A bit (okay, very) confused about things right now and curious to hear what people think. Bear with me, this might be all over the place… Some quick background info: I’m in my mid-20’s and just started coming out to close friends and family late last year. Part of my reason for finally doing so was the hope that a friend of mine who I though might be gay would reciprocate. Admittedly, I had fallen head over heels for this guy. Never felt this way about anyone before. Of course I’m gradually seeing more and more evidence that he is straight and despite an occasional conflicting signal, I know that it’s probably time to move on and drop those hopes. So I recently signed up for an online dating site to try to “get out there” and meet some new people. Within a few days of signing up, I got a message from someone. We have a good amount in common and after a number of back and forth’s, decided to meet up for dinner. While this guy is very nice and we had good conversation, the whole thing just felt a bit awkward. First, it was my first time being “out” while being out and about. I know that’s something I’ll have to get used to but this was just too much too fast. Also, he’s in his mid 30’s. He says age shouldn’t matter, it’s just a number and that its rare how much we have in common. I know he’s probably right but I can’t help but feel differently. No matter how much we have in common, I just can’t help but feel somewhat distant from him. Also, no matter how much I don’t want to admit it, I can’t help but to always have my other friend in the back of my head. I know I need to avoid falling in a trap of looking for someone exactly like this friend but I don’t think its unreasonable to find someone who has some of the qualities which attracted me to that friend in the first place. I also just haven’t felt that special connection with this guy; it just hasn’t clicked for me in the way this other guy says it is for him. I know the guy that I went out with (twice now) really feels like there might be something there but this is the first guy I’ve ever gone out with and I’m while we definitely get along and have a lot of similarities, I don’t feel anywhere near the type of attraction (on multiple levels) that I do with my friend. Ultimately, I’m just very confused right now. There are so many new feelings and situations I’m dealing with all at once and I’m not sure what to make of it all. Am I wrong in thinking age DOES matter? Should it matter? I feel as though I have a better chance of feeling more connected to someone closer in age and experience. Am I also wrong in wanting to keep looking for someone who maybe I click with better; someone who may give me that amazing feeling that my friend does or should I approach dating with no preconceived notions of what I’m looking for. To be honest, I just don’t know if I can even do the latter. I think I’d be doing us both a disservice to not let him know exactly how I feel and why because I think it’s best for me to keep exploring. This is all so new for me and I have to think its best for me to give myself the opportunity to meet more people before really going too far down the road with anyone. Okay, I just read this back and as expected, I’m all over the place. Kinda how I feel so hopefully anyone who makes it through understands what I’m looking for. Thanks in advance.
It's perfectly okay to not want more than friendship from this guy, and if you don't feel more than that DON'T GO FOR IT. You'll just hurt both him and yourself. Also, really liking someone as a friend doesn't mean there will ever be true attraction there. My rule has always been that if imagining kissing someone doesn't turn me on, I shouldn't be kissing them. It sounds to me like you've found someone similar to your crush friend in the hopes that you'll feel the same for them. If only it worked that way. About your friend: is there a way you can admit to crushing on him without making him feel threatened in any way? My favourite way to do it is to laugh and say "Yeah, well I had a crush on you for years!" Using past-tense keeps it less dangerous, and you can watch his response. If you can understand his feelings once and for all, it will help you handle yours.
I really like Bree's advice. You can't force yourself to feel something that you just don't feel and vice versa. I know for me, age is a bit of a sticking point; if you're not in your twenties, I'm just not interested. And there's nothing wrong with that, it's just my preference. I think coming out is much more than just realizing your attraction to the same sex, it's acknowledging WHY you're attracted to the opposite sex. Just like straight men have "types", gay men have "types" as well. There are a couple men (and one woman) I still think about, how I still really care for them. But I have accepted that it was just not meant to be, and that I'm on a journey to find a man that is really meant for me. Just have patience, I'm starting ti realize waiting is have the fun, but that doesn't mean giving up the hunt...
Thing is, this guy, despite having a lot of common interests, really doesnt have the same personalty, sense of humor, little quirks, etc... as my friend. I think that's part of the reason I dont feel a real connection to him. It's not just common interests that draw me to my friend, it's the little things. I know its unreasonable to strive for those exact things in someone else but I don't think its unreasonable to look for someone who has some of them or something else that really makes me feel really connected and helps us relate. As for telling my friend how I feel (or felt as you suggest...even though its still very much in the present), just cant do it. I dont want to do anything to potentially damage the friendship.
