the same state; part of why I came here looking. Just a question of want being stronger than fear, uh. Thanks for the welcome, Jim - it must have taken a hell of a lot of guts to change things around in those circumstances. As you said, any set of circumstances can be negotiated. Good to know it's not just me though. Aldrick, I guess that's part of the concern for trans people of any sexual orientation; whether we're perceived to be different, and not just at a physical level. The one advantage to being stealth before trying to figure out the sexuality mess is that I know other guys perceive me as pretty much normal - they can't tell, at least so far as I'm aware. That said, it's damn good to hear that at least some of you guys feel that way, so thanks. As for being upfront, always a good idea, but it's a question of risks as well - very early on in transitioning, a guy decked me in the face and just about broke my nose. Didn't worry me too much, but it did reinforce that not everyone's as alright with this as you guys seem to be. But, with that factored in, you're clearly right about the needing to be daring to get anywhere part. Going to be a process of, as you say, finding the guys who don't have an issue with it. Guess I've got some things to think about. Thanks guys.
