Hello - I'm not sure if this is appropriate but I need a place to talk to people who understand. My 13 yo son told me he is gay this week. It is the sweetest cutest story, but that's not why i'm here. (although I'm dying to share...) He told be with confidence and pride, but the circumstance is weird. I have known for years that it was a possibility he was gay. (I have NOT told him this) I have always had many gay lesbian and trans friends who he has been close with. I'm sure he knew there would be no negativity from me. (he was just giggly and excited to say it) My concern is that he is in middle school and he came out because a few of his friends (girls) were grilling him about who he liked and such. I' not sure if they asked if he was gay or he told them he was. Now he is out in school, and he seems completely fine with being OUT. I encouraged him to do what is comfortable and also I tole him that not everyone would be as accepting as we are. He feels he has enough supporters that if he losesd a few friends, that' fine. I emailed the school counselor after I called a GLTB local group and talked to the youth leader. I wanted to know what the school has in place as far as policies for keeping him safe, or what education they have had. The counselor called me back all happy for my son and she said she has seen a few kids coming out in middles school the past few years and to let me know if there are any problems. SOrry I'm dragging this out, but I really don't have anyone to talk to about it right now. I am hoping he wasn't outed prematurely, but if he's handling it well, does that mean everything is fine. I'm assuming this will get around the school quickly, but he doesn't care....even relieved, saying " now when they call me 'gay' I can say 'yup'" and stuff like that. and he seems to be more popular than ever! And he loves the attention and seems to be going through a bit of a change, in a positive way. I'm so proud of him but also afraid and in slight denial. I'm also proud of myself because I taught him that being gay is something that is normal and good and healthy. I'm here if he wants to talk and he does like saying "it was fun to talk with a few girls about which guys are cute." SO I guess, it is a relief for him. So does that mean it's not premature? Thanks for reading this rambling post. I just want to be the best advocate for him as he's so young.
I'm really glad that you're approaching this in such an accepting and caring way! I'm sure a lot of us wish we had parents just like you.I'm not going to say it's going to be very easy for your son to be gay in a middle school setting. In all honesty it probably would not be a good idea for him to be completely out at this point because middle schoolers are pretty immature with this sort of thing. But if all that is said and done, then it definitely would be a good idea to get him into a LGBT group. Here in Colorado we have an organization downtown called Rainbow Alley for LGBT teens, so you should look for something just like that! Just remember he should be wary of other people, we don't live in a completely open and accepting world unfortunately :/ best of luck to you!
I really don't think it's premature at all. In my opinion, thanks in large part to you and your fabulous parenting skills, and the role models he has in his life, your son has glossed right over the more traumatic parts of being a sexual minority, apparently. The hardest part of coming out is coming out to yourself, a lot of people on EC will vouch for that. I'm sure that at some point your son is going to run into someone who won't like the fact that he's confident in his skin and sexuality, but as long as you're there to support him I think he'll be just fine. It's important to keep an open dialogue with him. Some LGBT people come out and feel disappointed, because they feel like their parents sweep it under the rug, if you know what I mean, by not ever discussing it. I think that by keeping him around your LGBT friends, you'd be doing him a really great service. He's going to need role models that are just like him, someone to look up to, someone to emulate. Take him to a pride parade when he's older, or get him some young adult LGBT themed-movies or books. He's going to want to explore his sexuality now that he's out, so, if you haven't done it already, I also think it might not be a bad idea to also have someone address the gay birds and the bees at some point down the line... I know it's none of my business, but I'm curious. How did he come out to you?
It's awesome that you are a parent who supports and accepts your son for being gay. A lot of people aren't as lucky as him to have someone like you, so I think that's a good first step in helping him out. I am 22 now, but I remember middle school pretty well, and well - - kids can be brutal. I live in a part of NY that's fairly liberal, so there is not very much bullying like you hear about in the news, but still kids can be mean, and I remember a few times where gay students were picked on in middle school. In high school it actually got much better though. I would say that only he can judge if he is comfortable being out or not in his particular school. If he is, I would just try and keep a line of communication open with him, and let him know that if he has any problems with other students that he should talk to you or a counselor about it. Also if he has a bunch of friends who support him, that's great too! It sounds like he is very comfortable talk to you though, so I really think that having open communication is the best thing for him.
