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Old 26th Apr 2012, 11:08 PM   #1
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Messed around with straight friend

Last weekend my straight friend and I decided to invite some people over and have a cookout at his house. Everything went great at first, and we all were having a good time. Eventually everyone left except for me, him, and his girlfriend. His girlfriend went upstairs to bed, and he and I stayed downstairs and continued drinking. We are both partial to whiskey, and man was it going down easy that night. Before long we found ourselves pretty hammered.

At one point I remember coming into the room and finding him lying on his back on the floor with his eyes closed. I got down on the floor beside him, started shaking him, telling him to wake up, and giving him a hard time about passing out on the floor. He opened his eyes, sat up, looked around the room, and then stared at me for about 10 seconds. Thatís when it happened. He pulled down his pants and exposed his already aroused member.

I donít remember if any words were exchanged, but it was definitely on from that point. We only fooled around Ė mainly oral with him being the receiver. He tried to go for more, but he was too drunk to find any lube. Finally we passed out on a blanket on the floor.

When I woke up early the next morning, he had already gone upstairs, but every piece of his clothing was still strewn out all over the floor. I instantly experienced both thrill and panic. I realized that he mustíve gone upstairs to get in bed with his girlfriend while still completely naked from our encounter! I quickly got dressed and started to straighten the room up. I folded his clothes and left them on a chair. Then I got the hell out of there and went home. Later the same day around noon I got a call from him. He said he mustíve blacked out because he didnít remember anything from the night before. His girlfriend told him he had come up to bed completely naked, and he had gotten sick after lying down in bed. He even mentioned finding his clothes folded on the chair downstairs. He asked me if I remembered anything Ė I lied and said ĎNoí.

When that phone call ended, my mind started racing with more and more questions. Itís been almost a week now, and thereís not a day that has gone by in which I havenít thought about that night and all the unanswered questions. Thatís why Iím posting this thread here.

Now that Iíve got the main part of the story out of the way, let me step back for a minute and fill in some background information. (I should mention Iím a nerd who loves bulleted lists.)

ē This guy is one of my best friends (if not my best friend). He was one of the first people I came out to. He has always been very supportive of my lifestyle, and is always there for me to talk to.

ē Iím definitely attracted to this guy, and I guess hooking up with him was always a fantasy of mine. But I tried to keep that fantasy out of my mind as much as possible because I valued his friendship so much. I wanted to see him as a good friend, not as the object of some fantasy. I thought that would only cause problems with the friendship, regardless of whether he knew about the fantasy or not.

ē I donít have any reason to suspect that he is gay or even bi. Like I said earlier, we are really close friends and Iíve never seen anything to suggest that he was anything but straight. Heís been living with his girlfriend for 4 years now, and the three of us hang out regularly. He and I have been alone together while drinking many times before, and Iíve never so much as seen him check me out or try to flirt with me.

Yes, I did enjoy the experience, but it led to so many unanswered questions.

ē Does he remember more than heís letting on?

ē Could he really remain awake and aroused and physically active during all of this, yet forget it all by the time he woke up the next morning? I donít pretend to remember everything (I was pretty drunk myself), but I sure remember enough to know it happened.

ē Could a straight guy get drunk enough to fool around with another guy just because it ďfelt goodĒ, or is it more likely that he has some gay/bi/curious feelings that perhaps heís been repressing?

Iím leaning toward believing his ďblackoutĒ story considering that he didnít even bother to get dressed before going upstairs to bed with his sober girlfriend. He says he doesnít remember anything. Heís either telling the truth, or heís too ashamed/embarrassed to talk about it and hopes I donít remember anything either. I just canít see how talking to him about it could possibly make the situation any better.

Weíve talked on the phone and exchanged text messages a few times over the past few days, but still havenít met face-to-face since this all happened. I do have plans to go hang out with him in a couple of days.

I would love to be romantically (or even just physically) involved with this guy, but our friendship has to come before that. I value our friendship too much to let anything else get in the way. The part of me that is attracted to this guy wants to believe that thereís more to the story than just a drunken encounter that he doesnít even remember. The part of me that values our friendship more than anything is telling me that Iím treading on thin ice, and any wrong move could send the friendship crashing down.

Iím sorry for the length of this post. I hope itís at least halfway comprehensible. For the past 5 days Iíve been alternating between feeling like Iíve fucked up our friendship forever, and feeling thrilled & excited that something I never thought would happen actually happened.

Hereís the part where I plead for your advice. What do you think? Have you experienced anything like this before? Whatís the correct protocol for handling a situation like this?

Any and all responses will be appreciated.

Thanks.
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Old 26th Apr 2012, 11:39 PM   #2
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Re: Messed around with straight friend

I had a similar experience with a 'straight' friend many years ago. We had a few drinks, I slept over his place, and then during the night while we were passed out together he started touching my face and laughing. At first I thought he was just being a goof, but then I moved a little closer. Before I knew it we were making out and it went from there.

