This is my first post to this forum… in fact, I just came across this site a few minutes ago. I am a 30-year old male and am wondering if I might be gay. Right now I am experiencing a deep depression, resulting partly from an infatuation I have with a guy and my own low self-esteem. I haven’t had a crush on a girl since I was 10. In fact, I’ve only ever had one and it occurred at that age. Almost immediately after, I started noticing guys. I’m a little person and got bullied a lot in school, so I started feeling anxiety and depression at an early age. I never told my parents what was happening- my parents used guilt as a tool and I never felt good about myself, either at home or at school. I became infatuated with guys, but I always believed it wasn’t because I wanted to be with them, but rather that I wanted to be them. I wanted to be self-confident and liked by my peers, so I got emotionally attached to several guys, none of whom ever knew it. I confided to a female teacher that I was worried I was gay, and her solution was to pray- she told me that her family was experiencing a similar trauma, in that her son had recently come out. I was convinced that being gay was wrong, and in my town the topic was considered taboo. At 18 I wanted to change… I wanted to be bigger, more confident and respected. So I joined the Marine Corps at 106 lbs. I thought I would gain all these things and be assured a straight, happy life. Also, having been raised in a very religious area, I thought that sexual thinking was a sin, so during boot camp I abstained entirely from masturbation. During my years in the Corps, one of the most traumatic experiences I had was attending the annual Marine Corps ball- without a date. I was extremely shy, always felt left-out and picked upon, and was on anxiety pills for a while. For one of my birthdays I was made to wear a shirt announcing to the world that I was still a virgin- something I still am today and for which my brother gives me a really hard time. In all these years, I have not had one thought- not even one attraction to girls. I still wonder if this is a self-esteem problem. I just assumed it was because I didn’t have any confidence in myself. After years of relative sexual numbness, last September I met a guy while traveling and spent one day with him. I was traveling in a national park and he didn’t have a car, so I offered him a tour of the area. I don’t know if it’s only because I was so desperate for a friend, but I cried a lot after leaving him. We never talked about anything profound and I don’t know if he was gay. More recently I met a guy while working at a seasonal job who is openly gay. He is attractive, self-confident, outgoing and caring- everything I want to be. I started to become emotionally attached to him- you might say dependent- a few months ago. He feels strongly about gay issues and I confided to him that I might be gay- he hugged me and had many conversations with me on the topic. Then it seemed that I couldn’t live without him. My heart broke into pieces when he started dating someone else. By fortune or misfortune, we now happen to be working another seasonal job together. I have been majorly depressed since we started a week ago. He has made it clear that he has no real interest in me. Also I think he’s tired of hearing my diatribes about whether I’m gay or not. I’ve told him about my infatuation with him and mentioned that I don’t want to be attracted, which is true. This is partly because I don’t want to be rejected by him- which, except as a friend- I already have been, and also because I don’t want to be rejected by my ultra-conservative family and friends for being gay. What I don’t know, however, is if I’m attracted to him per se, or if I just want to be him... he represents everything I wish I was, and I compare myself a lot. It’s gotten to the point that I fall to pieces whenever I see him talking to another guy and I can’t stand the prospect of having different days off. Is this a crush? Or is it a dependence problem? I wish I could just be OK with myself, but I have so much anxiety I can’t relax when alone or in a social setting. I’m wondering if this is this a case of being gay or just a case of being so dissatisfied with who I am that I can’t feel anything for girls? Incidentally, the girls which have offered me this kind of affection in my life have not had this effect on me. In this case, however, my co-worker’s affection is simply solidarity with a common cause- it’s not, in the least, an attraction to me. I don’t know if I can handle being gay- it just means rejection all around. I’ve only ever told a handful of people that I even suspect it. I never said anything at all while I was in the service and even some of the people who know me best don’t have a clue that I’m thinking about this. My parents have already expressed that being gay is really “sad”- but this has always been in reference to others. They don’t know what’s happening with me. So how can I be sure what this is? I have to figure it out or I’m going to go crazy. I don’t want to be alone anymore. Thanks in advance for your feedback.
