I live in a small opressed muslim coutry, Azerbaijan, and being gay is considered very very bad, not criminally bad, but still - very bad.(People look down upon them) I am 23 years old now, and have had boyfriends and fell in love with men in the past.Before I met Lala. It was exactly a year ago, when I met her. Everybody knew she was a lesbian. I've always been OK with gay people, so I had no problem with her being gay. We started chatting online, and at some point I realized I was chatting with her a little more than I normally would with my female friends. Eventually we met and went to the movies. I was sitting next to her and felt this rush of adrenaline in my blood. It was so scary to know that she was a woman and I was a woman and felt this uncontrollable strong attraction, I used to never understand how a female can be attracted to other females.It was just shocking for me. We started seeing each other, eventually having sex. I've been with 2 more women afterwards, falling in love with my last girlfriend. Entering the lesbian "underground" world was like entering a new country for me. There were different rules and different behavior for everyone, while nothing was really different from a straight relationship. I am now seeing a male, who is very sweet, loving and caring to me. but I keep thinking of Lala and my last girlfriend. I keep thinking of a female body. I meet girls and they seem so tender and soft and beautiful, and kissable and lovable. In the meantime I know most of them don't even know what lesbianism is. After a year of constantly dating lesbian women, I realized in my muslim country, being with a woman is not an option, you either have to hide it and date secretly, or get married to a man, and have female lovers (thats how most lesbians do it here). My last girlfriend (the one Im still in love with) told me upfront that eventually she will get married, and it would be nice if I get married too and we have a second relationship.That woman cannot give family,and man cannot satisfy like a woman, so easier to have both (her saying this to my face totally broke my heart.) I find this unacceptable, I wont cheat on my loved one. So, I want to quit women. I dont understand these mixed up rules, and I don't accept it. I think it's okay to be gay, but it's not okay to be polygamous. My friend, who suspected I was seeing a lesbian, told me that gay people can't get happy, that they have a miserable life, and have to be in struggle till they die, they can't build a normal family. I just don't know how to quit women. I have this weird feeling I never felt before, that feeling of being different and observing the world from a different view. Its like Im a child, hiding a secret and its exciting. I feel unhappy all the time, because I don't know how to be happy without the girl I'm in love with, and I don't know how to be happy WITH her in my life. Who am I? Am I lesbian? Am I bisexual? What should I do? There's noone to turn to. I keep this in me all day, every day. We don't have gay support centers. My friends and family will NEVER understand. Please talk to me..
First of all, welcome to the site! I'm glad you found your way here. As for your post...phew. That's a tough one. I can say this, at least - it's entirely possible for gay people to have loving (and exclusive) relationships with each other and have families. The difficulties aren't inherent in their identities, but rather are due to the social attitudes of the places they live. So I think your desire to be with your most recent girlfriend and not with anyone else is a natural one and doesn't have anything essentially wrong with it. The trouble, of course, as you know all to well, is that this isn't an easy thing to do where you live. I would like to hear a little more about what attitudes towards gay people there are like though - on the one hand it sounds like people have to hide it very carefully, but on the other hand, you mention how "everyone knew" that Lala was a lesbian. Are there places there, or parts of society, where it's more accepted? As far as your personal status, I would think it's safe to say that your attraction to women forms a strong part of your sexuality, possibly the dominant one. I can't attach a label to you, that's your decision to make, but I would describe you as a lesbian/gay woman, based purely on the information you have in your post. But again, the real decision on this is up to you. I can at least sympathize with your feeling of having discovered a new country. I think that's a pretty common feeling to have when coming out to yourself - as gay, or bi, or whatever. Suddenly you've discovered something new about yourself and the whole world seems altered in some way. I'm not sure what to advise exactly, but for the time being I wouldn't worry about trying to make friends and family understand. Maybe focus on clarifying your own feelings and deciding where you stand on the issue, so that, wherever that may be, you can then move forward more confidently on the next steps you take. That's kind of a lonely position, but if nothing else, you have this site now, and I hope you feel free to come back and post more as often as you like! Good luck, hope to hear more from you soon.
Thanks so much for your advice and prompt reply. I feel totally lost and it's scary. Now a little bit of clarification: Why I knew Lala is gay.There are lesbians in our society, and some people know it. Not everyone some parts of it. Lesbians have a very closed click, and always stick together. They don't get bullied like gay men, but people won't usually make friends with them if they're aware they're gay, so they always have to hang out together or get involved with men to prove they're not gay (same goes for gay men). The way I describe it is very black and white its more complicated when thinking about it, but mostly it is that way. I didn't feel sorry to like women, I actually felt excited when I discovered this in me. And it was surprising that Lala hated herself for being gay, and often felt very depressed. Well now I know why.. It's suffocating to hide, but I have no lesbian friends I can open up to and talk sometimes. ( That little click of lesbians is a horrible company. Its like a group-sex convention. They switch partners all the time and all they do is talk talk talk about who goes out with who and who sleeps with who.) It's like - because they have to hide - their world is a place of total anarchy and ugliness. I just now wish I could come back to that time when I found men attractive. i don't think I do anymore. It's like women and men swapped their sexual positions in my life. and the more time passes, the deeper and more familiar this feeling gets. I see women and I don't perceive them as I did before.
