In my quest for figuring myself out, i've decided to experiment. Its something i feel kind of wierd about because I prefer monogomous relationships and feel that physical relations without emotions are not fulfilling enough. However, I have grown desperate for answers to figure out if i am attracted to men. I am compelled enough by this to ignore my personal beliefs... But anyway, i have asked a couple of friends to help me in finding a guy who want no-strings-attatched relations (probably not sex..but if i get desperate enough, who knows?) Its been difficult for one of my friends (who lives near me) to find one, but my best friend who moved quite a long way away suggested that one of her friends is looking for a relationship. At first i said no.. i dont want to hurt anyone. But she said that he would take a physical relationship and will "go with the flow." Now.. it SEEMS like a good option.. after all, he lives about 40 minutes away so emotional ties, if they develop, will fade more quickly. However, I feel wierd about doing things with a guy while she's in the area. I feel.. a bit panicky and vunerable when i think about it. Mostly, i think its because I have strong feelings for her which she is unable to return (straight). But what really bothers me is how she seems to EXPECT that I will enjoy it... she's said numerous times how gay people must be attracted somewhat to the opposite sex because its natural... to which i've explained that it is natural for gay people to love the same-sex. But still, she goes on like its just obvious that i will enjoy it.. as if - because she's so in love with men - every other girl must be too. I don't know. its just irritates me. I keep getting this strange feeling (not soley because of this) that we are not on the same level anymore.. that we are like strangers. it just makes me sad. So, do all of you have any advice? Do you think i'm just being immature and possibly jelous? I apologize for my long-windedness and for the rant. i just had to let this out.
Well, I am not really sure. It sounds like you like the idea of experimenting, but when it comes down to it you don't really want to hook up with this guy, right? I personally think we have a shitty deal when we feel pressure to experiment. Straight people don't have to do this. Imagine the following conversation: A: "I think I might be straight. Thanks for understanding." B: "How do you know? Have you tried having sex with girls before?" A: "I guess you're right. I better go and eat some pussy." Straight people, in other words, are never doubted and never have to explain themselves. Because queer people are doubted nearly all the time, many of us internalize that doubt that comes from the outside and doubt ourselves. If you don't want to have sex with the guy, don't, but I don't want you to think that you have to in order to prove something. As for your friend expecting you to enjoy it, I'm sorry she's being that way. Straight people sometimes say hurtful (or at least awkward) shit when they aren't thinking clearly about things.
Well, if you want to experiment, you just need to be able to separate your feelings/emotions from sexual desire. It's easier said than done, but it's the only way to keep from getting hurt. I was questioning my orientation, and experimentation was key to figuring it out. My advice: take it SLOW and set up some ground-rules. You don't want to get caught up in the moment and regret it later. Also, don't care about how it will affect other people, or what other people will think. In addition, I am also a BIG FAN of monogamy (I think that's just how it should be, for me, anyway), but the way I see my situation is that I'm not even in a real relationship, so I'm not in a non-monogamous relationship. I hope that helps.