However the next morning, when I made note of the fact that we had done something, he claimed to not remember anything. The only thing he recalled is having a great dream about a hot time with a girl. He kept this up for a while, and I dropped it. A couple months later he came to me and asked me if we had done anything that night. I assured him we did, and he once again stated he truly did not know. We are still in one another's circles, however we are not as close as we once were.

So what I am saying is, don't be surprised if this does not go well for you. Also, my 'straight' friend was single. Yours is not. You have to consider that you just enabled him to cheat on his girlfriend. Not a good situation to put yourself in.

I have never been intoxicated enough to not recollect my actions, especially engaging in sex with someone, and I sincerely doubt the honesty of anyone who claims such complete and total memory loss. Your best option is to let it go, chaulk it up to an error and forget it. If he comes to you with a confession and a willingness to leave her and move forward with you, then you will have your answers, and what you want.

If he comes to you wanting more and remains involved with his girlfriend, then you you are simply enabling him to cheat and you two deserve one another.

Last edited by ArcherySet; 26th Apr 2012 at 11:46 PM..
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Old 27th Apr 2012, 12:55 AM   #3
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Re: Messed around with straight friend

I fully agree with ArcherySet on all of this. I really can't say anymore in a better way than he did.
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Old 27th Apr 2012, 01:06 AM   #4
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Re: Messed around with straight friend

Since you like bullet points...
  • I find it hard to believe his story. He might not remember everything, hell, he might only remember bits and pieces, but his concern is likely whether or not you remember anything. My advice to you is to lie like a dog and tell him you remember nothing. Otherwise, you're putting your friendship in danger.

  • Stick to your story no matter what. If he confronts you about it; telling you that he thinks he had sex with you, act shocked. Tell him that you don't even remember him going upstairs. Then tell him that it's best just to forget about it, that it wasn't a big deal, that you both were seriously drunk, and that he probably shouldn't tell his girlfriend.

  • You do not want his girlfriend finding out. Why? Well, just imagine how you'd feel if your boyfriend wanted to hang out with a guy he cheated on you with. Unless she's a super kinky freak and finds it incredibly hot and either wants to watch her boyfriend and you together, or wants to have a threesome, she's not going to want him anywhere near you.

  • However, worst case scenario; he gets a guilty conscience. He confesses what happens between the both of you to his girlfriend. By sticking to the story that you remember nothing, you can cross your fingers and hope that any anger she feels is directed mostly (if not entirely) at her boyfriend and not you.

  • Forget what happened. Put it out of your mind. He was insanely drunk. Even accounting for the fact that he might remember some of what happened, it doesn't mean he's bisexual, secretly gay, or that you're his magical "exception." He was drunk out of his mind. He might not have even realized (or fully acknowledged) that he was fooling around with you.

  • Don't even let yourself entertain the notion of a relationship. For that to even be possible he has to do two things. First, he has to come out to you as either gay or bisexual. Second, he has to leave his girlfriend. For there to be any hope - any hope whatsoever - he has to do both of those things first. The likelihood of him doing even one of those things is next to zero, and if one does happen it is likely that his girlfriend dumps him because he slept with you.

I know that this might sound harsh, maybe even too harsh. But really, I know exactly what you're feeling. I don't know many gay men (myself included) who hasn't developed a crush or had feelings for a straight guy - including straight friends. It happens all too frequently, but there is just one important thing to remember...

They are straight. They are not interested in a romantic relationship with you; if they were they'd come out as bisexual or gay. They have not, therefore there is no hope for a relationship with them. You're only setting yourself up for failure, heartbreak, and the loss of a friend.

The best thing you can do, if you haven't done so already, is to find yourself a boyfriend. Why? Because generally speaking, if you're pining over straight guy friends it's almost always because you're lonely and don't have anyone in your life. You want someone who you can love, and who can love you in return.

Please, please, please don't endanger your friendship over something that just isn't going to happen. You will regret it.
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Old 27th Apr 2012, 07:36 PM   #5
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Re: Messed around with straight friend

I want to thank everyone who has responded so far. I would normally go to a few of my close friends for advice in a situation like this, but unfortunately they all know the guy in questions. There's no way I could ask for their advice without inadvertently exposing what happened that night.

Your responses have been helpful and encouraging, and have given me plenty to think about.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ArcherySet View Post
Also, my 'straight' friend was single. Yours is not. You have to consider that you just enabled him to cheat on his girlfriend. Not a good situation to put yourself in.
I've been so consumed with worrying about this whole ordeal that I neglected to think about the fact that he cheated on his girlfriend with me - whether he remembers or not. I really like his girlfriend. She's kind, friendly, and has always been nice to me. The last thing I would want to do is enable him to cheat on her. Yet, that's exactly what I did. I feel even worse about this whole thing now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aldrick View Post
  • Forget what happened. Put it out of your mind. He was insanely drunk. Even accounting for the fact that he might remember some of what happened, it doesn't mean he's bisexual, secretly gay, or that you're his magical "exception." He was drunk out of his mind. He might not have even realized (or fully acknowledged) that he was fooling around with you.

