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Felt I needed to seek advice and probably will need more in the future

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Willis, Apr 30, 2012.

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  1. Willis

    Willis
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    Hey my names Will, was in the closet for several years and have started to take the first few steps out, late March I started to seek for a man where I live through websites and was able to find someone who I've been seeing for the past month. I've come out to my closet friend and so far left everyone still in the dark. I'm 20 and still live at home unfortunately due to studies. I've handled everything I feel pretty well so far but I'm stuck on a few things and thought I'd come here to seek some advice.

    First I guess issue I have is the age difference between the man I've meet and myself, which is 45 years difference, I don't at all have a problem with his age, not the least bit but I don't know if or how to tell my parents or anyone in the future, I don't want to tell my parents anything at the moment while still living at home but I just don't know how to go about telling them after moving out as I have plans to move in with him in the very near future. He isn't so comfortable with the idea and said himself he didn't feel he could take the rejection but see how where ment to live together and manage to keep it from atleast my side of the family, as a few of his family members and friends are already aware we are seeing each other

    The other things that is really playing on my mind is well having to deal with it where I study, I study in a very male dominate environment and as I mentioned I've yet to tell anyone other then a close friend. I've just become extremely annoyed because most of the men within the class are between 17-20 with a few being around 30 and its becoming hard to listen to most of them talk as they do about sex and what not and gay bashing and sit by idle and deal with it, I'm on a shared table with 4 other people and 2 I talk to everyday and both of them talk to me about there children and women and the other how his pursing this girl, I don't care if they know I'm gay but I just don't know how to go about it because frankly its becoming annoying have to listen to it all and then them expect to talk to you about it

    Anyone yeah thats the problems I face at the moment other then having to keep it from my parents which hasn't been to hard, other then when I've had to go away for weekends and I've been using the excuse that I've been going to this close friends house when in actual fact I've been going to this mans house for the weekend and then getting questions and being expected to relay information on what I've done when I've got home. Its becomign alittle hard to make up stuff but I think I'm handling it pretty well.
     
    #1 Willis, Apr 30, 2012
  2. Jim1454

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC. I'm glad you've found this forum. I know it helped me come to terms with my orientation. I'm sure it can help you.

    Coming out at school: I can understand how frustrating it is to listen to everyone else talk about relationships when you feel like you can't. I was in that position for a while myself. In the end, coming out is a personal decision, and it's basically a function of whether you'll feel better out or better staying in the closet. The tricky part is that you won't really know if you'll feel better until after you've actually come out.

    If your mates that you're closest to don't appear hostile towards gays then you can just casually mention that you're more into guys, or make a comment about your boyfriend. They don't need to be rocket scientists to figure out right away that you're gay. No grand announcement will be necessary. But it all comes down to whether or not you think you'll be happier being out or not.

    The older boyfriend: I have to admit that I'm surprised that you've chosen a boyfriend who is 45 years older than you are. Even you must recognize that most people don't end up paired up with people who are so different in age. That's typically because they are at very different stages in their lives, have very different interests, etc. What is it about this man that you find so attractive?

    I ask, because what I found, and what many other guys on here have found, is that our first relationship can feel really strong. And we attribute those powerful feelings to the person. However, the reality is that when you first come out and you meet someone, you are allowing yourself to feel these emotions for the very first time. And THAT is what makes them so powerful and feel so good. It is sometimes less about the person and more about the feelings themselves. What I found was that when that first rush of emotions passed, I came to realize that this person really wasn't an ideal match for me at all. It took a few more months for me to come across the guy who was perfect for me.

    So I think you're hesitant to tell your parents about your boyfriend because you know they won't react well. And you know they won't react well because he's 45 years older than you. And if you were totally comfortable with that yourself you wouldn't care what your parents thought. But I have to believe that a part of you is perhaps a little concerned about this age difference yourself.

    I'm sure he's a nice guy. I'm sure he treats you well. But have you given yourself the chance to find someone who is closer to your own age who is also a nice guy and treats you well? Because I'm sure there's one out there. You just haven't given yourself the chance to meet him.

    If nothing else, I would suggest that you not make plans to move in with him for at least another few months. Make SURE that this relationship is the right one. I would also recommend telling your parents first. You don't want to start off your first serious relationship with it shrowded in secrecy and shame. You want to go into it with your head held high feeling good about yourself and your partner.
     
