"Being out" without it being out of control.

I understand what you're feeling a bit. To me it's not internalized homophobia. Why? Because you know you're gay and you're not fighting it. I think I can agree with you even though I'm bisexual. It's like a famous person. They want to be judged for them and not their title. Sorry, not my best description but it seems like the easiest way to explain it. You want people to like or dislike you based on your personality and morales. Not your sexual orientation. That's completely understandable. The world we live in today is highly judgemental anda little self control from other who are quick to turn their back is not too much too ask for.

As for you're mom... sometimes one of the few people who know I'm bi make a joke. Every once in awhile it stings. For the most part it doesn't because I know for a fact they're okay with it. I think your mom's trying. I mean, you didn't feel like she was attacking you with the picture did you? Maybe the joke was too much too soon. Don't forget she may be as awkward about it as you are. Not in a bad way just uncertain.

Have you tried telling you're friend to lay off with outing you? Maybe you can let him read this or something similar. Say it in a way he'd understand. Be strong when you tell him and don't give up trying. You are not a gay you. You are just you. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

Hey, FJ Cruiser.

I can understand how you'd feel that things are moving too fast.

What you need to do is sit Sam down and just be honest with him. Tell him that you're starting to feel uncomfortable with how many people are finding out. He may or may not understand, considering that it kinda goes against his personality. The reality is, whether or not he understands, the cat is out of the bag now. So many people know, it's hard to go back.

I think both Sam and your mother are acting in the best way they know how to show that they support you. Sam is telling people and treating you as he likely would any of his straight friends. Every time he tells someone he's also implicitly saying, "This is my friend, he's gay, and I'm totally cool with it."

Your mother's intention, I think, wasn't to cause you pain with the picture, but to show you in a lighthearted way that she's okay with it. She's trying to reach out, and broach the topic as best she is able.

I think part of coming to acceptance of being gay, is ultimately being comfortable with who you are to the point where the opinions of others doesn't impact you. I understand what you're feeling.

Do you have internalized homophobia? Let's answer that question. Imagine you're at a party with some friends. You have a boyfriend. He's with you and your friends at the party. The party is mostly straight people, and you and your boyfriend are - as far as you know - the only gay people there. You both go over to the bar, you encounter another guy at the party, he reaches out and shakes your boyfriends hand. He says something like, "Hi, my name is Dan." We'll pretend that it's a birthday party for someone, so he says how he knows your friend. Obviously, you have to introduce yourselves, and so your boyfriend says, "Hey Dan. My name is Jake (or whatever), and this is my boyfriend FJ Cruiser."

How would you feel about that? Would you feel uncomfortable having your boyfriend introduce you to a complete stranger as his boyfriend? Assuming, of course, you're both in a serious relationship and have been for awhile.

How would you feel if someone at the party decided to give a toast, and it was to you and "your incredibly handsome boyfriend." How would you feel about this being known to everyone at the party?

Assuming that you might have a problem with it, the next question you'd have to ask yourself is: why do you feel the need to hide it? That will answer your question about any internalized homophobia, I think.

 

I feel like with people like your friend who are very forward personalities, there's not much you can do subtly to change their mind. Things like this, where he thinks he isn't doing anything wrong (presumably), he isn't monitoring what he's doing or looking for confirmation that it isn't an issue; he just thinks it's fine and sees no harm in it. So, be as forward as he is and talk to him. Unless you spell it out for him that it's a problem, I doubt anything will change. And well, if he is a considerate friend, he'll probably watch what he says for your sake.