  • Don't even let yourself entertain the notion of a relationship. For that to even be possible he has to do two things. First, he has to come out to you as either gay or bisexual. Second, he has to leave his girlfriend. For there to be any hope - any hope whatsoever - he has to do both of those things first. The likelihood of him doing even one of those things is next to zero, and if one does happen it is likely that his girlfriend dumps him because he slept with you.
Based on the responses so far (and after re-reading my original post), I feel I should clarify something. When I said "I would love to be romantically (or even physically) involved with this guy", I meant that statement in more of an "in-another-lifetime" sense. In other words, I'm attracted to him and the fantasy exists, but I know there's no chance that we could ever be together.

I might check him out or think of him in a sexual way from time to time, but I even try to keep those thoughts from entering my mind because I don't know how they might subconsciously affect our friendship.

I agree that the best thing to do is to put the whole thing out of my mind and pretend it never happened. The only way I think he would ever bring it up would be to guage my response to determine if I remembered anything.

At this point the deed is done and it's pretty much out of my hands. I'm afraid there will always be an elephant in the room when we're hanging out, but again there's not much I can do at this point. This sucks so bad, and I keep beating myself up over it. I know it's not good to worry over things that are out of your control, but that's easier said than done.

When I see him this weekend I'm going to do my best to act like it's just any other weekend. I'll post back here and let you know how it went.

Thanks again for your responses, and wish me luck.
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Old 27th Apr 2012, 08:28 PM   #6
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Re: Messed around with straight friend

It sounds like you're on the right track. I've seen other gay guys that fell for a straight guy (typically a friend) and wanted to delude themselves into believing that a relationship was possible. I did it once, years ago, and it was a major mistake. It never ends well. Never.

He has to remember or suspect something. How much? Who knows. Stick to your story.

Things may be awkward at first, but eventually time will pass and this will become a distant memory for both of you. The goal here is to avoid minimizing the damage to your friendship.

Smile. Act normal. Forget that it happened.

I know that this is emotional hell. That's another reason to put it out of your mind, and take precautions to make sure it never happens again.
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Old 27th Apr 2012, 08:54 PM   #7
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Re: Messed around with straight friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aldrick View Post
It sounds like you're on the right track. I've seen other gay guys that fell for a straight guy (typically a friend) and wanted to delude themselves into believing that a relationship was possible. I did it once, years ago, and it was a major mistake. It never ends well. Never.
When I last had a straight crush, at one point I had deluded myself into thinking that he was a closet case.

Anyway, firstly, I suspect that he may be one of those guys who gets 'bent on the ends' when they get drunk (i.e. they're not completely straight). Sober, he would be.

You would however be surprised how much people can forget when they're drunk, and how different people act. My female best friend at a party when she was drunk kept shouting at me to GTFO and STFU because she wanted a guy, like, a lot. (He was sober, and one of my friends). It's possible that he was out enough not to remember much, although it's more likely he's turned a blind eye to the little that he does remember.

But expect things to be awkward for a while, and don't be surprised if the friendship takes a turn for the worst.
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Old 27th Apr 2012, 08:59 PM   #8
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Re: Messed around with straight friend

Same thing happened with my friend. We drank alot one night and then he felt me up and grabbed my package. After we cuddled and his mom walked in on us. I think he is bi, but he can't come to terms with it yet. I don't know if he remembers it or not. But i feel incredibly guilty that his mom night have seen us naked and spooning. effed up situation...i know. haha so yours can be worse like mine haha
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Old 27th Apr 2012, 09:10 PM   #9
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Re: Messed around with straight friend

A couple of thoughts.

1. Being drunk dosen't make you do things you don't want to do. It just lowers you inhibitions.
2. When I get drunk I get horny.
3. With lowered inhibitions and being incredibly horned up, he likely was not very picky about his sexual partners.

It is imperative that you never allow the two of you to get in a situation where something simular could happen again.

My first thought is to never bing it up. Though he did get drunk and cheat on his girlfriend. That is not cool.
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Old 29th Apr 2012, 11:07 AM   #10
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Re: Messed around with straight friend

Well, here's an update.

I returned to my friend's house last night. This was the first time I'd seen him since the incident last week. I had been mentally preparing myself for a few days leading up to this visit, trying to put that incident out of my mind and act like this was just any other visit. That's easier said than done.

He and his girlfriend were both awake when I got there. We exchanged greetings and small talk. I felt like every time I looked at him - especially when our eyes met - that we both were secretly acknowledging the elephant in the room. I don't know if this was actually the case or if it was just my paranoia. I tried to keep the conversation going as much as possible. As long as we were talking and laughing about something else, the uncomfortable feelings stayed away. What I didn't want was to sit there in silence and watch TV. That would've given my mind a much longer leash to run with and to stir up all sorts of questions, paranoia, and "what ifs".

