I'm 30 years old and only started coming out last year. I told the people closest to me when the questioning finally became certainty. On National Coming Out Day I emailed a few more friends to let them know too. Since I made up my mind to come out, I've tried to live as out and honestly as possible, but nothing about me really says "gay" and people who've known me for a long time are going to assume that I'm straight since for the entire time they've known me I've dated only men. For people who don't know me that well, they still assume I'm straight and I don't know when is the right time to tell them otherwise. A perfect example of this happened today (and situations like this have happened to me several times). I was going to a school fair with a family I'm friends with (the dad, the mom, and the 15 year old daughter). On the subway ride, we were talking about a male friend of mine who is coming to visit and the 15 year old daughter asked how I knew him. Turns out, I met him because a friend of a friend had set us up a couple of years ago, back when I was trying desperately to find the right man (because I really believed that all my relationship troubles had to do with me not yet finding the right guy). Anyway, the mom asked "Oh, but it didn't work out with him, eh?" And there was my chance. I could have said, "Nope, not since I'm gay," but I didn't. I couldn't. The whole rest of the afternoon and at dinner this evening, I've wished I had said something. But would it have been appropriate? On the subway to an event together? I mean, what if it had made the rest of the day awkward? I think my awkwardness would have made it awkward even if they were all totally okay with it. Is it any of their business anyway? I mean does it even matter or am I not telling them because I'm ashamed? I've had this problem several times where, if someone already knows I'm gay, I may get nervous but I don't have nearly as much trouble talking about it as do I when they don't know I'm gay. In fact, with people who know me but don't know I'm gay, I can't seem to tell them. I've cleared matters up a couple of times by later emailing the person who mistakenly assumed I was straight, but I'd like to be able to handle this situation better in person. I'd like not to be awkward about it. I rehearsed what I should say the whole rest of the evening. "Oh, by the way, the reason it didn't work out with my friend B. was because I'm gay." But I never said it. I never do. Will I make too big a deal of it if I email now? I don't want to treat this like a big deal because I don't want it to be a big deal. I want them and everyone else to know I'm still the same me they knew and liked before they found out.
The only people who really need to know you're gay are the person you want to date, and the person you're already with if that's not the same person. If you do want to tell everyone, though, it's never too early and it's never too late. If you're wishing you'd told them a few days ago, then it's definitely okay to tell them now. It might be awkward, but that's okay because it's honest, and honesty is more important than awkwardness. What's stopping you from sending out a mass email to everyone you know, "BTW I'm gay, let me know if you want to talk about it."?
Yea its true, count your blessings. You get to sort of choose when you wanna come out to people. Even if I wanted to hid it now, I can't because my appearance basically outs me to anyone. So, nowadays, I don't even really come out and have to tell anyone any more. I just act as if its just common knowledge and people have been noticing and picking up on it without overreacting. The first few times are the most difficult. Have you come out to anyone at all yet? My suggesting is to start with people who you know are not going to react badly to it. Someone you know would be supportive and it would help boost your confidence in coming out to other people. At some point, at your choice, it just becomes part of your conversation. A lot of times I find, if you don't make a big deal about it, they won't make a big deal about it.
there is no right and wrong way to be gay. nothing about you has to say "gay." practice saying it casually - like when you're by yourself at home just talk out loud. doing this has helped me a lot. then, when it comes up in conversation, it won't be an internal battle of "should i say it or not?" it'll come out more naturally.
Sure, I mean there are definitely complexities, advantages and disadvantages to reading mostly as gay or straight, and I'd be the last to say it's better one way than the other. It's harder to be out when you read straight, since most of the time--at least in my experience--it's really hard to get an appropriate opening in the conversation to say "I'm gay." Most of the time, it feels like one is blurting out something TMI at the wrong time. And then there's the super annoying and kind of caging feeling when you "miss" a chance to come out.