    #2 Jim1454, May 1, 2012
  3. Willis

    Willis
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    Thanks for the detailed reply, was not at all expecting anything like this.

    As for School, I don't feel like these individuals I talked to at all are hostile towards gay people but I'd have no idea how to drop it into a sentence. I feel I'd be best to get it off my chest but as you mentioned I really won't know until I've done it so I guess I'm going to find out.

    As for the older man, I long before even knowing I was certianly gay has a large attraction to older men, I'm not sure what it is but anyone over a certian age I find hard not to give a look. I really do feel something for him that I just can't explain, I messaged him through a website and wasn't sure what to expect but he really was lovely, a down to earth person, genuine and someone I can relate to, it really is hard to explain but it feels like we've been together for years even though we've only known each other for a month and a half. I don't feel I'm feelings I have for him are just there because its a new things for but because I generally do love and care for him.

    My parents are actually very accepting so I'm not worried at all them knowning I am gay or that I had a boyfriend 3 times my age, its just that I couldn't deal with them being on my back about it all the time, wanting to know whats going on and well being plan out nosey, I feel what I share between this man and myself should stay that way, its about us and not us and the familes attached off the side, as important as I feel mine are.

    He and I have talked about living plans and his going away for 3 weeks so we'll talk about it when he comes back but there is nothing more then I want to be able to be with him more, as of the past month or two its became hard for us to be able to spend much time together other the me going over to his house for a few weekends.
     
    #3 Willis, May 1, 2012
  4. Farouche

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    Do tell your parents first. I hooked up with someone 15 years older than me (that seemed like a lot until I read your post). It was my first relationship and I thought it was fine, they loved loved me, all was well...
    But then we broke up, and I realized that I'd been counting on them as a friend, and almost a parent, as well as an intimate partner. So I lost my source of advice at the time when I most needed advice. Don't do that to yourself. It sucks. And don't count on never breaking up, because relationships always feel like they're going to last longer than they do.
     
    #4 Farouche, May 1, 2012
  5. Chip

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    Hi, Willis, and welcome to EC!

    First, congrats on taking the steps to come out. That's always a challenge and an exploration, and I'm sure it isn't easy for you.

    But more importantly... I hate to rain on your parade, but there's no way that a 45 year age difference is going to work for an emotionally healthy long-term relationship. It cannot be balanced, because you are in such completely different places in your lives, and, quite frankly, if this is your first relationship -- and I'm being harsh here -- there's no possible way you can know that you were "meant to be together" simply because it's your first relationship.

    Now I realize that you're going to pull out all the stops you can to convince me otherwise (or just blow off what I'm saying entirely) but please realize... I'm not doing this to make your life difficult, to minimize the importance of what you feel, or to judge you, but only to make an attempt to help you see the inevitable and avoid either getting hurt emotionally, or, worse, ending up in a relationship where you'll end up very emotionally unhealthy simply because of the inherent imbalance of power that comes with a 45 year age difference.

    It also seems clear your friend is probably aware of the issue as well, but perhaps is worried about upsetting you by telling you the truth.

    Having an older friend or mentor with whom you have a nonsexual relationship that helps you to grow emotionally and find a healthy relationship is one thing; trying to make a mentor into a sexual/romantic partner is something quite different.

    I realize this isn't the advice you came here for, but I really hope you'll give it serious consideration. If you do, you can save yourself -- and your friend -- a lot of potential heartache and difficulty. If not, well... of course no one can force you to do something you don't want to do, but as I said, keep in mind that I have no agenda other than to hopefully give you input that will help you, as a gay man who is just coming out and just learning about gay relationships, develop into an emotionally healthy and happy person in the long term.

    I hope you'll give this serious thought.
     
    #5 Chip, May 1, 2012
  6. Willis

    Willis
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    I've already accepted that it isn't something that's going to last for ever because in reality there isn't a huge amount of time for the man left, his knocking on the door of retirement in the next year or so and I'm just about to enter a job very soon. I understand that he will die before I get to probably the age of 35 or 40 and by then I'd probably be seeking someone close to my own age anyhow. It almost sounds bad when I put it that way but I'm fully aware that we won't be together for ever and my friend brought it up also, that she said I'd be lucky to get 15 years together before he does pass.