Alcohol was a factor in the original situation. But my friend and I are "drinking buddies", and this was Saturday night. I opted for a six-pack of beer this time instead of drinking liquor; he opted for water. I wondered how observant he was, and if he noticed that I toned-down the alcohol this weekend. I certainly noticed his switch to bottled water, and I knew the reason behind that switch. This situation is not funny, but I often resort to humor when approaching difficult situations; this is just how my mind works. So I couldn't help but chuckle to myself that he was playing it extra safe this weekend with the water. He really didn't have to worry though, because there was no amount of alcohol that would've resulted in a repeat of last weekend. After agonizing over this thing for the past week, there was no chance in hell I'd let it happen again (no matter how much I'd been drinking). They say hindsight is 20/20, and I came armed with a shitload of hindsight last night.

Eventually his girlfriend went upstairs to bed (for the record, I'm almost positive she doesn't know or suspect anything). I don't remember much after that because I fell asleep in a chair watching TV (as I've done on so many weekends at his house in the past). When I woke up this morning to go home, I was the only one downstairs (again, just like most weekends). I let myself out and headed home.

My main concern with this ordeal is not wanting to jeopardize a friendship. I'm uncomfortable about this whole situation mainly because he is uncomfortable. It doesn't bother me that I fooled around with another guy (other than the fact I enabled him to cheat); I'm gay after all. On the other hand, he is a straight guy in a serious relationship. I know that he probably remembers at least something, and is probably very bothered by it. And that is what's ultimately bothering me. I want so badly to let him know that it was a mistake and that it won't happen again. I want to let him know that I won't ever bring up the situation again. I want to let him know that our friendship means much more to me than some stupid, drunken mistake. I want to let him know that he has nothing to worry about. BUT, I can't. I still think the best thing to do, as many of you have suggested, is to keep my mouth shut unless he brings it up. Even then, I'll probably feign ignorance and write it off to being drunk.


All in all it was uncomfortable, but I think I handled it well. I know it will take time, but I'm hoping this friendship can be mended. Part of me worries that he will try to put more distance between the two of us, but only time will tell. As I said in my last post, most of this is out of my hands at this point.

Thanks again to everyone who responded. I'm glad I found this community.
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Old 29th Apr 2012, 11:32 AM   #11
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Re: Messed around with straight friend

well, hopefully you enjoyed the oral becuase it is unlikely to happen again. here are my thoughts.

1. he is lying about not remembering anything. since when do you not remember your best friend that is a gay male sucking your dick. he's lying and covering.

2. he told the girlfriend that he was drunk and remembers nothing so she can believe the lie too. he told you that as well as an indirect way of saying "whatever happened, dont bring it up again and it did not happen".

3. he is a guy. sometimes guys get horny. that night you all were drinking and he was horny and was curious to know what oral from a dude felt like. he probably has been curious about it before and since he knew you would suck his dick, he pulled his pants down to experience it. he did and ended up going back to bed with his girlfriend.

4. my advice is just to pretend like it didn't happen. obviously he is doing that, so just follow his lead and erase it from your memory banks. bringing it up is only going to cause drama.

5. also, he has a girfriend. ok, you experienced your straight crush coming true, so now back off and deal with the 100 percent gays or bis that are single.
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Old 29th Apr 2012, 11:44 AM   #12
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Re: Messed around with straight friend

If you don't want it to happen again, that's easily remedied. If you two are alone (or alone-ish), and you see him drinking quite a bit, just say "you might want to slow down a bit. Let's not have a repeat of last time.". Say it with a smile, and don't reference it again. That'll let him know you know, you're cool with it, and you're not interested in a repeat performance,

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Old 29th Apr 2012, 11:47 AM   #13
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Re: Messed around with straight friend

Sounds pretty complicated, but I think he does remember it. I would just let him feel safe by not bringing it up.
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Old 29th Apr 2012, 12:34 PM   #14
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Re: Messed around with straight friend

Why can't this ever happen with a guy who says, "Wow, that was really great! Apparently I'm gay too and since we're best buds, let's date and live happily ever after"? Wouldn't that be nice for once?

I hope your friendship isn't hurt by this at all. So far sounds good for you
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Old 29th Apr 2012, 12:58 PM   #15
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Re: Messed around with straight friend

PSchris -

Yeah, by taking the water he pretty much screamed that he remembers what happened. That was pretty much a dead give away.

Since it was the first time you've both seen each other since it happened, it was inevitable that it'd be awkward. It's like a bond of trust that's been broken and needs to be rebuilt. He's afraid that if he drinks around you that it's going to happen again.

I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. Why? Well, you were insanely drunk and so was he. Hopefully, you wouldn't have done anything with him were you sober, but since your inhibitions were lowered... Plus, he has an equal amount of responsibility in what happened. He might have been drunk as well, but it isn't like you told him to pull down his pants, and it wasn't like he was saying no - after all, he wanted to go even further than you let him.

Forgive yourself for what happened. There is nothing you can do to change it, and there is no point in living in regret. Take a vow to do what you must to repair your friendship and ensure that it never happens again.

Things get more complicated if you notice that he starts pulling away from you. If he stops answering your texts, doesn't really start returning your calls, doesn't drink when you're around, then he is pulling away. This should become rather clear in the next couple of weeks or so.