Hey thanks for posting. What a wonderful parent you are. I would say that you might have to be vigilant for a few rocky years ahead. Perhaps the atmosphere is different in your area, but my experience was that middle school was a tough time to be questioning sexuality. High school got a little bit better but still not great. I think that considering how proactive you seem like you are already about keeping your son safe, I think things should be okay. I cannot stress enough how much parents are the front line as far as making queer children feel safe. Reading this made me cry a little...
Kidd and Speedracing22 have given you some super awesome advice. I'll see if I can add to it. I'd speak to all his teachers. Call them up, let them know that your son has come out, that it's likely getting around school, and that you want to make sure that no one is picking on him. At the same time, you can get an update on his grades and whatnot. Two birds with one stone. You don't have to tell him you're doing this, but this is just to open a line of communication with the teachers. Plus, I think they're more likely to keep an eye on him for you, if they know you're keeping an eye on them. It would also be wise to get into the habit of asking him how his day was... generally speaking, especially as he grows older, he isn't going to want to talk about it. But if something is bothering him, you'll probably hear it in his voice, at which point you can be the persistent parent who drags it out of him. It might be nothing more than a straight boy he has a crush on or something, or it could be something worse, but you never know. There is nothing wrong with being an extremely involved parent. Keep an eye out for his grades dropping, if he starts becoming distant, not doing the activities that he'd normally do, he seems to have less and less friends or something of that nature. Look for signs of depression and withdrawal, and if you see anything like that, strike early. Get him talking, get him active, and in general - you're a great parent, so I'm sure you won't have trouble figuring out what you need to do. The fact is, he's likely to face some bullying. However, thanks to your great parenting skills, he seems extremely comfortable in his own skin. This is fantastic, as it'll make it easier for any insults or taunts hurled at him to just roll right off his back. The more support he has, the more love he has, the better off he'll be. I also agree with getting him involved in gay youth groups, if possible. This is fantastic, as he'll get a chance to meet other kids his age who can identify with whatever he is experiencing, and of course, he's probably going to want to start dating when he gets a little bit older. The more gay boys he's exposed to the bigger the pool he has to select from... Other than the above, he should be fine. It's just like raising any other kid. I also find myself in agreement with Kidd. I think it's about time to have the gay Birds and the Bees talk with him. If he's old enough to realize that he's gay, then he's old enough to start experiencing sexual desires. Safe sex. Drill it into him. He'll probably want to cover his ears, and shut his eyes with embarrassment, but it's important to hit him with the information anyway. Make it clear to him that just because he's gay and boys can't get pregnant that it isn't an excuse not to use a condom. No excuse whatsoever. Print out a bunch of helpful information that you've reviewed. Give it to him to read after talking to him, since he might be too embarrassed to ask you questions. Do some follow ups. Honestly, the more you talk about it with him, the less embarrassing and difficult to talk about it will be for you both. Oh, and something you might not have thought of... while there may be many kids who will be your sons friend and super supportive of him, you might want to keep your eye open when it comes to their parents. Typical situations that you might not normally think about, might arise... For example, your son attends a sleepover at a friends house for a birthday party along with a bunch of other boys. The boys parents know your son is gay, and while all the other boys are allowed to sleep together in the bedroom, they make your son sleep alone on the couch. Because, you know, your son might turn into a sex driven maniac once the lights go out or something. Or if one of your son's friends parents don't know he's gay and overhear a conversation while he's over there... the parent might become uncomfortable or hostile, not wanting their kid to hang around your kid. Crap like that. So, just keep an eye on the parents. Like Kidd, I'd also love to hear the story about how he came out. It sounds sweet. It's always nice to hear good and happy stories - they help counteract all the negative ones.