As for your mom, like you said, I'm sure she had good intentions when she sent it. If things were less than great like you implied when you first told your parents, maybe this is her indicating she's finally coming around. Let me analogize for a second: a good friend of mine is blonde and British. As such, because I know she's pretty laid back, whenever I hear or think of something funny pertaining to either of those things, she's usually the first person I tell (or, I say it in her company to others). Why? Because telling a blonde or British joke just wouldn't be as funny if I was telling it to an Asian or something. Is part of her "identity" for me the blonde, British girl? Sure, but given that I know her as more than a stranger, I know that there's so much more to her personality. On this train of thought, your mom probably felt it was most appropriate to send it to you (rather than your dad, or a sibling or something) because you ARE gay. It's not the only facet of your personality, but again, the joke would be more wasted on someone who wasn't gay, particularly since you seem laid back enough to be able to laugh at yourself. Additionally, I think if she sent it to anyone else in your immediate family, it might have come off like she was making fun of you behind your back.

I wouldn't take either of their actions to heart; honestly, it seems like they, while both well-intentioned, are just trying to "help" you, but going about it the wrong way. Like I put before though, if it bothers you, you just have to buck up and let them know. If you get across the point that it's a legitimate concern, you should only have to say it once for it to stick.

And no, I wouldn't necessarily call it internalized homophobia. Going from having nobody know your "deepest, darkest secret" to having more people than you can count know is unsettling to say the least. It's more likely just an issue of "you aren't quite comfortable with it publicly" yet. Particularly if you don't identify completely with the "gay" label either.

 

I do understand where you are coming from because I was the exact same way when I started coming out. I didn't understand why people would come out, I didn't understand the need to tell people and I only wanted it to be something that only a selected few would get.

The thing is tho, that by trying so hard to not let the "gay thing" control you....you are in essence letting it control you. You are telling your family and friends "hey, I'm gay and its no big deal. I'm still the same person and it doesn't define me.....just don't tell anyone else because they might think something wrong". I'm not saying that is wrong or anything like that, but you do have to be aware that you are sending miss signals to the people that you are coming out to. In order for them to keep it under wraps you are going to have to give them a little more guidance than what it usually takes.

As for your friend, he obviously doesn't care that you are gay and doesn't see it as a big deal. Its so insignificant that he doesn't think twice about telling someone you are gay. Why would he? Its something you told him that you didn't mind anyone else knowing. So now you have to sit him down again, explain to him how it makes you feel uncomfortable and that you only want certain people to know about it. Only people that YOU choose to tell.

As for your mom, yes she is treating you as her gay son because...you are her gay son. She can't treat you exactly the same like when you were still in the closet. Now she can send you little jokes about certain topics that she couldn't, she can talk about guys with you (some people like that) and she can talk to you about the boy you might like. It doesn't take anything away from you. It just changes certain topics a bit. And same thing goes with anything. You are her son that goes to college, which means she can send you certain jokes and talk to you about certain things that she couldn't talk about if you weren't in college. It doesn't mean that to her you are only her son that goes to college, but it is a facet of your life that she wants to be a part of.

I am sorry that you are feeling out of control though. One of the worst feelings ever. I will say that the best way to get a hold of it is to just not care who knows or who doesn't know. That way you are able to stop worrying about who tells who, stop worrying about talking with gender neutral pronouns and worrying about what they might think once you tell them. I know it isn't for everyone, but it is something to think about

I hope you feel better

 

It's not unreasonable at all to expect people to treat you the same way regardless of your sexual orientation, because being gay pretty much only affects who it is we fall in love with or are attracted to. This has little to do with internalized homophobia, and nearly everything to do with personality. Some people would not hesitate to shout it from the mountaintops and let it color every facet of their lives, while others would prefer to be treated in exactly the same way as they had been before. Neither approach is wrong, of course.

What they are doing is understandable and well-intentioned, but if it's making you uncomfortable, you have to say so. You need to tell your friend that you are not comfortable with him telling others, and that you'd rather tell people on your own initiative. You need to tell both your mother and your friend that you didn't change when you came out to them--that you're still the same person they knew before--and that you'd prefer to be treated this way.