If you notice that he's doing something like that, and you see your friendship slowly circling around in the toilet - about to be flushed, it might be time to have a blunt and honest conversation about what happened. This is pretty much a last resort in a desperate hope to repair things.

Ideally, he's going to get over his awkwardness, which in turn will help you get over yours, and things will eventually - in time - return to normal. Both of you will pretend that it never happened, and that will be that.

If the ideal doesn't happen, and you have to have a serious talk with him.. ugh. Definitely, definitely, don't take all the blame (or any of the blame - it's better if he accepts it all on himself, otherwise he might blame you completely to avoid feeling like his sexuality has been questioned). This is definitely a situation that is more traumatic for him than for you, and has far greater complications.

Ideally, you'll both blame it on the booze, and once it's talked about and in the open you'll both be able to find a way to move past it. Hopefully he will also be silent about it when it comes to his girlfriend, since she's a wildcard in all of this.

If he gets angry or wonders why you lied about not remembering anything, just tell the truth. Tell him you were hoping he didn't remember, and that you didn't want to say anything because you were trying to avoid awkwardness. Tell him that you were hoping that you both could have put it behind you without talking about it, since you were both crazy drunk and didn't even know what you were doing.

But, but, but, but... this is a last resort. The most ideal situation is that things start returning to normal again, and you both put it behind you like nothing happened. Talking about it, I think, should only be reserved when it looks like you have no other options left.
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Old 29th Apr 2012, 02:14 PM   #16
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Re: Messed around with straight friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by mnguy View Post
Why can't this ever happen with a guy who says, "Wow, that was really great! Apparently I'm gay too and since we're best buds, let's date and live happily ever after"? Wouldn't that be nice for once?

I hope your friendship isn't hurt by this at all. So far sounds good for you
if there weren't all the societal taboos again homosexuality that would probably happen a lot.
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Old 19th Apr 2015, 06:10 PM   #17
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Re: Messed around with straight friend

Hi,

Sorry to bring up an old thread, but I wonder if you can give me some advice.

I'm a straight guy and have never had any form of sexual experience with a guy until a couple of months ago.

The guy it happened with is gay and is one of my closest friends and we have known each other for years.

We went went out for some drinks one weekend as we usually do and ended up going back to mine to chill, watch TV, listen to music and continue drinking.

We both ended up getting totally wasted, to the point where I can't remember big parts of the night. All I know is that some stuff happened that really shouldn't have happened.

My last memory is of us sitting on the sofa naked and somehow we ended up touching each other etc.

I had taken double the dose of my (prescribed) Klonopin that day as I was feeling more anxious than usual. The last time I took a large dose of Klonopin combined with alcohol
is when I was flying back from vacation and I almost ended up getting arrested for being drunk and disorderly, shouting at cabin crew on the plane and all other kinds of crazy stuff that I honestly could not remember doing until my girlfriend told me when I woke up the following day.

I have a girlfriend of 4 years and I have never been attracted to guys in any way and I can't work out why this happened with one of my best friends. I don't remember taking my clothes off, I don't remember getting my dick out, and I don't remember me asking him to take his clothes off.

I have been having really bad panic attacks since that day. I feel completely confused about what happened. I know I'm definitely not attracted to guys.

I haven't told my girlfriend as I'm worried about how she will react.

I text him a couple of days after the night it happened and said that I was completely wasted and didn't remember anything about the night and he replied saying that he was really wasted too and that he didn't remember anything either. We then sent a few more texts to each other about general stuff. I wanted to pretend nothing had happened as I felt so weird about the situation. We haven't been in contact since then.

My panic attacks and general anxiety surrounding the event have become worse and I haven't told anyone about what happened. I can't sleep at night and I fee terrible that I'm keeping this secret from my girlfriend.

I feel like I want to text him to tell him how I'm feeling but I wonder whether it is just best left alone and hope that it's not awkward the next time I see him, whenever that may be.

Can any of you give me any advice?

Should I text him to say I know something happened that night that shouldn't have happened? And that I've been feeling very confused and stressed about the situation? Or do I just try to pretend it never happened and hope it becomes a distant memory and that when we next see each other we can just laugh it off?

Thanks in advance for any help.
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Old 20th Apr 2015, 10:38 AM   #18
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Re: Messed around with straight friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by texx111 View Post
Hi,

Sorry to bring up an old thread, but I wonder if you can give me some advice.

I'm a straight guy and have never had any form of sexual experience with a guy until a couple of months ago.

The guy it happened with is gay and is one of my closest friends and we have known each other for years.
Let me start by saying that I honestly empathize with you and what youíre feeling. Just reading your post brought back memories of my experience 3 years ago and the feelings that accompanied it. Iíll be glad to offer some advice in the hopes that it will help you out.

First of all, I donít think that your experience makes you gay or even bisexual. I think that guys can have a sexual experience without either of them being gay or bi. I believe that a personís romantic desires, preferences, and needs can be separated from the physical act of sex. When this happens, I think itís the result of simply satisfying a physical need. That physical need can be purely curiosity, which I think happens more frequently in younger people who have just started to become sexual. That physical need can be the desire to experiment in order to see what itís like to be with another guy. And finally, that physical need can simply be being horny and needing to ďget offĒ (which I think is what happened in my situation and, if I had to guess, is what happened in your situation too).