    I'm a kind of go with the flow person so I mean I'm differently going to look at moving in with him and seeing if the relationship works out but at the same time I already understand that its not something that will be forever
     
    #6 Willis, May 1, 2012
  7. Chip

    Chip
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    I think you're missing the point.

    15 years is a lifetime when you're 20. And it's 15 years that you're going to really, really miss out on developing the sort of healthy relationship you'd have with someone closer to your own age. 15 years (or 2 years) spent with someone 45 years older than you are is going to seriously affect your emotional and psychological growth at an age where it's pretty crucial.

    But obviously you aren't interested in considering that aspect of things because you're blinded by the oxytocin of a first relationship so... c'est la vie. Best of luck.
     
    #7 Chip, May 2, 2012
  8. Willis

    Willis
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    No I get the point but the fact of the matter is that I'm not at at all attracted to anyone within my own age group, the youngest man I've found even the remote bit attractive was atleast 25 years older then me. Either way I feel that I'm going to end up in a position where I'm going to end up being with someone that's alot older then me.

    It just feels no matter what I do I'm going to end up with someone thats alot older then men and I don't know what else to do other then to accept it and deal with it.
     
    #8 Willis, May 2, 2012
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  9. Jim1454

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    Have you considered talking to someone about it? Seeing a counsellor or therapist to explore why it is that you can't find someone your own age attractive? Because it does seem odd, and it might be an indication that you have some kind of unresolved issues that you need to work on.

    So I'm not sure you should be 'throwing in the towel' and resigning yourself to this situation. I have to believe that there's a reason that you don't find men your own age attractive. Maybe it's worth looking into that.
     
    #9 Jim1454, May 2, 2012
  10. Aldrick

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    I've been mulling over how to respond to you since you first made your original post Willis. A lot of what I think needed to be said has been said, but one thing you brought up caught my eye.

    I want you to re-read your statement. After you've re-read it once, I want you to think about it. Then I want you to re-read it again.

    Now, ask yourself an important question. Is this what you want, or is this what your boyfriend wants? You said that you think your parents would be fine with knowing that you are gay and that you are dating an older man. That's great. So, why exactly aren't you telling them anything? You are worried about them being nosy, you say? Define what you mean by nosy. Most families, by virtue of being families, want to be involved with your life. Your boyfriend is part of your life, and therefore they want to be involved with him as well. What is the harm in that? Why do you feel the need to push them off to the side; is that what you really want?

    I'm asking you, Willis. What do you want. I don't care about what your boyfriend wants, I want to know what you want.
     
    #10 Aldrick, May 2, 2012
  11. Chip

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    Have you even *tried* to do anything to address that? Like get therapy? Unless you've actually done some real inner work on the issue, it's complete bullshit to say "no matter what I do, I'm going to end up with someone that's a lot older."

    The issue you're describing -- attraction to older men -- isn't uncommon to young guys just coming out. Some of them are smart and realize that something is amiss and they seek therapy and work through the issue and eventually get to an emotionally healthy place where they are thinking and acting independently and capable of having emotionally healthy relationships.

    Others simply take the victim route of "Oh, this is the way I am and there's nothing I can do about it" which is completely disempowering and terribly unhealthy... and, unsurprisingly, they end up in very unhealthy relationships and not at all happy.

    If you want to solve the issue, you totally can. It's simply a matter of exploring where that attraction comes from, what's driving it, and then working through that so you can get to a healthier place. Or you can pretend that you have no control over it and just stick your head in the sand.
     
    #11 Chip, May 2, 2012
  12. Willis

    Willis
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    I should have probably mentioned that it isn't something that I came accross when I came out, I've been sexually attracted to older men since I was 14 and I still today find them attractive at the age of 20.

    I do appreciate the advice and I'm going to keep my mind abit more open about things now and maybe give younger men ago in the future so thanks

    I've thought about it for a long time and what I want is for us to both be moved in and happy together and to tell me parents and some of my family and for them to be close with him, I don't feel that is requires a public announcement but I'd love to be able to share the joy I share with him.
     
