27 and not out...whats my problem?

Welcome to EC!

Let me throw this analogy at you. You wake up. You've got a full-day pass to Disneyland in your hand, and you're right outside the gate. But it's already 1:30pm. You've missed the first four-plus hours of fun. You basically have two options. You can stare at that ticket in your hand for awhile longer, and bemoan all the fun you could've had if you'd only woken up early and gone in earlier. Or you can get your ass in gear, go through those gates, and start having fun.

I know which one I'd choose.

You're 27. You're on your own. Other people's reactions aren't important, especially if your main worry is that they'll be along the lines of "why didn't you come out sooner?" If anyone asks, you tell them the truth. You've spent years in denial, trying to hide it, trying to run away from it, and you're finally ready to face the truth and start living. And if your friend asks why you weren't more supportive, you tell him the truth, too. That you were still struggling with who you were, and dealing with HIM being gay meant dealing with YOU being gay, and you weren't ready for that yet. (And, presumably, you're sorry you couldn't have been more supportive.)

Know that very few people ask these questions, anyway. They instinctively know that this isn't an easy step for people, and that they often have a tough time taking it. And now that you're ready to take them, it's best to just take them, and not worry about what people will think about you taking them "late".

Lex

 

Firstly welcome to EC. I'm typing on my phone which is a pain so this might be a little briefer than it would have otherwise been.

It's great that you are finally admitting you are gay and trying to accept t, it can be a tough processbut the rewards will be worth it. I wouldn't worry about your age I didn't come out till I was about 26. Stick around EC and you will find itsnot that uncommon and you will find people can help you by sharing their experiences, don't give up.

 

Hello Clock Is Ticking, welcome to EC. :smilewave

The advice the others have given you is good, but I'll see if I can add anything of value.

First, having "experiences" with other guys (and by experiences I'm assuming you mean sex), isn't dirty. You might feel bad or guilty about it, but let me tell you plainly: you have nothing to be ashamed of, feel guilty about, and you did nothing wrong. You are natural, you are normal, and you are healthy.

I'm assuming they were just hookups, and not relationships. So what? How many straight guys do the same? Lots. Tons. You're normal, the only difference between you and a straight guy is that you like guys. That's it.

That brings me to my second point. You are not erasing your identity that you've created for the past twenty-seven years. Yes, there may have been things about you that you've hidden from others, but that doesn't change who you are. You've always been the same person, and while you might be able to be closer to your true authentic self - most people, if they truly care and love you, want that for you.

Third, if anyone is upset over you not telling them, over the fact that you've kept it a secret for so long, it's because they care about you. They're hurting because of what you've had to go through, not because you lied. I've heard many bad coming out stories, but never once have I heard: 'You lied to me! I hate you!' (Well, there are some exceptions there, but in those cases they were married to someone who was straight.) But friends and family? I've never heard of them having this type of reaction, aside from being hurt because someone they loved had to stay in the closet for so long.

Fourth, there is nothing wrong with being twenty-seven and still in the closet. You know what? I'm about to turn thirty years old, and I am just starting to come out. The first gay man I ever spoke to (knowing that he was gay), was in his late 60's. He was just starting to come out of the closet. People come out in all stages of their lives, there is no expiration date on your gay card. There is nothing that says, "Must Be Out of the Closet By..."

It's actually easier, I believe, to come out later in life once you no longer need your families financial support. That's one of the major stresses involved in coming out young; the fear of being cut off, not being able to go to college, being kicked out of your home, etc. That's a power your family might not have over you. (No idea of your current living / financial situation, but I'm assuming that you're mostly if not entirely independent.)

Fifth, I know exactly what your going through, and you aren't alone. There are so many other people who have been in your shoes. Including your friend who is gay. If you feel you're ready to come out, come out to him first. Tell him how sorry, and how guilty you feel for not being there for him when he was coming out. Ask him to forgive you, and I'm positive he will be more than willing to do so. You know why? Because he knows what it's like to be where you are right now. He knows what you're going through.

And let me tell you, if he is a good and decent friend, he won't give a shit. He's going to be there for you. You can have a nice long talk with him. Explain what you've been feeling, what you've been going through, how much you've struggled. He'll understand because he's been there. He knows what it was like. And you know what? I'm extremely positive that this will bring you both closer together than ever before.

He'll be there to support you, both emotionally and morally, as you come out to others. But you don't have to come out to everyone at the same time. Go at your own pace, do what feels right and comfortable to you.

Just talking about it with your friend, I think, will lift a huge burden from your shoulders. You'll feel lighter, as if it's easier to breathe, and you'll be shocked at how much weight you've been carrying around all these years.

You will make it through this. I promise. (*hug*)

The first step in coming out, is coming out to yourself. You've just done that; you've taken the first step. Now, you just need to learn to love and respect yourself for who you are, and don't forget you are natural, normal, and healthy. There is nothing wrong, dirty, or perverted about you.