Quote:
Originally Posted by texx111 View Post
We went went out for some drinks one weekend as we usually do and ended up going back to mine to chill, watch TV, listen to music and continue drinking.

We both ended up getting totally wasted, to the point where I can't remember big parts of the night. All I know is that some stuff happened that really shouldn't have happened.

My last memory is of us sitting on the sofa naked and somehow we ended up touching each other etc.

I had taken double the dose of my (prescribed) Klonopin that day as I was feeling more anxious than usual. The last time I took a large dose of Klonopin combined with alcohol
is when I was flying back from vacation and I almost ended up getting arrested for being drunk and disorderly, shouting at cabin crew on the plane and all other kinds of crazy stuff that I honestly could not remember doing until my girlfriend told me when I woke up the following day.

I have a girlfriend of 4 years and I have never been attracted to guys in any way and I can't work out why this happened with one of my best friends. I don't remember taking my clothes off, I don't remember getting my dick out, and I don't remember me asking him to take his clothes off.
Like I said earlier, I think two straight guys can have a sexual experience purely for the physical act because they are both horny and need to get off. I think this can happen with 2 sober guys. When you add alcohol and other medications, inhibitions get lowered and it becomes even easier to cross lines that you normally wouldnít cross. You said your friend was gay, so he is already attracted to guys. But youíre wondering how you (a straight guy with a girlfriend who is not attracted to guys) couldíve fooled around with another guy. Again Iíll point to the fact that you were intoxicated and your brain was operating on a much lower, basic level. You were probably horny, not because you were attracted to your friend, but because people just get horny (especially when theyíre drunk). When you add these up you have your brain operating on a lower level due to being intoxicated, and itís trying to fulfil a purely physical desire. You know your friend is gay, so your brain now sees that as an opportunity to have that physical need fulfilled. Normally you might stop at this point because youíre not attracted to guys, and the situation wouldnít escalate any further. But this time you were wasted and had doubled up on medication, so the things that would normally cause you to stop werenít functioning normally (or at all). Thus you end up moving forward with the situation and doing what you did.

Remember that you pointed out a situation in the past where you doubled up on your medication and it led to you basically ďblacking outĒ and doing things you donít remember doing. So you know that itís possible for things like this to happen (sexually-related or not).

Quote:
Originally Posted by texx111 View Post
I have been having really bad panic attacks since that day. I feel completely confused about what happened. I know I'm definitely not attracted to guys.
Whatever you do, donít stop taking your prescription without talking to your doctor first; this can cause withdrawal symptoms and even seizures. If things donít get better, talk to your doctor. (**Please note that Iím not a doctor or medical professional, so this should not be taken as medical advice. I am only sharing my personal knowledge of the drug because it has been prescribed to me.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by texx111 View Post
I haven't told my girlfriend as I'm worried about how she will react.
Quote:
Originally Posted by texx111 View Post
My panic attacks and general anxiety surrounding the event have become worse and I haven't told anyone about what happened. I can't sleep at night and I fee terrible that I'm keeping this secret from my girlfriend.
As for the panic attacks and general anxiety, see my comments from earlier. Talk to your doctor if needed.

I probably wouldnít mention this to your girlfriend. Others will disagree with me on this advice, but I just donít see how telling her can make the situation any better; it can certainly make the situation worse. She likely will not understand how or why this couldíve happened (just like you are unable to understand how or why it happened). She will have more questions than youíll have answers for, and your answers may not be to her satisfaction. I really think itís best to not bring this up to her.

I understand you feel terrible about keeping this secret from your girlfriend. Honesty is the cornerstone of any relationship. But some stones are better left unturned. Ultimately youíll have to decide this on your own.

Do you think sheís going to be understanding enough to hear your story and realize that it was just something that occurred as a result of you being wasted and doubling-up on Klonopin? Iím not sure that most women would be that understanding.

Do you think she will understand that this was just a physical act that occurred in your intoxicated state and in no way reflects on your sexual preference? Iíve told you that I donít think this makes you gay or even bi, but itís not like you can just print off this post and show it to your girlfriend as proof. I think that most straight people have a problem understanding situations like this because they identify so strongly with being straight. So until they find themselves in a similar situation, they donít see how it can be possible for a straight person to have a sexual experience with a person of the same sex and not be gay or at least bisexual. This is why youíre having such a hard time dealing with the whole experience, and itís very likely that your girlfriend would have a problem with it for the same reasons. I hope that you are able to come to terms with this situation, realize why it happened, and realize that it doesnít change anything about you or your orientation. I think it would be much harder for your girlfriend to come to terms with the situation because sheís not the one it happened to.

