I've always been a pessimist. It's just my nature, and I know it's not a very good one. I've battled with bouts of depression and taken things in my life in the most negative direction possible, perhaps simply in fear that the positive would be too positive. I dislike myself for it, but I've not defeated it yet. It's an ongoing battle. I also think it might be a reason for me to not feel comfortable with myself. I guess it's just that I'm not really sure how I'm allowed to act...does that even make sense? I've known my sexuality since I was 12, and I grew quietly accepting of it soon afterward. But it was never something I could comprehend being public about. I was always shy growing up (Something I feel I'm a good bit better with now) and I just started keeping a lot of things to myself. This felt like the type of thing I should, though I probably based it more on the open bullying I saw other people endure for being gay in school. I was a coward. I am a coward? I don't know. I feel I should of done so much more when I was younger to help others, and I didn't. So I felt shame. Shame, regret, and pent up emotion. But I'm rambling. Back to the point, I'm a bisexual. My tendencies will swing back and forth sometimes, but I know it's what I am. I've had a desire to come out since I was young, but I've also kind of seen it as something I have never needed to be open about. Because to those that have such an active hatred for things they consider out of their interpretation of the norm...why give them fuel to the fire? They wouldn't accept me as I am, and would question further what that even was. The media has instilled it in my mind that it's a black and white issue. There are homosexuals, there are heterosexuals. The media world and public world rarely bothers with the term bisexual. So yes, I was led to believe coming out couldn't possibly do any good. It's something that still bothers me. Through watching people receive such grief for who they were and not wanting to receive such grief for who I was, my desire to come out was suppressed. I hid it away, more and more every day. But I never did a good job of it. Certain online things through the years were very poorly hidden, whenever they came up it made me frantic. To the point I feel I was being obvious in trying to deny, deny, deny. If only I'd just said 'So what?' I feel a lot of grief could of been saved. If I'd just admitted it was me and I didn't care what they thought. But I cared so much. So I stayed in the closet and became more obsessive with distancing myself from things that would set off alarms in people. It got to the point that I wasn't positive I was ever really being myself, and I started to wonder who I really was. That was the gist of high school for me. I never got the courage to come out, and I gradually feared the shear idea of it more and more. All the while believing both that it wouldn't be a big deal, and that it was some how the biggest deal in the world. I made such little sense. I wouldn't be rambling and ranting here if I'd stopped making such little sense either. Finishing high school I'd finally had enough, however. Someone had to know. I'd become rather good friends with someone that I believed was in the closet themselves. The signs were there, but I'd never known for sure. Not that it really mattered their sexuality, I just found kinship in them as a person. That would just be an extra thing to relate with him. I remember the situation very well. We were out driving and the conversation somehow led to sexuality. They seemed to be trying to tell me what they were gay, but were having trouble actually outright saying it. So I decided it would help if I shared first. I never really imagined what a big relief it would be for me. I broke down, I just felt such joy being able to say it to someones face. Not having to feel the need to hide. I'm not sure he felt it was as big a deal as I acted it was, but it did allow him the comfort to tell me he was gay. We discussed such things after as well, but it was truly beyond that. We were kindred spirits. Then things became complicated, but probably not in the way you'd think. We got along terrifically, he was the only person I'd ever come out to (at least face to face) and he was a rather good looking guy. I know where it sounds like it's going. By default I'd try to start a relationship, try to be with him. Because it made sense, because I'd hidden so much for so long, because it would allow me to explore a side of me that was so repressed. But I didn't feel the need too. I didn't want too. I didn't want to destroy the only person I felt I could confide such things in. So I didn't. But regardless, things would become complicated. It was a few years later that he had advanced so quickly to his own acceptance. To his own happiness and understanding. While I had not. But still, when he wanted me to go to a gay club with him...I figured what was the harm? That could only be a good experience, right? Maybe it should have been. But it wasn't. It became a scenario where I felt that I couldn't be myself again. Surrounded by people that were so open and happy to be themselves it was all too much. I became horrified at the idea that they wouldn't accept me for being bisexual, for still being different. That it would just be another group of people bigoted against me. In a way I feel that I was right in my presumptions. In more ways I feel that I was wrong. At the time it felt as if they were all judging me, picking me apart like a piece of meat, and people had come up to me in a drunken slur telling me that I didn't belong there. I felt so hopelessly rejected from a place that I'd hoped I could finally be me. In a way it was my fault. I wasn't being myself there, I