ok, i keep getting told I'm going through a process. ok, what process? Is there a list or can you give examples to know where in the process i am? and how long does this whole processing thing take in general? I think I maybe be indeed in a starting point in a process, but i don't even know how far in i am, very start or half baked? :/
If you mean the coming out process than read this: Empty Closets - Stages of Coming Out Note that it is different for every single person and its impossible to put a time on it. Hope this link is what you're looking for
One "process" I commonly refer to is the 5 stages of loss. In this case it would be the loss of your past identity. Those stages are: Ignorance: I couldn't be trans, one weird people are like that. Anger: Where the reality of the pain hits you, and the discomfort of change direct anger towards anyone, or anything. Bargaining: Telling yourself that if you parents caught it sooner, you wouldn't be this way, or maybe this is just a phase. Depression: Telling yourself thins like "if only I wasn't born" or "nobody will ever love me this way" Acceptance: Coping with the loss, and being able to look at everything you have gone through and be ok with the outcome. (Learning to love who you are) If you are going to assign a label to things to help you solve the changes that you are going though, those are the best stages I can think of to do it with. I hope this helps a little,
I have been trying to make sense of my process of coming out since I started coming out, and in truth it is pretty messy. A series of starts and stops. I endured a decade of a combination of anger and denial and depression, and in the course of a few months I went from could never imagine myself being out and happy and thinking of killing myself and few months later to being out and happy I have made that decision. What caused this change was totally random. My point is that it is difficult to say what will be your watershed moment, but it will happen. I think that all of these processes are ways of understanding the journey, but it is a journey that you will ultimately have to take. I am not sure that labeling the processes will make it much easier because I doubt you can imagine the ones at the end -- I certainly couldn't imagine that I would one day accept myself to be gay and be out.
Thank you for the link, i read it now. ---------- Post added 29th Apr 2012 at 12:21 PM ---------- i had ignorance for years. the pain only hit me this year. :'( i am more scared, sad, and in pain then really angry, i only blame myself. I have been told by a lesbian that because i am transgender no straight person will ever want me, she showed me a clip of max telling his gf from the movie L-word. it killed me...i hate that movie now. :icon_sad: i am sadly straight transgender, i want to date, and one day get married, to opposite sex of my gender identity, i am not gay. she said i got only hope that a gay or bi will ever accept me, no straight ever will. i was crushed. thank you for your list. i am definitely not through it yet. ---------- Post added 29th Apr 2012 at 12:33 PM ---------- really? why couldn't you believe you could ever accept being gay? what were the thoughts and fears you had, and were they really realistic ones or more excuses? i have a ton. i wish i could tell you them all. i bet a few are similar, even though our issue is a little different. i am going from happy relief i came out to a friend who i know and is gay to fear dreadfully why did i go and open my big mouth!? he KNOWS!!! argh! i went and told him! he will never see me the same as before, i am stuck! what if I'm not transgender? what if there is no such thing? what if i am deluding myself? i have talked myself into believing this is true and its not, oh gosh, what have i done! then i wish i could come out to everyone, be free, be able to wear the right clothes and not fear being caught or being harassed. i want to love myself as i am, be same as everyone else i know, just get over this, marry and accept i can't ever tell anyone my dark secret, or luck out and marry a person who is okay with my pervertedness. :/ then i wish i were born in my real body, my real identity, and were normal, to be seen for who i really am, to have my real body when i look in the mirror. i want the opposite sex of my identity to look at me and see me as who my mind says i am, and be attracted to me and not think i am a freak.
Would you be happy with another transgender straight person? Because you yourself are evidence that such people exist. Anyway, there will always be people who want to be with you, it's just a matter of finding them. I think there are probably straightish people who would like a transgender partner, too.
Not to mention the fact I have a HUGE crush on a FTM transgender person who is only attracted to women... Oh well... Human beings are just a fascinating case, aren't we? We are the only species who really has the ability to cope with the complex emotions we feel. I strongly believe (and there is evidence of) other mammals that maintain long term pairings with either same sex or both sexes of their species (look at macaque monkeys.) But we are the only ones that have the ability to physically and emotionally seek aid and even change outward appearances to better reflect who we KNOW we are one the inside. We have this amazing ability of self identification, of knowing who we are, rather than just being another cog in a machine that we are slaves to (like the macaque monkeys.) They may feel different, but lack the ability to express or even know what it is that is different. We do, and that is such a blessing that we have that ability to change ourselves. You are beautiful because you are YOU. How you define who YOU are is all that really matters. I think you know who you are, and any doubts stemming from societal proclamations are simply distractions. Only YOU know who YOU are. As for finding love, it is definitely possible. It may be more difficult, but possible. I think that you will know you've found the one when they know your past and still don't care. Frankly, that is a rare lithmus test that many "normal" couples don't have access to. You are very lucky. Keep your chin up, you are doing fine. Just keep engaged in the process, and maintain an open mind, it will all improve from here.
I know several transgender men in happy relationships with women. Don't EVER believe no one will want you, that's an awful thing for someone to tell you. It's not really much more difficult than it is to find love as a gay woman.
i really like your post. very kind and well thought out. it also gives me a little hope. there has been someone who i think likes me for past year and a half. i think they got scared and confused as we have so much in common. we had similar experiences, and i honestly, humbly, think started to feel emotional and spiritual connection to me. i have reason to think so.i would want to tell this person what i have been going through, but they built up a wall. :/ funny thing is this person is only one i ever thought could be the one. i could see myself with them forever. it scared me, i wonder if it scared them too.
i don't know any transgender straight people, only me. so i don't know how i would feel. I'm guessing whoever my heart loves it will love regardless? only peeps who are really attracted to me are the opposite my birth sex. i guess from all the messages i am officially hot. i want them to stop. the ones i want idk if i can attract them. but here is hoping someday at least one of them i will. ---------- Post added 1st May 2012 at 01:47 AM ---------- you do? several? how did they manage to do that? it was such a crushing thing she said. the movie clip just made me cry. then she said guys don't cry. yeah they do. the girl in the movie, he loved her, she pulled her hand away and called him a freak. am i a freak? don't rush to say no and console me...lets think what most straight pretty girls are gonna think. a year ago i would maybe looked sideways at someone like me! i am honest. a lesbian finds another lesbian. not so easy for me. they can dress and keep their bodies as is if they please. my mind is urging strongly i adapt now. i felt something for a gay guy and a lesbian, i am messed up. i don't care what label the other person has on themselves, i just want them to see me and love me as what and who i really am...a caring, funny, loyal person with an easy to break heart. all you got to do is stab here. she did. i won't do that again.
There will be people who are attracted to you. The difficult thing is, as you transition, it will change who is attracted to you. So, you need to be prepared that it's possible that any relationship that you start prior to transition will not survive it. This is no one's fault: sexual attraction is involuntary. (This is presuming you intend to transition, obviously.) However, there are some people who's attraction will not be altered; they may identify as bisexual, or pansexual, or omnisexual, or something like that. Pansexual and omnisexual both purposely include transgender people. But there will be people who identify in a wide variety of ways who will be interested in you. In some cases, your identities may come into conflict. (Their identity is about them, not about you.) There are femmes who date butch women and transgender men. Some of them, out of respect for the transmen's identities, identify as queer instead of as lesbian. The term you want to search for is "queer femme." I am sometimes attracted to transmen, but usually only in the beginning of the transition--the effects of testosterone on the facial features make a big difference to me. Because of this, I have some misgivings about dating a transman. I don't want to start a relationship that is likely to end with me not being attracted to my partner any more.
