I am 34, married with 2 beautiful children 2 and 5. I love my husband very much, but since the birth of my son in 2010 I have gone right off the idea of making love to him, I put this intitally down to the exhaustion of having a newborn blah blah. Anyway he is now just over 2 and it still hasn't returned, infact I don't feel particularly attracted to any male any more. I also have developed a huge crush on lady (who I could never form a relationshp for various reasons with, one being she has a boyfriend!) I have accepted these feelings although a bit of a shock at first, but I am really enjoying my day dreams and fantasies about her now. I also suddenly out of the blue felt attracted to one of my female friends the otherday and am increasing beginning to think I may be bi. Although I seem to have no attraction to men atm. Whilst I have no problem accepting I may be bi or lesbian, what can I do about it? I am married, have 2 children, love my husband and my family life, but its driving me crazy wondering and knowing what to do. I guess no-one can advise me really, but its so damn frustrating I feel better getting it off my chest anyway x ---------- Post added 30th Apr 2012 at 10:15 AM ---------- ooops I just noticed my gender is male, well its not, most def female, shall go and change that now!
Hi there, and welcome to EC! You're not alone in becoming aware of your not-so-straight orientation at this stage of your life. I was in my mid 30s as well - married with two daughters - when I had to face up to the fact that I was gay. For me it resulted in a separation / divorce that allowed us both to move on and meet people who could make us completely happy - and we've since both remarried, and both to men! That doesn't necessarily need to be what happens here. But if you and your husband haven't been intimate in 2 years then there might be work that you need to do in your relationship. How does he feel about that? Have you discussed the whys? The fact that you're not attracted to him at all - or any other male for that matter - does suggest that there is something going on. And then crushing on women adds to that. What I always suggest in this situation is to seek out the services of a counsellor or therapist. Someone who you can talk to about what you're thinking and feeling who is unbiased and professionally trained in communications and relationships. Because either way this plays out, there is a need to communicate with your husband. My wife, while devastated at first, came around and made the best of the situation that she found herself in. She became my biggest supporter and was genuinely happy when I met someone who made me happy. And she knew that for us to be the best parents that we could be for our daughters, we needed to be happy and well adjusted ourselves. So it was never a matter of 'making it work for the sake of the kids' because that quite often backfires. As an advisor here on EC I'm able to receive 'personal messages' from members who are new (like yourself) so feel free to send me a personal message by clicking on my name on the left and then selecting 'send private message to jim1454'. Otherwise, keep posting here for the benefit of those who might be in a similar situation.
Hi Jim thank you for your reply Its really complicated with hubby, he is disabled and in a lot of pain so we havn't been hugely intimate anyway for 5 or 6 years (luckily we were very quick to conceive both times sorry if TMI), you can probably appreciate the effect pain has on such things. We have discussed it briefly and we agreed to put no pressure on ourselves, but obv it needs resolving one way or another, the trouble is my sudden attraction to women (6 months ago) and the complete loss of attraction to men. I don't want to leave hubby or make that decision yet because I don't feel that would be right due to a 6 month crush, but I don't want to be in a non intimate marraige either. I mean how do I know that I am bi/lesbian without trying it first (sorry if that sounds daft!) There seems to be so many things to work out I don't even know where to begin. To get counselling means going to my family dr, and I am not sure I can explain to him yet and I can't afford private so I don't know. Also my hubby is so open and easy to talk to I did say a while back I had a bit of a lesbian crush and he was totally cool about it and said it wasn't unusual for it to happen at this age, maybe I should mention it again? ah pants, my life was so simple a year ago :lol: ---------- Post added 30th Apr 2012 at 11:43 AM ---------- Oh and one of the woman I have a crush on is my dr's daughter - of course I appreciate I don't have to tell him that but it seems to make it more awkward in my mind!
I see. The lack of intimacy isn't really a function of your lack of attraction. At least not entirely. But I think you're right to be concerned about the prospect of a marriage without any intimacy. I don't think that you need to 'try it' to know if you're bi/lesbian. That's certainly what I tell the men I've spoken to. But I'll admit that male attraction and sexual response is a little easier to read. I can't speak from a female perspective - obviously. This certainly could be something you could bring up with your husband - expecially if you have discussed it before. It could certainly leave him feeling very vulnerable. He's disabled, in a lot of pain, and now is finding that he might not even be the right gender to satisfy his own wife. You'll need to reasure him that this doesn't change the way you feel about him - that you still love him. Because this is such a tricky and delicate situation - help from a trained counsellor can be a real help. But I understand if finances stand in the way of that. The economy has hit people really hard - particularly in the US.
Oh dear, my life never seems straight forward, I guess for the moment I shall have to try and work things out in my own mind, I certainly don't want to hurt him, I shall see what happens over the coming months