was nervous and shy and worried. Also I just didn't have the looks that people would be magnetized to in a positive way. I had no confidence, and it showed. Those needing their own boost could pick me apart and get away with it. So they did, and I took it personally and entered a great depression. Believing I couldn't be accepted by women for my desires toward men, and couldn't be accepted by men for my desires toward women. This is a belief that still aches and haunts me, consumes me. I still believe that bisexuals are believed by many to be indecisive cheaters that can't make up their minds and should be rejected by all. It's made me feel alone, feel worthless, and feel like I should be hiding with both groups. Straight to one group of people, Gay to the other. Again I didn't know who I really was, and I was afraid to be that person. I didn't know what to do. This battle continued on for two and a half years before I actually moved in with my friend that I confided in. I figured at worst it would be a time in my life that I could finally grow as a person, finally start to be myself 24/7, and deal with all of the insecurities that I'd been battling with for a decade. And I was right. I started to really get in tune with myself, and my confidence raised. I was less shy. Slowly but surely, I was becoming myself no matter where I was. I still wasn't capable of actually speaking that I was a bisexual, and I still wasn't sure how to represent myself at the club, but I carried myself better. I was starting to really understand how to be me, and work toward accepting that on a full time basis. I'd like to think that if I could succeed in being myself 24/7 I'd have a better answer to my parents and friends when they furiously question why I'm 'willingly living with an openly gay man'. But I never could. I'd defend it, and scoff at them for their bigotry, but I wouldn't tell them that I was bi. I'd tell them it didn't bother me, and that it shouldn't bother them, but I didn't outright say it. I was still deep in the closet, afraid of being disowned and crippled socially. That's still one of my fears to this day. This January I made some further development. That being that I finally did something sexual with another guy. I was petrified of the idea, but it was with someone I'd been flirting with rather persistently for awhile. It was someone I wanted to impress. Not to mention I wanted to prove to those that doubted my sexuality (aforementioned roommate in particular). Probably a lot of it had to do with proving to myself that I actually liked guys as well. Suffice to say I did. It felt like a revelation in being me. I finally felt I was going to be able to own myself, and I'd grow. Then negatives started happening. Left and right, everything in my life started to go wrong. I lost major opportunities, family, jobs, relationships, and as of tomorrow my apartment. The sanctuary that I'd been able to grow in and further become myself will be gone, and I'm afraid I'll be lost. That I'll regress and return to hiding with where I'm headed in the meantime (To my parents, a far cry from all the new friends and relationships I'd started. From there I don't know, but it won't be a place I have someone to go to clubs with and the like.) So, getting to the point of this post before I started divulging my life story for some reason, I'm worried. I want to exit the closet completely and be me, but I don't think I can. I don't want to be disowned, and I don't want to be disregarded and thought less of for not being gay or straight. For being incapable of loyalty. It's just not true. I don't really know what to do. I was hoping someone here could help...any advice is appreciated. Letting this off my chest is a bit of relief in and of itself, I don't think I've ever typed it all up before. It's nice. I really do hope being part of this community can help me. Thanks for taking the time to read the post, if you do.
Despite what you may think or feel, you've come very far. The fact that you're so introspective and honest about your life is great. I can relate to you a lot. Although I'm not bisexual, I've also had struggles learning to be comfortable with myself and although its become much better, I still struggle a bit. Remember to do things on your terms first and accept yourself, pleasing others first before yourself can be counterproductive when at the end of the day you're not better off. Sorry to hear about all your losses. Sounds proper hectic! Are there any close family or friends you can speak to? All the best, bud.
Thank you for that, though I'm still not sure I believe I'm doing a very good job truly being me...especially considering how long I've been battling with these issues. I guess it might have a lot to do with the fact I've always had issues of putting what I think of myself before what others may think of me. Judging myself based off what others think of me is stupid to the degree I do it, but I can't help myself sometimes. As far as family and friends goes...kind of? My roommate is the only person I've told about my sexuality, but by virtue of him others have come to know about it. I don't feel incredibly comfortable talking to them about it, though. As far as the roommate is concerned I'm not convinced he even views it as an issue. Ever since he's come to be open about himself he believes anything but to be bizarre and pointless. I guess it's him trying to be helpful, but it doesn't come off as such. As far as family goes...I'm pretty sure my mom suspects, but it's something I deny adamantly. I'm not convinced I wouldn't be disowned with how they talk and their culture. My younger brother knows, but he's never been trustworthy. It's not something I really want to talk to him about.