First off, welcome to EC Well, I'm going to give you only my personal opinion on this, so I don't know if it'll be helpful at all, but here I go. I think that not having any attraction to girls is not a self-esteem problem. I mean, when you are attracted to someone, you simply are. Ok, you may not have a self confidence to make the first move and you can keep your attraction to them inside, but if you don't feel anything towards them, I think there's nothing to talk about. Maybe you are scared to fully admit that you're gay because of the gay-unfriendly surroundings and maybe because of that you think that having no attraction to girls is a self-esteem problem. I totally understand that. Now try not to think about what other people think and how they would accept you, just imagine that the place you live in is totally gay friendly. How would you feel now about being with a guy? Would you be checking out girls? Hope I've helped a bit, I'm sure that someone else will add some more advice. Good luck
Let me reiterate what was already said, and say hello, and welcome to Emptyclosets, this is a very safe place to express and discover who you are. Let me restate something that you already said, that I find fundamentally crucial, it was that your parents raised you in a household full of guilt. However, there is a huge difference between guilt, and shame, the difference being, you are a bad person, and you are a good person and you did something bad. From how things sound to me there is allot of shame in your life, and that is something you have to battle with every day. Sexuality is a spectrum, not a definite thing, it is when we love ourselves and respect ourselves enough to explore and and discover who we are that our place on that spectrum becomes more clear. To me it definitely sounds like you are "not straight", and it also sounds like you are pretty certain of that as well. Shame is an ugly gremlin that we all struggle with, and the only people that do not have no capacity for human emotion, so you are not alone, because you dont see to many sociopaths out there that often. It wears two very obvious faces when it talks to us, they are: You are not "enough" (smart enough, skinny enough, straight enough, tall enough, ect) and if you are able to get past that it is: Who do you think you are? (I know your dad never loved you, I know you dont really believe that, you lying to everyone you meet, ect). As humans, our experience is all about connection. Bio-neurologically that is how we are set up, ect. However, Shame, this emotion we all possess, is unraveling to connection, and it gives us the feeling of isolation and fear. So it is easy to feel alone and anxious all the time! Perhaps the question you should ask is a personal one, "how can I love myself?", and remember that change always happens when the discomfort of how things are become greater then the fear of changing. Having a foundation first to come off of is an easy place to start. The world will take you at your own estimate, so please, think highly of yourself. You are worthy of love and belonging, and you struggle for worthiness is not something you have to suffer with alone. Sending my love,
You are probably gay. Everything you describe points to that. And that's okay. It's not a bad thing to be gay. Likewise, it's okay to be a virgin. Having sex doesn't change who you are, or make you any more of a man. It just means you've had sex.
In my personal experience this isn't how this works. I can't quite sum it up, but the way I experienced low self-esteem/depression... If it gets so bad you don't want sex, you don't want ANYONE, you don't want to think about it, you just don't "get" it. And if it doesn't get this bad, you're still attracted to people, even if you don't think you're "worthy" of them. At least that's how it worked for me, IANAD, YMMV and all that.
(*hug*) If self-esteem issues cause homosexuality, then why do we have so many homosexuals who don't have self-esteem issues? And why do we have so many heterosexuals who DO have self-esteem issues? The two are connected in you only by the fact that they are both part of your personal experience. One did not, cannot, cause the other. I want to encourage you to seek professional help with this - you sound, almost word for word, like some of the young men I've known when I was a part of the ex-gay community - but guess what? Being gay is not a bad thing! It's nothing to be ashamed of! GOD made you, and HE loves you, and HE is infallible, right? So WHY would GOD have ever made or allowed a mistake to happen when creating such a integral part of who you are? The answer is, it's NOT a mistake!!! YOU are a beautiful, strong, unique person - and which one of your straight friends do you think would have survived the experience that you have gone through, of self-denial, attempting to change something so integral to their persons? The fact that you HAVE survived, that you are still here seeking answers, says that YOU are one of the strongest people this world knows. Did you know that there are gay couples who get together and stay together for 20+ years, all the way until death-do-they-part? And they raise families together and have their white picket fences, and they keep up with the Jones', and they live fulfilled lives. It's not all like the religious right paints it at all. I firmly believe that God still handpicks our soul mates, even for us lesbians and gays - but how are you going to meet your soul mate, the man that God has hand-picked for you to marry, for the two of you to share the most intense and meaningful romance of your life and to build your family and grow old together, if you are hiding in the closet?!? Yes, there is a lot to loose by coming out of the closet when you are from a right wing community. Do you have any friends that you can count on to be your emotional support if you were to come out? Perhaps you could look into joining a support group for LGBT persons, one that will respect your right to choose your own timing (even if that means never!) as regards to coming out of the closet but that will maybe form that support network so that if you DO decide to come out, the potential cost of lost friends or ostracization won't be AS prohibitive. Finally, (*hug*) you are not alone with this, not really. You have supporters all over the world right now, rooting for you. Certainly all of us on EC already love you, and want to see you happy, fulfilled, free. Drop by and visit on my wall if you need anything else, I definitely want to be a support to you. I know what it's like to be full of self-doubt, self-hate, and fear, to be hurting and confused. But with the right supports, the right friends, the right help, you will find that there is no reason to doubt, no reason to hate, no reason to fear - and every reason to love - exactly the person that God made when He choose to make YOU, exactly as you are. NOTE: if you're not religious, sorry. I'm just showing how religion can be used to argue both ways, so if the religious people from your family and from your youth think that they can judge you on the basis of religion, you have some arguments to throw back in their faces.