Is this considered "cheating"? In the strict, physical sense....probably. I know that in my situation, I felt like my friend was cheating on his girlfriend in some sense, even though he was blackout drunk. But I didn't feel like he was romantically or emotionally cheating on her, and I don't feel like you were either. In your situation, not only were you wasted on alcohol, you were also on a medication that, when combined with alcohol, can cause people to blackout. Don't get me wrong, drugs and alcohol don't make it right, but they can offer an explanation as to why something happened that would otherwise not happen.

Hopefully you've learned what can happen when you mix alcohol with higher doses of certain medications, and hopefully you'll take steps to prevent things like this from happening in the future.

I think cheating is wrong. I also believe that people make mistakes and can learn from those mistakes. It seems probable that your girlfriend will not find out about this incident unless you specifically tell her. Assuming that you've learned your lesson and are genuinely contrite, I stand by my earlier statement that I don't how telling your girlfriend can make the situation any better.

If it's really driving you crazy and you feel like you can't continue in the relationship without telling her, then that's your choice. Ultimately it's up to you. I would give it some time first. Being too quick to act can get you in trouble. This is something you really want to think about first.

Here's another piece of advice that works for me when I'm anxious about something and it's consuming my thoughts and preventing me from sleeping at night:

Go for a walk or a run. This may sound simple at first, but hear me out. You're probably already thinking about this situation on a daily basis, playing the events of that night over and over in your head, and asking yourself the same questions over and over. So why not process these thoughts while doing something physical at the same time. Set aside an hour or so to go walking or running, and tell yourself that you're not going to think about this situation until during your walk or run. Then, instead of wearing headphones and listening to music during your walk/run, use that time to think about your situation; meditate; be alone with just your thoughts; ask the "what if's" and other questions that have been consuming your brain; think about the pros and cons of telling your girlfriend or confronting your friend about the situation; develop a plan for how you can avoid a similar situation in the future.
Setting aside a time of day to think about these things will help you to keep from focusing on them when you should be working or going to school or sleeping. The physical activity is also good for you and can help you sleep better at night.



Quote:
Originally Posted by texx111 View Post

I text him a couple of days after the night it happened and said that I was completely wasted and didn't remember anything about the night and he replied saying that he was really wasted too and that he didn't remember anything either. We then sent a few more texts to each other about general stuff. I wanted to pretend nothing had happened as I felt so weird about the situation. We haven't been in contact since then.
Quote:
Originally Posted by texx111 View Post
I feel like I want to text him to tell him how I'm feeling but I wonder whether it is just best left alone and hope that it's not awkward the next time I see him, whenever that may be.

Can any of you give me any advice?

Should I text him to say I know something happened that night that shouldn't have happened? And that I've been feeling very confused and stressed about the situation? Or do I just try to pretend it never happened and hope it becomes a distant memory and that when we next see each other we can just laugh it off?
You said that you donít remember taking your clothes off, but you do remember being naked and touching each other. So you remember some parts but not others. Your friend is probably in the same boat. Itís unlikely that he doesnít remember anything.

When this happened to me, I pretended not to remember anything because I knew the situation would be uncomfortable for my straight friend. In other words, I was trying to give him an escape route by pretending that I didnít remember anything about that night (plausible deniability, if you will). If he thought that I didnít remember anything about that night, then he could say the same thing and never have to mention it again.

My friend and I were very close at the time, and I valued that friendship much more than any sexual experience. I didnít want one stupid night to mess up our friendship. I was perfectly willing to pretend it never happened because I knew thatís what he wanted (and part of me wanted that too).

Your friend probably remembers at least some part of what happened that night. He may be having some of the same thoughts and feelings that you are currently having. He may be pretending not to remember anything because he thinks that would be the easiest way for you to handle the situation.

I think I would just keep quiet for now and pretend like you donít remember anything.

There are only 3 reasons I can think of for you to talk about this with him. Otherwise, just keep quiet.
  1. Things between you and your friend become so uncomfortable that you feel like it is jeopardizing your friendship. Give it some time first, and donít be too quick to act. Itís going to feel weird to hang out with him at first. This is normal, and talking about it wonít fix this completely. In fact, it may take several weeks or even months before things feel like theyíre back to ďnormalĒ.
  2. (This is highly unlikely.) Your friend interprets this experience as a cue that you want to start doing this on a regular basis. If your friend starts hitting on you, then it would probably be a good idea to have a conversation about what happened. Again, this is highly unlikely. Your friend knows youíre straight, and it doesnít sound like heís ever tried to make a move on you in the past. So thereís no reason to believe that he would all of a sudden think it was OK to make a move on you now. Thereís no reason to be paranoid around him.
  3. Sometime in the distant future, you might want to bring it up just to get it off your chest. I would let a lot of time pass before I talked about it though. It always helps to talk about a sensitive subject like this after a considerable amount of time has passed. It wonít feel so weird talking about it if a year or so has gone by. If you do decide to bring it up in the future, make sure the time is right. Choose a time when you and your friend are both in a good mood, and when you can talk about it in private and face-to-face.