I've had similar issues with my family. I've noticed that often our families definitely know or have their suspicions about our sexualities but they either deny it heavily or just put it at the back of their minds, which ends up making things that much harder. Ah Life...
I can understand that. For a few reasons I think they might be aware, all stemming from when I was younger. The first involved painting my room and moving things around. The next time I went in it some...pictures...I'd been hiding were sitting out on my dresser. I don't know how they'd of gotten there otherwise, or what they must of thought. Around the same time I swear I must of had a very vivid dream in which I came out to my mom. It must of been a dream because absolutely nothing seemed to change afterward, and I've been asked about my sexuality since. I kind of assume they believe me to be gay, but they're aware I've been in relationships with girls. So I don't really know what to tell them. They've displayed homophobic tendencies in the past, but any inquiry about my sexuality hasn't been judgmental or anything. I guess I just think I should be able to own it for once. But it's the same issue it's always been. Gossip runs rampant and it's a small, small-minded community. One person knows, everyone knows.
Welcome to EC! Let's move off sexuality for a minute. Are there other aspects of your personality that you keep hidden? Do you lie about what books you like to read, movies you like o watch, hobbies you have? Because you don't want to be judged by others? And let me ask the big question. If it's a small, small-minded community where gossip runs rampant, and you've lost major opportunities, jobs, family, friends, and your apartment...why are you still there? Lex
To an extent, yes. I've sort of become two different people depending on who I'm with. When I'm with those that I know will judge me for certain aspects of my personality I tend toward hiding those aspects from them. That mentioned, I've been working on eliminating that as a defense mechanism. It causes me more grief then good, and I'd rather just be the same person to everyone 24/7. I've made some progress to that degree. As for the other question? Because of those things I've lost I don't have the finances to leave. That's about the only reason why I'm still here. Also thanks for the welcome!
Well, let me fornt a couple of ideas by you. First, what's the harm in starting to let the real CDS out? You've tried keeping him under wraps, leading a double life. But it doesn't seem you have much to show for it. It'd be one thing if you lived the lie, and everyone thought you were the bee's knees. But you don't have the acceptance of your peers OR the enjoyment of living as you. And you should at least have one of those, yes no? So idea number one. Start letting the real CDS out to play more. You don't have to start with your sexuality. Start with your generic likes and dislikes. Make a long list (100+ items) of things you like. Jazz music, shopping at the candy store, film noir, the smell of sandalwood, swimming laps, jeans with holes in the knee, pancakes for dinner, cup stacking. Then...go like them. Go REALLY like them. Fill you shelves with jazz CDs, and become a regular at iHop every night. Let yourself like this shit. Don't are what anyone thinks. If anyone asks, own it. "I love having pancakes for dinner, so I decided to eat at iHop a few times a week." Will they think it's odd? Possibly/probably. So the fuck what? You're an adult. You're allowed to do what the fuck you want. Second idea. Start formulating a long-range plan. Operation GTFO. Get a budget going, look into other places you might like to live, visit them if you'd like, and just do it. Lex
Hi CDS. I second what Lex says. Just from the way you write, I'd say you're well educated, or at least pretty smart. You're definitely capable of getting where you want to go and doing what you want to do, and looking after yourself. it might take some time, and, yes, it will take some nerve. I'm lucky to live in an area that's very LGBTQ friendly. I'm sorry you feel stuck in a narrow-minded community and I hope you find a place more like here.