Is there any possibility of leaving the country? I know you have family and friends there, but if you're not happy in the society you're in, can you leave it?
Hi Banu, and hoşgeldin! As you may get the clue, we share a similar environment. Yeah, it's really complicated to live as a LGBT in a society where the homosexuality is a taboo and not known properly. And to decide what to do mostly depends on your inner cycle - and your courage. Some people are luckier, whose family and friends are open-minded and cares your personality and friendship more. But even though you're not just so lucky, I still say one must not ignore or deny his/her identity. It's inside you, it's you - you cannot change it. So trying to change yourself would only be a misery, I suppose. I guess you're still in a transition process, and thinking about yourself will -of course- be useful (unless you're lost in depths and depressed). Even to be aware of that you are not a "standard" heterosexual is a great step. But to remember, we're all likely to categorize ourselves strictly, but it's not a very good approach. Maybe you love woman but have a slight attraction to men sometimes - nor a typical gay or a bi. We all are different so putting all of us in few categories does not simply work. Maybe this point of view relaxes you a bit :icon_wink As you are more familiar to LGBT issues, the feeling inside also becomes more familiar, it's obvious. We're changing our ideas engraved to our brains so deeply by the environment, and even after so much time, this familiarity process continues. It shows your real identity you ignored/pressured before In such a society, both being out and lurking in the dark are real burdens. Choosing is pretty hard. You may choose being out and even maybe raise your voice to defend your rights (I always find it heroic :icon_cool), but you have to withstand the exclusion, contempt and endless religious arguments. Or, as your friend chose, you may hide your identity but you have to constantly act a different personality. I personally think that in such societies like ours, being out is much more vital to make a change but even I don't have enough courage, so I understand if you cannot even thinking of being out. But maybe you may find the courage and these problems cannot shadow your happiness of doing the right thing for you :icon_bigg Lastly, you see the reality of the immense ghettoization. Like you, I don't find it right; as if LGBT's cannot have healthy, happy and caring relationships. We must show that we are no different than others only because we are gay! Sorry if I just mentioned the things you already know but I just want to let you know you're not alone I can only advise you that don't ignore your identity and don't lose your hope, you will find an answer to your confusion, early or late
I was going to ask the same thing. Sometimes changing the scenery - even temporarily - lets you open your eyes to many things you never thought about before. There are options. And you're not alone.
You guys are so supportive) Thank you so much) Unfortunately, right now I can't really leave the country. So i will have to look for other options on how to feel comfortable with my new self. Like, can you advice some literature, or a site for people like me? I have so many questions... Like, do you become lesbian, or are you born that way? Ever since I started liking girls I want to cut my hair short? (never wanted before) I started dressing more like a boy (Why?) I feel like I've become more honest with people.. I started acting more masculine. I mean... It feels like I was just born. But, I just think - if all people who are confused with their sexuality keep moving out of this country - it will never know what being lesbian/gay feels like. I know one lesbian who is out, but she knew she was that way since kindergarten. @Miranda - I always admired how people are open in Istanbul. I guess if I'd move - that would be the destination. @ Sadepeura - It's very comforting to hear that you're not alone. =) Thank you all. Im happy I found this place
Stereotypes, stereotypes... The people are stuck to them! I'm not sure but you may find some books in a big public/university library, at least in my campus I've found out there are shelves of books about LGBT issues (though many are academic and almost all are English). I was very delighted when I discovered them Well, I have never been in the gay life of Istanbul, but yes, I know the LGBT culture there is far more developed. Do you know if there are any LGBT organizations there? If so, I strongly recommend to check it out.
Generally people are born straight, lesbian, gay, bi or asexual. You can't tell which you are until you start to feel sexual attractions, and that creates the illusion of becoming queer. I'm not sure whether sexual orientation is genetic, or determined later during pregnancy, but it's quite well established that it is determined before birth. This sounds a bit like me. I also feel like a new person, like I was just born. It can be scary, but also exciting and really interesting. It might mean that you are somewhat genderqueer as well as lesbian. I don't know. Short hair is the best. It makes life so easy. Right, and if enough people come out of the closet, it will be a great thing for the country, I'm sure. Is that a battle you want to fight? If you're trying to take on the task of educating your whole country about sexual orientation, I admire your courage, and I wish you the best of luck, because you're going to need it. Feel free to post more questions, we're here to help. (*hug*)
I think we're born this way. But before we meet someone we're really interested in it's not easy to realise this part of ourselves. And I'm not sure why since you've discovered this part of yourself you've wanted to cut your hair short and dress and act more masculine. It could be because you want to be more stereotypical to express this new part of yourself? Or that you've always wanted to be more masculine but have been worried that men would not like that - and now when you're not necessarily interested in men anymore, it does not matter anymore? I'm also happy to hear that you've become more honest with people. Maybe that's because you're now more honest with yourself, it's easier to be honest with everyone else as well? Honesty is always a good thing, as long as you don't become too naïve. Enjoy being yourself, discovering who you are and take care!