ICU, first, if I were you I'd be looking into PFLAG (Parents, Friends and Family of Lesbians and Gays), they are an excellent support group for people in your exact position. second, kudos on taking it so well and being so supportive of your son. I've learned from EC that it's normal to go through the stages of grief, for most LGBT people before they come out, and then after for their families also - Empty Closets - Parent and Family Stages of Grief - third, I would be careful about how you go about suggesting to your son that he should be more circumspect about who he is out to, as while we understand that you just want to protect him, he *could* read that as a certain level of embarrassment or shame - if you do tell him to be more careful, you'll want to make it very clear that you are telling him so because you don't want to see him get hurt, make sure he has no confusion as to your motives or there could be some unintended hurt. overall, I think you are awesome. I think your son is lucky to have such a supportive parent.
Oh my! Thank you so very much for all the thoughtful responses and information (I'll need to take notes) I have already contacted the local LGBT youth coordinator. I found out about the PFLAG meetings. I talked to his school counselor, but I did not mention about speaking with his teachers about it. Geez, this just happened on Wednesday! AND I was sure that he understood that he could tell whomever he wants and I only wanted him to know that not everyone is as open minded and he could take his time if he wants. He is out and proud! (makes me so damn proud as well) He knows this and he certainly knows I am not ashamed at all. I wanted to call and tell ALL my LGBT friends! I asked him if he minded if I told my best friend (mother of his friends who is in a same sex relationship with their 5 kids) and another gay friend who he was close with. (I went to a BIG party Friday and saw my daughters best freinds' sister. She said "I hear "my son" is gay. Good for you for being so accepting. ANd then she told me of her BF who was never accepted by his parents and they wanted him in the closet and to get "help" for his....crap, I can feel the sadness and anger rise in me when I think that parents can shun their kids for who they are! I wish I could love every single one of you kids who have had negative experiences. and My son, the past year or so has had some serious emotional problems. Hospitalized and breifly medicated. I have had to be very proactive in getting him help. (and off the meds and away from his father) He has really changed in the past few months, for the positive, but still he gives me a lot of shit when he's angry (mostly at his dad) and when he is calm he tells me he says mean things to me because he can't say them to his dad, but today he called me a "stupid f**k" for touching his xbox games. (I was moving them to make room) I believe it's his was of testing me and it really bums me out, because of course, I cannot tolerate being spoken to like that. But he shuts me out, and pushes me away just when I know he has things to say to me. Oh well, I dealt with it without anger, but with disappointment and consequence. (no computer or xbox 3 days, and we'll have to mention it to his therapist.) AND he's been wanting to hang out with me. Damn, I love that kid, but he can't talk to people that way! Ok - his coming out conversation. Maybe some background first. I was ready for him to say something in 5th grade. He is very good looking, smart, and the girls LOVE him. He has lots of guy friends. He never talked about girls other than they really bug him and they all touch him and ask him who he likes. I would tell him to say it's personal. Then he told me he liked someone, I was prepared for it to be a boy, but it was a girl. She later ended up calling him gay and he was devastated. He said he didn't mind being called gay, but he wasn't. I would just say that whatever he is, is fine. (ps, when I ask him about that crush a few days ago, he stated "yeah, she had nice shoes." and we laughed, becuase she actually has really big boobs. !! ok - last week he got out of his therapists office and we got into the car. We always listen to podcasts and he turned it off and said he had to tell me something. Then he turned it back on, "forget it" and he was giggly and red faced and he went back and forth turning it on and off. I said it looked like he really wanted to tell me so just go for it. He asked if I could guess. (btw, the first thing I thought was that he was gay, but I didn't say it) so I said "you look happy and you're blushing, so I guess that...you like someone." He laughed, which made me laugh, and I was getting worried about him. His face was red and I thought maybe he was going to cry...all the while I was driving, so I asked if I should pull off the road. He said "I'm gay" very quickly. I put my hand on his and thanked him for telling me. He said he wanted to tell me for 2 weeks, after he told a couple of girls at school. I asked him how that came about and he said she grilled him...I didn't ask for details. He was in the best mood, and we both were laughing and he was telling me about the burden of his friends asking him why he wasn't going with any of the girls he was friends with. The conversation was totally natural, without hesitation or shame on his part. I tried not to ask him too many questions. I did say "you know, you can love whoever you want. No one has to be in a box and many people like boys and girls." I told him that many gay guys have sex with women and still are gay. He said he knew that and then said "mom, I like dudes." and I smiled and said "that's cool, just letting you know that you can love whomever you want. We then went to the drugstore, but before that we hugged and his hug was full of pride and happiness. So beautiful, and I wanted to cry for his bravery and a million other thought about what he's been feeling. I DID NOT SHED A TEAR because I didn't want him to think I was sad about it at all. Plus, all the while he was so happy. We spoke of many things and he was very insightful, yet still so innocent. (as he should be at 13) I told him some people will think he doesn't know if he's gay because he's never had sex. He laughed at the ridiculousness of that and said "before you have sex you have to know who you want to have sex with!" I of course agreed with the ridiculousness of that. here's the cutest... I said "you must feel relieved to have told me" and he laughed "yeah, now just the rest of the world." and that's when we talked about any fears he had. He asked how his dad might take it, he said he wanted to tell his sister (I wish I could have been there because I heard he just blurted it out. We had a little family meeting the next day.) When I talked to his sister she said "I told you!" and I told her not to say anything unless he asks. He has shared many things about how he's handled things at school. Like one of his friends drew a picture of him (they draw each other a lot) and under it said "homosexual" and my son thought it was cool. My daughters' fears were that he would get beat up, bullied, kicked out of the house, commit suicide or turn to prostitution. Sadly we all know that is a reality for some kids, but I assured her that doesn't happen to kids who are supported. My son laughed, actually we have been laughing a lot and my son says that since he has come out he is much funnier. I've also noticed he is MUCH more popular, which is good because he needs the support because I know a few of the families, and he will certainly lose a few friends (which he says is no loss.) I spent the next day just crying. Not out of sadness, but because he's growing up. AND he'll be dating boys and they can be such a pain! LOL And I want him to be safe from violence. And he's handling it so well, because the last few years I;ve felt like I;m doing such a poor job parenting, (divorce, financial problems, my depression, an impossible ex) But I realized that I didn't do so bad after all. It makes me cry now... The kid is still punished, but I'll be hanging out with him. I hope this wasn't too fragmented as I have come back to this so many times as I have been doing other things. I wish the best for all of you!
I think you are doing fantastic ICU. I'm very glad that you were able to punish him for his misbehavior; I was worried that you might be reluctant to do so when I first started reading. I think it's really important to treat him no different than you'd treat his sister or that you'd treat him if he were straight. (You don't want to create a situation in which his sister feels like he's able to get away with things she couldn't simply because he was gay and you didn't want to seem like you weren't supporting him.) I'm also glad he is in therapy. I think this is super important, and hopefully he'll talk to his therapist about things he doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about. His behavior, though, is fairly typical for a teenager I think. He's testing boundaries, and of course his hormones are all over the place. Unfortunately, that's only going to get worse before it gets better. Good luck with that. :icon_bigg You're doing everything you can do. The only thing I would caution against is trying to remind him that it's okay if he likes girls too. I understand why you're saying it, he's young, as his sexual feelings continue to develop things might change... but just from your son's perspective it might sound like you're trying to hedge slightly. (In the context of: "I love you just the way you are, but if you start liking girls...") And of course his mind fills in the blanks there, because he's probably super sensitive to what you think and say - at least for right now. I can say though, I was 100% sure I was gay at a slightly younger age than him. I probably would have figured it out even sooner, had I actually known what gay was, but I did start puberty kinda early. Also, if you have a gay male friend that you can trust, it might be helpful if you'd ask him to spend some quality time with your son. I think having another gay man to look up to and discuss certain issues with would be perhaps one of the most helpful things for him. Especially, if the guy you select is comfortable talking about sex and sexuality. This can also be a place where the issue of safe sex is reenforced. There might be times in the future where things happen - things that I think a lot of guys, but particularly gay guys - can understand that might be hard to speak about with his parents. For example, he's in the gym locker room and he notices another guy from his class, and starts to wonder if the guy is checking him out. He gets turned on by the idea of changing in front of another guy who is checking him out, and OMG he