Hi all, I'm 20 years old, and I've been grappling with my sexuality since I was about 13. I'm a college student, so life is already complicated enough without the whole "am I gay?" battle going on in my head at the moment and seeing how most guys talk about girls around here really trashily (is that a word?). To start, I'm not the outgoing alpha male type, I'm more passive and introverted. I've never actually dated a girl before, nor can I say I'm very attracted to them physically. I'm more emotionally attracted to girls though and have had crushes before, and there was a girl I very much liked in high school but she turned out to be not who I thought she was. At the moment, there is a girl who I sort of am interested in, though I'm sort of ambivalent about if it's actual attraction or if I just really like her as a friend. On the other hand, men turn me on to an extent, particularly in porn, though the weird thing is that I could never see myself being in a relationship with a guy and have never crushed on a guy. I'll admit I've had fantasies about both genders, probably more about guys. I'd very much like to have kids one day, in fact thinking about that sort of thing makes me cry sometimes. But I'm not super concerned about the whole having a wife thing, as I'm a quiet, somewhat shy, independent guy who isn't really into relationships. Though the thought of having one would be nice, I can't really see myself opening up to another person like that (marriage isn't a priority for me, if it happens, great!). I also don't really care about sex too much, but I still do have feelings, you know?. Does that make me odd? Anyway, whether I'm gay or bi (not sure whether I would consider myself straight at this point) isn't going to make or break my life, I'm past the point of letting others' opinions affect the way I carry myself for the most part. My only real problem would be my family. My family is really Catholic/conservative and and my parents are outspoken anti-gay. My mom might understand my feelings if I talked to her, but she's sort of judgmental about stuff. My dad... well, we don't get along so that would be a really awkward conversation. The only people I'd consider speaking to are my older sister and an aunt and uncle of mine, all of who are more liberal and open minded. Anyway, I'm not really looking for life-changing advice here, but more just a way to sort out my feelings. My sexuality doesn't define me, it's just a part of a bigger picture I guess.
well you seem to be attracted to who you are attracted to. its really that simple. you like some guys sometimes (sexually) and you like some girls (emotionallY). what happens with people that are sorting out their sexuality is that it is not uncommon for men to see other men as "sexual possibilities" but not "emotional possibilities". this is because to look at oneself being emotionaly attracted/bonded with a man is sometimes too hard to deal with because 'lust " and being "horny" is a "manly" thing to do, but emotional bonding to anohter man pretty much makes you feel gay and if you're fighting against the thoguht of being gay or have issues about it, then its easy to banish any emotional potential out of your mind. my advice to you is that you've been dealing with this since youre 13. the thoughts aren't going anywhere. you are avoiding all relationshps at this point because honestly its a safe place for you. if you don't get with a girl, then you still can wonder "what if" instead of experiencing it and maybe realizing that you don't raelly want a girl beause then you will know for sure you're gay and that may be too scary to accept at this time.
I was in almost exactly the same place a year ago. I'd had a couple crushes on men before (I'm female), but I hadn't dated anyone because frankly I really wasn't into the idea of getting a boyfriend. I figured if it happens, it happens. Meanwhile, I'd noticed that occasionally I felt attracted to women. Nothing too frequent -- only once or twice a year -- but when I did it was much stronger than my attraction for men. While I didn't totally repress the idea of being not straight, I didn't think about it too much. Again, if it happens, it happens. Then I got to college. By the beginning of second semester, I had fallen for my closest female friend. By the end of the semester, my attraction for men had pretty much disappeared entirely. Looking back, most of the men who I liked I liked as friends. If they had asked me out, I would have agreed to go with them, but really what I liked about them was discussing politics, philosophy, or how horrible high school was. I had no romantic interest in them. Actually, until this semester, I was completely put off by the idea of dating and sex; I imagined myself living alone for the rest of my life. The moral of the story? Sometimes you just won't know what your sexuality is until you have enough life experience to sort out what it is that you're feeling. The best thing you can do is get out and meet new people. As long as you are open to the possibilities and are honest with yourself, the truth should eventually be made clear, though it may take a while. In the meantime, work on accepting yourself, no matter which way you turn out. I'm afraid that I don't really know what advice to give you about your family other than to wait until you are reasonably sure before you tell them. That way, if they decide to criticize you, you will be better able to withstand it and remain confident in who you are.
Your entry sounds very familiar. I've been there: feeling like I was more physically attracted to guys and more emotionally attracted to girls, worrying about my future potential to have kids, and how my conservative family would react. Here's my two cents: I think it's natural to have difficulty imagining a romantic relationship with a guy, because popular culture is overwhelmingly dominated by heterosexual imagery. Consider seeking out movies like "Brokeback Mountain," "Were the World Mine," or "Shelter" (I haven't actually seen the last one, but I've heard good things. Porn doesn't cut it, because the focus isn't quite on the emotional aspect of relationships, haha. Was there ever a guy that you really really wanted to be friends with? Or a best friend that you thought about a LOT? I've experienced both and I think those would be considered types of emotional attraction. Remember, there are plenty of same sex couples who decide to have children. My philosophy: that factor should have NO say in helping you define your sexuality. If you're not into women but you end up dating them because you want to have children, then you're basically using them as a means to an end. A relationship should be about your partner first, not what they can get you (children, acceptance in society, making your parents happy, etc.) Not to say I think you're being selfish, not at all. This is something I have struggled with too. Maybe don't look quite so far ahead for now. What you say about sex, I don't think it makes you odd. I've never been very sexually driven either. It might be something that takes the right context to "unlock" in guys like us. Just like with heterosexual imagery, pop culture tends to bombard us with images of the sex-crazed male so those of us who actually care about emotional connection feel different. The family is tough. Coming out to the more liberal members first is a good plan. That way you have the moral support for when the more difficult coming out happens. Don't feel too rushed though, you want to feel as comfortable as possible with yourself before coming out to others. As I've said in a couple other threads, I think the thing that can really get you moving forward on figuring things out is interacting with others. It's scary to get out there, but it's worth it. I think it's great that others' opinions have lost a lot of their influence on you. That is really the crucial step toward living your own life, when you're able to step out of the shadow of others' expectations and figure out what you want for yourself.
I also think it would be a good idea for you to tell your liberal family members first in order to have support within the family to fall on in case your parents don't take the news well. You can tell them that you're not yet sure of your sexuality; I'm sure they'll understand and support you regardless of what you do. Marriage never really was a priority for me either. The thought of it gives me the shivers :lol:. As for your question: no, of course not. I feel the same way, to the extent that I can't understand (emotionally) how people could possibly want sex but not a relationship, or how they automatically look down upon those of us who don't make relationships a priority. They assume we're asocial beings, boring prudes, or crazy cat people who don't care for other humans. There's nothing wrong with any of that, or any of us.
