I haven't posted to forums before so I'm not sure how to start these, but I'm really confused about just what's going on with me. I’m a girl and I’m in university, and this is really long post so heads up. The thing that makes this so difficult, I think, is I’ve never done anything with anyone of any gender- and I mean anything. So everything is just very theoretical. I always just kind of assumed I was straight, but a couple times in high school I’d have an isolated incident of being attracted to a woman, but never any close friends and often they were older than me- which always made me wonder, do I want to be like them, or do I want to be with them? I’m definitely sexual attracted to guys, and I’ve had crushes and everything, but I feel like the idea of a relationship with a guy in my mind is sort tainted by the stereotype of them always cheating and only thinking about sex, never listening... that kind of thing. I know obviously that not everyone of the same gender acts the same, but sometimes it feels like guys really don’t want to talk and don’t want to be close- but that could just be me. I’m worried that maybe I’ve gotten so frustrated that I’m just enjoying the novelty of the idea of a relationship with a woman. The thing that’s really made this urgent is I’ve just developed all these confused feelings about my hairdresser, actually. I don’t know how to describe her other than she’s just really cool. She’s really nice (I’m aware that in a way she’s kind of paid to be nice to me, so I’m trying not to assume that she likes me) and she always says how pretty my hair is (which she probably tells everyone) and I really like her but it’s like I imagine her, and then I image me with her, and it just seems silly. Like I wouldn’t know what to do or what to say and I feel like there’s no way she’d like me like that. That’s another thing, I feel like I’d always be comparing myself to a woman in terms of looks because, although I’m not at all hideous, I’d say I’m definitely ‘an acquired taste on the eyes’. And I don’t find women past, like 40, very attractive- just going by looks. Maybe that’s normal since I’m not 40, but I find older men attractive. So I guess to summarise, the issues I’m having are: I don’t know whether I’m attracted to women in just an emotional way, I can’t figure out how much of my perception of relationships with anyone have been completely influenced by gender roles and stereotypes, and I have absolutely nothing concrete to back anything up with, so I am really confused, to say the least. Just one last tiny thing- I thought it was interesting that I used to fantasise about guys with me being really passive and sought after but when I imagine myself with girls I’m the one- and I hate to say this because I know that this is a misconception about lesbian relationships that there has to be ‘the guy’- but I feel like the initiator. So I wondered if that meant I just want to be more involved and I can’t see myself like that with a guy, or what. Sorry this turned out really long but I haven’t really said much about it to anyone because I’m scared they’ll see me differently and I’m worried my friends that are girls will think I’m trying to tell them that I’m secretly in love with them or something.
Sorry the post didn't get answered until now - hope you're still coming back to check. And since this is your first post, welcome to the site also! As far as the concerns you've described here, I think they're all very normal things to be thinking, especially given the fact that you have no experience in relationships/dating/etc. You shouldn't feel bad about that though - I got to university with zero experience too, but things worked out for me eventually. You also seem to have a pretty good grasp of where your concerns are coming from, especially regarding stereotypes - there are, of course, guys that will be very faithful and very interested in listening to you. And being the "initiator" in a relationship with a woman is fine too - someone has to make a first move, after all, or dates will just get increasingly awkward. :lol: As for your hairdresser - I think you're right about that too. People in the service industry are paid to be nice to you, and while it's possible that she genuinely likes you and enjoys having you in for appointments, sexual thoughts might be the furthest thing from her mind. This situation could also have to do with the fact that many people really enjoy having their hair or scalp touched - that alone might be drumming up some feelings for you. I guess the only thing I could offer in terms of advice is to try to open up to people and let them be themselves - if you want to be dating, there are people out there who will be interested, and while some people will doubtless confirm your suspicions, many will also challenge them or debunk them completely. You never know, people can surprise you.
If your lack of experience is making things confusing, what about getting some experience? Not like having sex with random people. More like, if you like someone, tell them so, and see what happens next. Maybe they want to be friends, maybe they want to hold hands, or maybe (but not often) they want a more serious relationship. Or maybe they think you're too weird or too queer for them, and then you take a deep breath, get on with life and try again with the next person you like. If anyone wants to know about your sexual orientation, just say you're questioning. Most people will accept that.
I wouldnt worry about having no experience, you dont have to have experience to work out what you like, I mean I am not saying it hurts but its not essential. I also think you shouldnt worry about whether you see yourself as more dominant or more submissive, sometimes this can change depending on who you are fantasising. I think you should spend sometime just letting your imagination do its stuff, preferably sometime when you are alone and have some peace. Try not to have any pre concieved ideas about what you think you want, and just see where the journey takes you. Also when you are out and about, maybe sit in a cafe where you can watch people walk past and just watch the people and see who takes your fancy. You could also try and join some kind of LGBT group. I think if you can envisage yourself both with a guy and a girl even if it is only emotionally then you are probably bisexual at least at some level, but try not to stress about labelling it and just see what happens.
Thanks for the comments; I’m feeling a lot more optimistic about things. I told a friend about it and although it was awkward, mostly just because I kept outlining that I didn’t like her specifically, it was nice to have it treated like it wasn’t a big deal, but in a good way. I think it’s helpful for me to not look at relationships, and even just interactions with people, as having to go a certain way. I think that’s likely something that’s made it difficult for me to just relax and not have to feel in control of absolutely everything. I was thinking a little more about why I haven’t actually had any experience with anything yet and a lot of it has to do with me wanting to hold off until everything’s perfect, not in a religious "I have to be married first" way, just in an "I'm scared of things not being perfect" way. Which is kind of embarrassing because that’s so obviously not how life works. Being aware of that helps though, and I'm sure there's more to it than just that, but I'm willing to just deal with the rest as it comes. I like the idea of watching people in a coffee shop, and just noticing who I'd hypothetically like- it sounds so creepy but I mean it in the least creepy way possible
Its not creepy, I love people watching not always in a wow you are attractive kind of way but I just find it fun. Its just a chance to see lots of different people that you dont already know and hopefully without any preconceived ideas.
