I was married for 20 years. I have been out for almost a year. I am feeling lost and alone, completely unsure of myself. I want to go back and close the door. Does this feeling ever go away? Will I ever be able to overcome this fear?
Holy crap, I'm 23 and can't answer this for you, but I sure will try. I feel like they should call it a cliff, not a closet. A cliff is something that you jump off of and can't come back, so it's more appropriate as a metaphor. I can't say that the fear will go away in the short term, but I definitely think it will. I think you just need some more gay friends, straight ally friends, and time. Also, a warm, WARM welcome to you.
The short answer: yes, you will. The somewhat longer and more complicated answer is that it's going to take some time. You've been through a major change in your life - something that I'm sure you don't need me to reveal to you - and getting used to a new way of living your life and organizing your social and relationship circle won't happen overnight, or even in one year, maybe. You mention you've been out for "almost a year" - if you're actually coming around to the day you came out, then I'm sure it's dragging up a bunch of feelings for you and making for a very difficult time. As weird as it might sound to say, try not to be too hard on yourself - if you feel sad, or lonely, or lost, that's okay, and even to be expected. Just keep track of yourself, and if these feelings start to overwhelm you, it might be a good idea to see a counselor (in my opinion, always a good idea following the end of an ltr, but maybe especially so in your case, considering all the changes piled on top of each other). As Pret said, also, welcome to the site! I'm glad you're here and I hope it proves helpful for you while you're dealing with this situation. Hang in there, and come back to post as often as you'd like.
Hi, and welcome to EC. First, remember that it took you 40 something years to come to the realization that you are gay, and time to come to terms with ending your marriage and so forth. So if you think about it in that context, it's quite reasonable for it to take a year or two to readjust and feel comfortable. Second, you've already taken the biggest steps: owning your sexuality, dealing with your marriage, and taking the steps to be your authentic self. In a way, it is sort of like starting over, and it can take some time to get your bearings. What part of Virginia and what size of town? Your environment, the openness of gay people around you, and the sheer number of people around can all make a big difference in how long it takes to adjust. Also, what sorts of things are you doing to make connections? Social activities? Finding ways to meet people? It can definitely be a challenge, particularly if you're socially on the shy side. But it's definitely worth it. I think if you stick around EC more and talk about what's going on for you, you'll find it easier to take more steps in real life to find the people and resources around to help you feel wholeness in your life.