Hey CDS. I want to second what Lex told you. It's some really good advice. However, I also want to share something I've learned along the way on my own journey. I identify with a lot you've said, but what I really noticed the most - what really hit home - was your self-negativity. You are very hard on yourself and unfairly critical. I was the same way. I'd look at myself and pick myself a part. I'd find fault and failure in everything I did; even the things that others admired. I had absorbed so much negativity from others in my life that it had become imbued into my being. It was hard. I actually came out to my mother in my early twenties at the urging of some online friends. They thought it would help me, and while my mother still loved and accepted me, she really wasn't ready to deal with it... and even more importantly, neither was I. It was pretty much never mentioned again, only eluded to slightly. I could have come out then and lived my life openly, but I couldn't because I didn't accept myself. If there is one thing I've learned, and I am nearly thirty years old now, is that the one person that needs to accept you; the one person that you need to love you the most - is yourself. If you can't love who you are, if you can't accept it, how can you expect others to accept it? How can you deal with it if they don't? This is why I think Lex's idea is so good. Don't focus on being bisexual. You've hidden so much about yourself. Start smaller. Gradually become the real you, because I don't think you've really given yourself the opportunity to explore your identity - not as a bisexual man - but as a human being. I would also recommend seeking therapy. I think that will really help you as well. First, it'll help you to talk and be open about things. Second, I think talking to someone about it face to face will help you better discover yourself. You're also probably dealing with some other emotional issues as well that they can help you work through. Here is an e-hug. (*hug*) You seem like a wonderful, insightful, and thoughtful person. Though things are tough now, you have a long and wonderful life ahead of you. You just need to put your feet on the right path.
Forgot to add this part. I'm in southern California for my 20-year college reunion. My classmates and I were a bit surprised that at this late date, we had a classmate who just came out. Our school has always been open and inclusive. Plus, several of my classmates have come out, and at this reunion, it seemed all of us had long-term partners. This guy had always been kinda quiet and shy, too - I didn't really get much gay vibe from him at all. He apparent came out recently - within the last six months or so. And I didn't recognize him. Yeah, he was older, greyer, a bit fatter - most of us are. But he greeted me with a big hug - I don't think I ever so much as shook his hand before. He was smiling, laughing loudly, chatting with everybody. He didn't resemble at all the quiet shy guy I went to school with. When I DJed the big reunion dinner last night, he was the first one on the dance floor and the last to leave. Dancing like a fool to every song, with guys, girls, or alone if nobody else wanted to dance just then. One of my friends made a slightly snarky comment about him. The guy didn't hear. And even if he had, I don't think he woud've cared. He was too busy dancing and having a good time. Lex
I appreciate the advice that's been shared. For the most part it really resonates with me. Some of it relates to things I've already pondered and tried (but failed) to implement in my life. But some is a fresh take...and it has me thinking positively. I've never wanted to be the person that believes sexuality is such a grand issue that it can control and tame who a person really is, but gradually that's become nothing but the truth as it relates to me. I've spent countless hours critiquing myself, demeaning myself, and doubting myself. I've robbed myself of great opportunities due to lack of confidence and what I can only describe as fear of unknown success. I've failed to be me, and momentarily lost my identity. It's partially to blame with my own intense insecurities related with being bisexual, but it does extend to my insecurities being me in general. Owning up to all the things I enjoy and embracing them. How can I be comfortable with anything if I'm not comfortable with myself? I've been tired of being the shy, insecure, uneven pushover seeking acceptance while living in part a lie. It's depressed me and defeated me in the past. I don't know what changed early this morning, but I'd had enough and felt the need to seek help. I'm kind of kicking myself for not seeking it earlier. Still I worry that this is a brief glimpse at honesty in my personality. A brief moment I feel the drive to do the things I so desire to do, and that it's fleeting. That sooner or later I'll return to old habits, become two different people, and not recognize the real me. I suppose therapy would help keep me on the path, but therapy isn't something I can afford unfortunately. All of my budget and planning at the moment are for my exit from this area. Even though that exit fills me with a certain level of anxiety. Abandoning all levels of comfort for a new area is always worrisome, I'd suppose especially so for one lacking confidence such as myself. Still, it's a starting point and a helpful one. There's a happy ending if I take the time to work it out, it's just something I need to put a further effort into. Hopefully it's something I can achieve. Again, still, thank you for the advice and kind words thus far. I really, really appreciate it.
