Alas, it's one of those "gay crush on a straight friend" questions. Pardon my lack of originality, but just typing it out for people to read will help me get through this. I have come to terms to the fact that I am, at the very least, bisexual. I have been sexually attracted to men and romantically/emotionally attracted to women. But recently, I have developed feelings for a straight friend of mine. Like many kids in high school, I hang out with a small, tight-knit circle which my crush is a part of. Initially, I fell into denial about the fact and in a sense, I still do. Ever since realizing my strong attraction to my close friend, I have been sick to my stomach. Every school year, there seems to be something that triggers a period of depression for me. Right now, the standard symptoms of a lack of appetite, weight loss and feelings of worthlessness are beginning to show. I don't believe that my sexuality itself is what is causing me to spiral downwards like this. After all, whether I came to terms with it or not, I have been bisexual for the past couple of years. What frustrates and confuses me the most is how this is an internal battle that I have to face on my own. It has come to the point where I feel like screaming all the time just to release my frustration. It took careful thinking, but I decided (based on other people's advice) to tell my other close friends of what I am going through. This was something I was very intimidated and afraid of doing since this meant that I had to out myself from the closet. I figured that at a time like this, a support system of good friends is vital to my health. While I half-canned it by telling them "Hey, I have a crush on one of our close friends," I tried deflecting any questions regarding my true sexuality. Whether they think I'm gay, bisexual or in a phase of life is something I am not currently privy to. While the initial experience felt liberating and it did lift my spirits up, the feelings did not linger long. Once again I feel like I'm spiraling into depression. I feel helplessly trapped and alone in this experience once more. I have considered telling my crush about the situation, but I fear that it may make things worse. Weighing all the pros and cons has made me realize that at the cost of getting things off my chest once and for all, I would be jeopardizing a friendship that I hold dear. It's not -- And if anything, ostracizing myself from my close circle of friends could make me even more emotionally unstable. I feel like I need to reach out to support systems other than my friends at this point. Perhaps I should talk to my close friends once again, but speaking to them about depression is even more uncomfortable than speaking to them about my gay feelings for someone. If this is the third time I have fallen into depression in my high school career, there could be more serious under-workings tearing me apart. I would like to see a psychiatrist, but that would have my parents questioning my motives to visiting the psychiatric ward. I have been there previously for OCD (which I was prescribed Prozak in the past for), so perhaps that is an excuse I could give my family to attending appointments. Besides, I still have a serious case of OCD to begin with. There is also a health center at school that I could visit at times like these, but because I have a professional relationship with the staff there as a writer for our school's newspaper, it seems rather awkward to speak to them about this matter, knowing that I need to professionally interview them in the future for articles.
If you're starting to feel depressed you really need to speak to someone about it. Honestly, if it's serious depression, your friends won't cut it. You need a professional. Is there no one at the schools' health center that you can speak to? No guidance councilor... anything? If they are a professional you should expect them to act professionally. Just tell them that you need to speak to them, "off the record" about a "personal issue." If they are a professional they'll treat you with respect, and understand the difference between when you're doing your job and when you're asking for help. You could also speak to your general practitioner doctor. Just tell your parents that you are starting to feel overwhelmed at school, that your OCD is acting up again, and that it's starting to cause you to feel really depressed. Tell them that you want to speak to your doctor about it. Once you're speaking to your GP, tell him about what is going on with your OCD and Depression, and ask him to refer you to a therapist. This way when you leave, you can tell your parents that you spoke to the doctor and that he wants you to speak to someone. When you speak to the therapist, ask them if they can keep things confidential from your parents, so that you can speak openly. Don't mess around with depression, Johny. It's a serious issue. Get some help, please. (*hug*)
Hi there, and welcome to EC. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling yourself going into a depression. I think I experienced similar cycles in my teens, and they didn't go away as I got older until I got treatment from a professional. I agree with the above advice. Your parents should know that you're feeling depressed, and that you'd like to speak to a counsellor. There's not shame in doing that. It actually demonstrates a lot of courage and maturity to be honest and ask for help. If you're not prepared to tell your parents about your orientation, that's fine. But ask them for help. As for your friends, I was a little confused about what you had told them. You may not have gotten much relief from that because you didn't disclose what was really bothering you - that you're bi. Do you not think they'd be supportive? Lots of people here have had similar experiences. Draw on them for support.