 

So I'm about to turn 26 and just came out. I had the same fears as you did, mostly that everyone was going to be upset with me for not telling them sooner. The only person that made me worry for a little bit was my childhood friend who didn't respond to my message I had sent him for half a day (I moved to another state and he doesn't answer his phone). He called me up though and we had a good talk and told me that he will always have my back no matter what. Other than that I haven't had anyone upset with me for not telling them sooner. Though people have asked me why I didn't tell them sooner and I just let them know the truth I was really scared of what people were going to think of me and that I was not fully ready to be out.

Any ways you will know when the time it right but I got to tell you I am in a happy place right now, that lonely cruddy felling that makes you want to distance you from everything is no fun.

And don't think you coming out is going to erase the last 27 years of your life, the last 27 years has been leading up to this. They are what made you who you are.

I had my self confidence torn away from me a long time ago and coming out has really helped me to gain some of it back.

Sorry for rambling just some thoughts I had hope it helps

 

This is my exact sentiment, though make it 34 years. Since coming out, events in my life have accelerated and I couldn't be happier. Self confidence, self-esteem, and general happiness with life are all up.

One thing I'll add, though, is to be prepared for whatever questions may come your way, whether or not your're ready to come out. Think long and hard about how much of yourself you wish for others to know. Look through this site to find some really good letters, e-mails, and posts from others on how they came out. Under the resources section is a good place to start. I wish you the best.

 

I felt the exact same thing as you Clockisticking, although I only left till I was 29 to accept and deal with it and its not entirely uncommon as you can see from this thread. I felt that I have wasted so much time too, but I've come to the realisation now that there is really no point on dwelling on the past and to rather focus on the future.

As others have already said here its definitely not too late to accept who you are and be comfortable with yourself. I think we all eventually get to that point and different points in our lives.

When I told my friends they understood that it was a struggle for me to get to this point and never got angry or upset at me for not telling them until now. In fact they were really happy for me and very supportive.

 

Clockisticking-

Have you considered therapy? I think it might help you a lot. Just talking about all this with someone can help you sort out your feelings and thoughts.

 

If you know you are gay, just be gay. You will not lose your identity by coming out, you will simply be yourself.

Also, if your brother is truly homophobic, then he probably doesn't know you as well as he should. Do not live your life according to this disapproval. Others close to you will love and accept you.

Those who do not, simply aren't worth the energy.

 

Some people do get rather comfortable in the closet. Coming out seems so...FINAL. It's leaving the previous part of your life behind, and starting in on something new. And it's easy to picture the new stuff being...unfamiliar? Weird? Even..."gay"?

The good news is that most people shed that once they take the step. They start living their lives a lot more in tune with how they want to, whatever that might entail.

Lex

 

Hey dont give up, I know its tough but you can come through it.

What is the thing you would most like to do it you didnt find it so hard? Who would you most like to tell.

 

Since you know most people will be expecting, know that this sort of thing ends up being like pulling a splinter out of your finger. There's gritting the teeth, screwing your eyes up, bracing yourself...and then it's over, and you kinda wonder what the big deal was.

Lex

 

Well you might find that seeking some professional assistance may help you, I do think Lex is right the thought of coming out is usually much worse than just doing it.

 

I haven’t read any of the replies, just the original post, so apologies if this is repetitive to what others may have said.

I’m in my mid 20’s as well, within a few years of you, and just recently decided to come out. Feel free to check out one of my post from back in December if you’re curious on my background story; I’m sure you’d relate to some of it based on what you’ve said.

It kills me now to think of how much time I’ve wasted over my first quarter century on this planet and how much I’ve had to pretend to be someone I’m not. Trust me though, having spent so much time in your shoes and now having spent about half a year on the other side, the words “better late than never” could not be truer. It was tough at first revealing the truth to people and in essence, admit to lying all these years… but anyone is who truly your friend and cares about you will get over that or take no issue with it at all. I’ll also say that if/when you do come out, try your hardest not to live with regret. Sure, knowing how good it feels now to be open with people and allow myself the opportunity to be truly happy, I do wish I had come out earlier on. That said, it’s not worth wasting time dwelling on what could have been when there is so much time left to work on the future.

 

Hey

Congrats on taking that first step - I'm sure it's a great weight of your shoulders, even with the added revelations. Reading your first post just now reminded me of what I've been feeling. I only came to accept myself this summer, and have been coming out since then. I do sometimes regret that I wasted so many of what should have been the best years of my life, but at the same time, I realise there is no point dwelling on what might have been. I can only focus on what time I have left, and make sure I don't waste any more of it.

Good luck with the future. I know it's scary - but it's also quite exciting, or I think so anyway.

(*hug*)