CDS - You might make some of the mistakes I did. Let me give you some additional advice. Don't focus too much on the end goal. If you're like me you'll become fixated on it and not the path to get there. The moment you start running into obstacles, your motivation will start to falter. The key around this is to break things into tiny achievable goals, while keeping the destination in the back of your mind. And don't let yourself become fixated on things being perfect - things will never be perfect. Instead, congratulate yourself on what you do achieve, and don't rip yourself apart over what you don't. I think you should create a journal. It'll help you organize and arrange your thoughts. You don't have to post in it daily, though that might help. I suggest you post it somewhere online where it can't easily be read by your family. EC has a blog feature that might work for that function, check the blue menu bar at the top of the screen (where it allows you to search, log out, has the FAQ, etc.). Click on the little down arrow for the blogs, select your blog. From there you can make your first post by using the menu on the left hand of the screen. I suggest using the suggestions Lex gave you. However, instead of trying to create a list of 100+ things right away, start with just a handful. Don't even list the big things. You should be able to accomplish these things easily; using his suggestions it can range from listening to the type of music you like to eating breakfast food for dinner. Your goal is to do one of the things you list per week. As well, as new things come to you add them to your list. If you decide later that, say, getting that Jheri Curl sounded really great at the time, but now you're just not feeling it anymore - just remove it from the list. No harm, no foul. On the other hand, if you want the damn Jheri Curl because your making it your personal mission to bring back the 80's with a punk flare, then you rock it. And tell anyone who doesn't like it to kiss your fucking hot pink Jheri Curl ass. (Though, I will ask you kindly never to get a hot pink Jheri Curl - you must promise me at least this much. I swear to you, that if you do, I will hunt you down and snatch that ugly weave right off your head. :lol Anyway, your goal is to do one thing you list per week. If you feel like doing more, great. If you can do it more than one time, and you do - that's also great. Though, doing it only once is enough. What happens if you don't do it? Nothing. Don't beat yourself up. Don't hate yourself for failing. Pat yourself on the back for trying, and set it as a goal for your next week. If you think it's to hard, pick something else from your list. If at any point you feel you have to or need to or even should do anything on your list stop. Stop right in your tracks. You don't have to, need to, or should do anything on that list. If you write it down it's written down because you WANT TO do them. There are only three three things you need in this world: food, water, and shelter. Some people list clothes as well, but even that is optional. Every thing else in your life is a want or a desire. You only need food, water, and shelter because they're necessary for survival. So, whenever a need to, have to, or should do thought creeps into your mind I want you to stop and examine it. Ask yourself: do you really need to / have to / should do this thing? If the answer is no, ask yourself do you want to do this thing? If the answer is yes, then do it. If the answer is no, then examine the consequences for not doing it. Then ask whether the consequences you'd suffer are worth the mental, emotional, and physical energy you'll expend to do this thing? If you can live with the consequences, then don't do it. If you can't, then tell yourself: "I don't want to do this, but I don't want X to happen more. So, I'd rather be doing this instead." Even the mundane things. Let's say you normally wash your dishes every night at a certain time. You hate washing dishes. You decide that while you hate washing dishes, the consequence of not having clean dishes to eat off of isn't acceptable to you. So you decide to compromise and wash your dishes only on Saturdays. Alternatively, you might decide to purchase paper plates and plastic silverware, then dispose of them once you've used them. Or maybe the consequences that has on the environment is too much for you to accept; you'd feel guilty. So, instead you decide to hunt down biodegradable paper plates and silverware online and purchase them to use instead. Or, let's say you find biodegradable paper plates, but not silverware, and you decide to use and wash your normal silverware instead. This same thought pattern translates into bigger and more meaningful things. You need a job, but you hate the one you have. Do you have to work? Yes, for most people, if they want to get money for food and shelter. Do you have to work at a job you hate? No. You might have to work there temporarily to feed yourself, but that doesn't stop you from making future plans to get a better job that you like. So on and so forth. I think this should help you, along with a journal. Don't even worry about your sexuality. It doesn't define you like you believe. It is certainly a part of you, it helps shape the way you see and interact with the world, but there are other important aspects of your personality. I think once you start introducing changes into your life, and start living more like your true authentic self, the happier you'll become, the more confident you'll be, and the more you'll love and respect yourself. Slow and gradual steps are what you need. Don't become fixated on the destination, focus on the journey to get there. Each tiny step you take is an accomplishment in and of itself. It is a chance to pat yourself on the back, and you should do exactly that. Let us know if you intend to post a public journal or something. I'll try and read it and offer my support. (*hug*) Also, apologies if this sounds disjointed. I'm really, really tired.