Wow… thanks everyone for the posts. I guess what I have is a self-esteem problem, rooted largely in my inability to accept being gay. On a personal level, it’s no longer so much for religious reasons- I questioned the belief system I was being taught even in my teens. It may be because my parents weren’t really teaching it to me- I was sent to church on Sundays and my mother’s best friend taught me about faith. She has always been one of my greatest supporters- like a second Mom- and I’m terrified of what she’ll think if I tell her I’m gay… I already know she considers it a sin. My parents aren’t very religious, but they are conservative and my Mom doesn’t really agree with homosexuality. I tested the waters a little bit when I home a month or so ago- I told her a story about a friend who was gay. Needless to say, the response wasn’t positive. Also, the thinking in my hometown is that homosexuality is something people choose and can change- I spent my life working off of this premise and now I am in the pits of despair. A lot of folks I know are or were in the military. Many of my friends on Facebook are service members- I worry about how they’ll react. I feel like coming out might means losing friends and even part of my family, so I have to be 100% certain first. I can’t imagine writing this on Facebook. I’m tired, though, of putting up fronts all the time. I worry so much about what people think of me that I become a noticeable nervous wreck each time I’m around people. I feel like I have twenty different identities. I often wonder which one is authentic. Some people find me humorous, others think I’m negative… regardless, I know I’m pretty inward-focused, which is something I’d like to change. I can hardly enjoy anyone’s company or any experience anymore because I’m always worried about what others think. I know that I have to learn to happy the way I am… that the world does not create, but rather mirrors my own self-image… but that seems easier said than done. Also I keep wondering, are these feelings for my co-worker based on attraction or admiration and even envy? And then, how can I overcome them since a relationship with him is impossible? I don't let myself fantasize about him... even though I think I might have once. If it’s really a crush, is it normal? Or am I infatuated only because I want to possess his qualities? I really wish I was him... he's funny, believes in himself and, as a result, he takes center-stage at work and makes friends easily... I, on the other hand, feel excluded at every turn. I'm sure it's the lack of confidence and negative vibes I'm sending out. It’s all tearing me apart. I’ve been a mess for a long time over this… and he even knows it. This week is the worst, however- I got violently ill and can barely eat or sleep. As for friends that can support me in this, I have a few who I know are OK with homosexuality… but he’s the only one that’s physically around right now. And I think my feelings for him are clouding my ability to cope with this… it’s almost as if his presence reminds me that I might be gay, which is traumatizing me, and yet I want to be with him all the time and fall apart when he doesn’t come around. I’m terrified of being alone forever… I’ve never had a real relationship with anyone. I have always believed myself unworthy of it… I couldn’t hold relationships with girls for even a few weeks and, well, I never allowed myself to do anything with a guy. I guess I’ve been equating being gay with being rejected and alone. Certainly my most recent experiences have only seemed to confirm that. I probably do need professional help and am taking steps to find it. Until the past year, I would have denied unequivocally that I was gay… I used to get angry with people who insinuated it. Now it seems that it could actually be the case… and probably 100%. I’ve tried to change it again and again… but even a life-long abstinence from sex hasn’t been enough. And the discomfort of things as they are is definitely very great right now. I have to do something because, if I continue on this path, I feel something worse could befall me. How do I start to accept myself as a scrawny 30-year old who becomes emotionally enamored with guys who present all the qualities I wish I possessed? And then, for my own health, how do I stop becoming emotionally enamored with the wrong people?
I know that I had very similar feelings growing up. I was always pretty overweight and always felt ostracized by others. And when I found myself attracted to men, I just explained to myself that I just wanted to be them, not be with them. To an extent this was true, but that explanation was never really adequate. I wanted both. I think that we always kind of know that we're gay, but at different stages of development, we try to find different ways of explaining this attraction away. At age 8 it was "I really want to be his friend" to age 16 and "I really wish I looked as hot as that" (just think about that last statement for a second...) In the end, I still live by the question my doctor asked me: "When you masturbate, do you think about men or women?" When I had to think about my answer before responding, I think the question was answered for me.... The difficulty is being able to accept the truthful answer to that question. You're on your way! Good luck!
Learn to love yourself first and formost no matter who you are. Then everything else will fall into place. Love will happen when you reach this goal. Its all about being happy with yourself.
jtmc, I will post more later, but I think you should look at this page: Frequently Asked Questions - Beyond Ex-Gay it's strictly for ex-gay survivors, which I think you may be one. they have some great suggestions for getting through this, and great resources. the community support on EC is like none other so I wouldn't trade it, but the beyondgay FAQ especially is something I think you might be interested to read. and maybe some of the testimonies up on their site. you might start to see some of similarities I mentioned noticing. you need to know you are not alone. and that there is nothing wrong with you. *hugs*
argh I meant the beyondexgay FAQ. and now I can't edit for some reason :/ oh well I'm sure you know what I mean.
Caoimhe Fayre..just wanted to let you know that your first post on this forum here touched me in so many ways..I'm going through a difficult time with my sexuality as well and your words about surviving and being strong and god making no mistakes..I cried. Thank you.
Low self esteem can cause people to not feel they're worthy of love from anyone. They are really unlikely to feel attracted to people of the same sex. As others have said, everything in your post points to your being gay. And the self-esteem issues are often heavily tied in with shame. Given your religious background and shame about masturbating, let alone sex, it would be completely understandable that you'd have self esteem issues, but if you add to that the idea that you might be gay, which would go against your religious beliefs, that would add even more to your shame and self-esteem issues. The good news is, shame goes away as we open up to it and talk about it. There's nothing wrong with being gay. There's nothing wrong with masturbating. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a boyfriend to love and to have sex with. But your religious beliefs and the values you learned may be at conflict with that, so as you work on yourself, those issues will slowly come around and improve.