starts to get an erection. He stands there doing everything he can to get rid of it telling himself, "think of my mother's pure love, think of tits, think of grandma's vagina... anything!" ...and it doesn't work. The other guy notices, laughs, or makes a joke about it to a friend, and he's humiliated. Stuff like this he isn't going to want to talk about with anyone, but he might be more inclined to open up to another gay guy that he feels he can trust and confide in regarding the issue. It's helpful though to open up about it, and have someone tell him not to worry about it, that it's normal, that there is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, etc. Then there is all the normal teenage boy stuff. "Is this as deep as my voice is going to get?" "Is my penis too small?" "What do you mean I'm not going to get any taller?!" "I want to trim the bushes so the tree looks bigger, but I'm afraid I'll cut myself!" Etc. :lol: But, most of this is normal teenage stuff. What's most important, and I think this is true for every child but this is especially important for a gay child, is that he grows to love, respect, and feel pride in himself. This way that when he does eventually face difficulties and criticisms - as he surely will in his life - those types of things will just bounce off him because he has a strong sense of who and what he is, and the negative words from others won't phase him. I think if you can do just that one thing, and do it well, any other mistakes you make along the way won't even be remembered. Once he's an adult, he'll look back and thank you, and realize that he has one of the best parents in the entire world. Your son is very, very, VERY lucky to have you. (*hug*)
Your doing a great job as a parent, ICU. When I was in Middle School, I just immediantley told my parents. They were surprised, but excepted me like u did with ur son. I have had ppl call me a 'faget' or a 'homo' but I would say: Yeah, I am. Do you have a problem with it? Then, most of the time people would just walk away. People have made dirty looks at me for it, but I look back at them smiling. I've been called every word in the book by being a lesbian, but I stayed strong.I am proud of what you have done for ur son. Kepp rocking on,from Hotbabe1
I'm glad to hear that you have handled this so well with your son. Your support, I'm sure, has been a rock for him to stand on. My hope is that if and when I am ever ready to come out, that my family would be as supportive as you have been of your son. I think that it's good that you have checked in the his counselor at school and looked into some support groups for both him and yourself. Someone else mentioned about talking about certain topics with him that might be embarrassing for the both of you, but I think that will be the best thing, which you know. I remember the night my dad had "the talk" with me. I just wanted to die. Even at 21, I am seeing now that kids seem to know more things of a sexual nature at a younger age than I did when I was their age. For example, there are some kids that I know that are like 9 and 10 years old (or younger) that I have heard them talking about masturbation and oral sex in very detailed fashion. There is even a computer game that simulates this that was discovered by my 9 year old brother and 6 year old sister. In comparison, I did not really know what masturbation was until I as about 11. When I was asked at age 12-13 if I knew what oral sex was and I can clearly remember my answer being "The sounds that a woman makes when she has sex?" You can imagine my embarassment when I found out just how wrong I was. Kids seem to be getting "involved" at younger ages. If I might suggest going beyond simply talking to him about safe sex, but being proactive in preparing him for safe sex. On my 13th birthday, my only gift from my dad was a box of condoms and $20 for more if I needed them. He did it to embarrass me (in front of my then girlfriend), but also to prepare me if the situation arose. This would of course be awkward for both of you, but I think it would be more awkward for him to walk into a drug store and buy a box of Trojans. It sounds as if you have been proactive in other areas, so that is good. You may have already taken this step, but it is just something to consider if you haven't. Presenting him with a box of condoms probably isn't going to help you with the "My baby is growing up!!!" thing. Haha. Best wishes to you both as you begin this journey. Please know how proud I am of your son for his courage...the one thing that I have yet to muster. I am also proud of you for being so loving and accepting. He is going to need that going through middle school and into high school.
I just want to say that I can only hope my family is as accepting and caring as you are when the time comes. I also know what your son means by saying " now when they call me 'gay' I can say 'yup'". I often got called gay (probably more because of the fact that I was asocial misfit) and I wish I had had his courage and positive outlook at that time. Congrats.
Wow, you are such a supportive parent and you should be so proud of your son. I am a year older than him and I'm really close to coming out to my parents but I'm worried that they won't be as supportive as you are. He, however, seems to be optimistic and sure of himself... like I say, you should be so proud of him Congratulations!