Your friend likely regrets that this situation took place just as much as you do. He probably knows that you remember some of what happened that night, and heís probably worried about your friendship just as much as you are. Try to act normal around him, and remember how important your friendship is. The more you act normal around him (even if it feels weird on the inside), the more it will genuinely start to feel normal again. This will take time, but I promise that itís worth it for the sake of your friendship.

Your situation is so similar to mine, except that in your situation you're the straight friend. Reading your story really did bring back a lot of old feelings from several years ago. I hope that some of what I've said helps. I'll be glad to answer any other questions you might have and/or clarify anything that I've written.
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Old 20th Apr 2015, 11:29 AM   #19
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Re: Messed around with straight friend

Here's a brief follow-up to my story, including a mistake I made in the way I handled the situation.

For the purposes of this post, let's refer to my straight friend with whom I had the sexual experience as "Jeff".

I decided to confide in a mutual straight friend (weíll call him "Doug") because I felt like I needed to talk to somebody I trusted and who was familiar with Jeff. I thought I could trust Doug not say anything, and he didnít for about 6 months. Then one day Doug and Jeff got into a heated argument, and Doug brought up what I had told him about Jeff. Doug did this just to be hurtful to Jeff, but of course it had serious implications for me as well.

I got a text message from Doug saying ďJeff knows, so you better prepare yourself.Ē I was out-of-town when I got the text message, and didnít fully understand what it meant. (This was 6 months after the incident occurred, so it was not fresh in my mind.) This was very much a bitch move on Dougís part both for telling Jeff and for sending me a text message instead of calling or talking to me in person.

Anyway, when I got back in town, I got a call one night from Jeff. I wasnít expecting it to be related to the incident 6 months ago, so I was completely blindsided when he asked me about it. Iíd never heard Jeff speak in that tone of voice. I remember how frustrated and angry he sounded. He asked me what happened, and I told him the truth. The conversation started drifting toward him accusing me of taking advantage of him, but I wasn't having any of that. I went over some specific details of what he had done that night and explained that there was no way he wasnít actively participating in the events that night. I had to be forceful and stand my ground to prevent him from trying to paint the whole situation as being my fault.

The phone call lasted maybe an hour, but it seemed liken an eternity. We probably went over the details of that night at least 3 times. He would ask me to repeat certain parts (maybe to see if my story would change or not). He continued to maintain that he didnít remember anything. I explained that I hadnít brought it up because I knew it would be uncomfortable for him. I apologized for telling Doug about the situation, but I did try to explain my need to confide in someone about what happened. I told him how important our friendship was, and that I wanted to preserve it at all costs. He said that he needed some time to deal with the situation.

We ended up talking on the phone again about a week later when I asked if some friends could come over and watch football. During this conversation Jeff brought up the sexual encounter again and stressed how important it was that his girlfriend not find out about it. I told him that I had no intention of telling his girlfriend.

We ended up hanging out again and things eventually returned to normal.

In hindsight, I wish I hadnít confided in Doug. I needed to talk to someone in person whom I trusted, but it didn't have to be someone familiar with Jeff. It wouldíve been much easier for me to pretend that the situation never happened. Instead, thanks to Doug, the situation was brought up 6 months later and Jeff confronted me about it.

Friendship Status

Jeff and I continued to be friends for about a year after he confronted me. Doug stopped hanging out with us, so it began to be just Jeff and I hanging out on the weekends. It started to feel like we had less and less in common with each other. I don't know if this is because the Doug was the "glue" keeping our friendship together, or if the events of that night were still having an impact on the friendship, or both.

We went from hanging out 2-3 times per week to barely hanging out once a week. I blamed this on Jeff because it seemed like he always had an excuse to not hang out. I felt like I was having to do a lot of work just to see him once a week or once every other week. Jeff also had a bad habit (even before the sexual experience, since as long as I've known him) of making plans and then cancelling them at the last minute. He would call or text to cancel at the last minute leaving me and others left holding tickets to concerts or having to go on a trip by ourselves.

Eventually, things came to a head. After about 9 months of feeling like I was doing all the work to keep the friendship together, he cancelled on me one night at the last minute. I'd had enough. I called him and gave him a piece of my mind (the sexual encounter was never brought up). We haven't talked since that phone call.

What marked the beginning of the end of our friendship? Was it the sexual encounter? Was it the confrontation (no more plausible deniability on his part)? Was it the fact that I told Doug? Was Doug really the "glue" of our friendship, and when he left Jeff and I had nothing much in common?

I can't answer this question. I can point to the end of our friendship and say that there were specific situations that caused us to get into an argument and end things. But I'll never know for sure what, if any, impact the sexual encounter 1.5 years earlier had on our friendship ending.

Occasionally I think about Jeff and miss hanging out with him. I've wondered what I would say if I ran into him somewhere. I wish our friendship had lasted longer than it did.
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Old 20th Apr 2015, 04:51 PM   #20
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Re: Messed around with straight friend

Sorry Chris, that really quite sad how that ended up. I read this thread earlier and told one of my very few gay friends about it and he said the same thing had happened to him. Sadly for him he is one of those gay guys who is attracted to very straight guys. He said it ended his friendship after a short time too.
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