 

FJ, just follow your heart, and do what is comfortable for you. Your process of coming out should go the way you want it to, so have it your way. It sounds like you're gonna have to talk with some people about your personal boundaries, just like any other personal boundary. If they can't respect your wishes or treat you with decency in public then you have to seriously discuss the issues with them.
I know what you're going through, I kind of have the same problem. At times I feel a little uneasy about random people already knowing I'm gay. I'd prefer to be the one to say "Oh, no, I don't have a girlfriend, I'm gay." But at other times I wish someone had already said something to a new person about me being gay. I guess I'm not 100% comfortable just yet. I'm okay with anyone knowing but still struggling with how they know it. It's getting easier; more and more I feel relieved when I discover someone knows I'm gay, rather than worried.
All in all I'd prefer that people know rather than create confusion, so I suppose how they end up knowing isn't as important as simply knowing, as long as I'm not introduced (like you mention) as "My gay friend, Texacali." As with you, it was important to me (and I said so to family members I came out to) that I'm still me, not the "gay me." Because other than the gender of who I want to be with, I'm still the same guy as before I came out. Although my friends say I seem happier...:icon_bigg

 

There is nothing wrong with being introverted, being a private person, and not wanting to let people know that you're gay within the first five minutes. The ideal is that you'll feel comfortable when you come out to people.

But let's be honest and blunt. No matter how nice you are, no matter how great your personality is, there are always - always - going to be those who will stereotype you. The moment they know you're gay - you've changed to them. Everything else that comes before won't matter. The ugly truth is that there are bigots in the world, and unfortunately you're likely to run into some of them.

I'm not even talking about bigots prone to violence. I'm not even talking about the bigots who will reject you outright. I'm talking about the people who; when they find out, make you feel like shit.

If you think that by hiding it that you can "bypass any trouble, any stereotypes, and awkwardness" - then you're wrong. Imagine that you've been friends with someone for about a month. You decide, finally, to come out to them. They seem to take it well, but the next day they tell you something like this...

"I've been thinking about what you told me the other day. I just want you to know that I still love you, but I cannot accept your sinful lifestyle. I prayed about it last night, and I believe that the best thing for you to do is to go back to Church. You need to turn back to God, because with his help you can be healed. You don't have to decide anything right now. However, I just want you to know that while I still consider you a friend, I cannot accept your deviant lifestyle. I'll be praying for you."

Or how about this...

"Look, I don't care what you do in the bedroom. Just don't rub my face in it. I don't want to hear about all that gay shit."

Do you really think it matters to the above individuals that you're a nice person? Let's assume that you never bring it up again, and neither do they. You effectively go into the closet on their behalf. How would that make you feel? Would you ever view them the same again?

Even if you decide to cut these people from your life; you've developed a friendship with them. You've been rejected; it's still going to hurt.

I hope this doesn't come across as mean, because that's not my intention. I just don't want you to put yourself in a situation in which you're likely to get hurt.

The truth is that there are going to be people who see you for who you are; not just as a gay person. They're not going to stereotype you. While being gay might be a big deal to others, TO THEM; it's no different than if you were left-handed.

It won't be the same for others, but for those who have a problem with it, you have to seriously ask if you want them in your life to begin with... is it healthy? Will it make you happy?

It's one thing if it's your family; you don't get to pick and choose your family, but you do get to pick and choose your friends.

I wish I could tell you that by becoming friends with someone who is uncomfortable with gay people, and then revealing to them that you're gay after they get to know you will suddenly transform them. It won't. Yes, people do change. It happens all the time. But it is almost always a gradual thing, and they have to want to change. They need to want to understand and to accept you.

I don't want to sound preachy, or sound like I'm telling you what to do. You know what is best for you, and this is your decision. I just don't want to see you end up in a situation where you get hurt.

I hope I didn't come off sounding harsh. I wish you well, FJ Cruiser. (*hug*)

 

Coming out is a highly personal matter, and your friend -while he had good intentions - overstepped his bounds by doing it for you. Kindly tell him that you appreciate his friendship and tolerance, but that it's not his right to out you to everyone he meets.

As for anyone that has a problem with your orientation? SCREW THEM. Life's too short to deal with bigoted twatwaffles. Cherish the true friends you have and be yourself! 8^)