    #12 Willis, May 2, 2012
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  13. Chip

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    Just for the record, that doesn't change anything. If anything, it reinforces that the issue is likely with something that happened in early childhood that should be addressed in therapy.

    As I said, it sounds like you're dead set on this, so... best of luck.
     
    #13 Chip, May 2, 2012
  14. Willis

    Willis
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    I've actually been looking back at this a few times over the past few days and I'm angry that I got such a response, for a moment there I thought there might have been something wrong with me but there isn't, I had a great childhood and there was nothing that happened that made me the way I was when I was younger. If anything I was in hope for some support or someone to atleast be happy with me because I haven't had a chance to share it with many people in real life.

    I am gay, I'm sexually attracted to older men and I couldn't be any more happier about it.
     
    #14 Willis, May 4, 2012
  15. Farouche

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    For the record, Willis, I believe you. I've heard of much weirder kinks than merely preferring older guys.

    There is an inherent imbalance of power that comes with an age difference, but I guess you'll have to learn to deal with that. Never put up with a partner who doesn't respect you, whether or not they love you. I stand by what I said before about making sure you have a support system outside the relationship.
     
    #15 Farouche, May 7, 2012
  16. Filip

    Filip
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    Well, I'd never say there's necessarily something wrong with you for liking older guys.

    However, it's also undeniable that, the more difference there is in age, the higher the risk is of running into trouble, or of ending up in an imbalanced (or worse, abusive) relationship.
    Not saying it can never work out, just that we've seen a lot of cases where it didn't, and we need to point that out too. If we were here to just say: "awesome, go for it!" whatever anyone said, we could have automated the forum long ago.

    I'll be honest, my biggest objection here is not necessarily the age. Let's set aside age for a minute and assume there's parity there.

    Even then: you're rushing things. You know him for a month and a half, and even then mostly only in the weekends. That's a flimsy basis to move in together. You essentially only see each other when you're well-prepared and in the mood to meet. It usually takes a bit more time than that to find out whether actually living together is going to work out.

    And worse than that: you are setting yourself up to be dependant on this guy. Whether intended or not, you're essentially using him to evade coming out at home and dealing with your parents' and friends' reaction. I even dare say, that reaction will be worse than it would be if you came out (I mean, what would you prefer as a parent: a coming out and an update? Or finding an empty room and a letter "hey, I just moved in with my boyfriend!").
    And if it goes badly with this guy, for whatever reason, do you have your options open to return home? Romanticism is all good and well, but never lose track of a plan B.

    So, even taking away the age difference, my advice would still be to first and foremost deal with your coming out, with properly thinking of the practicalities of it, and taking your time. Taking a few months more never hurt any relationship, and neither did being open about it. If you feel you need haste and secrecy, that's not a good start.
     
    #16 Filip, May 8, 2012
  17. Willis

    Willis
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    Very glad I came back to this thread (By mistake!)
    @Farouche
    Yes you are right, I have the support of a close friend and I'll be looking to get my families support hopefully soon.

    @Filip
    Yes I've thought lot about everything even before reading your post and I do agree. I was in to much of a rush and I need to slow my pace and get to know the man alot more before making a decision on things such as moving intogether. I've also come out at home over the weekend ( http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-stories/61905-its-my-desktop.html ).

    I have not mentioned seeing anyone yet as I thought it would be to much for my family to take in at once and that fact that the he has been hurt many times in the past and is hesitent to meet close friends and family of mine which I understand. I'll be introducting him to a close friend first and hopefully he'll warm up to her before I introduce him to my family.
     
    #17 Willis, May 13, 2012
    Last edited: May 13, 2012
  18. Willis

    Willis
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    I messaged him this morning and he was happy for me to tell my family, I did so in the car right after I received the text, my parents were in shock when I mentioned the age difference, my dad didn't say much and mum was warning me to be careful, sister who was also in the car couldn't believe it but I'm so happy I have it off my chest.
     
    #18 Willis, May 13, 2012
  19. Filip

    Filip
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    First and foremost: congrats on coming out! :thumbsup:

    And on starting to be a bit more open. It was to be expected they don't immediately throw a party when being appraised of the complete situation, but I do think it is a much healthier situation to be in for you and for them :slight_smile:
     
    #19 Filip, May 14, 2012
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