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Acceptance issues

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Eckham, May 1, 2012.

  1. Eckham

    Regular Member

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    First of all, hi everyone! This will be my first ever post on EC! Needless to say I'm really scared and confused right now. I know I shouldn't feel that way posting here, but by posting here I feel almost as if I'm admitting I'm bi-sexual which is what I'm really struggling with.

    Ever since I was little, I knew something was different about the way I looked at the opposite sex. As I grew older and hit puberty, I became focused on guys. At the same time I always found myself looking at girls. I would see one pass by and think to myself "Oh! She was a cutie!" but I never thought more of it. I would find myself discussing with guys how a girl looks, whether she was cute or not, and to be frank, I have always preferred girl on girl action. I would even catch myself staring once in awhile. It was just always something that came natural to me, so naturally I never thought anything of it.

    It was until this past week and a half that it really occurred to me that I could be counted as a "bi-sexual woman" And has it been painful :icon_sad:

    I have a boyfriend of 2 years and 9 months, and he is one of the most wonderful men I have ever met. We have our fair share of fights, but we always resolve to work it out. He has been patient and kind with my struggles with depression and anxiety. He is the best friend I have ever had.

    A good friend of his needed a job, a lot of stuff went down and he was in a really tough place, and he had just come out of a long term relationship. A lead position opened up at my work and instead of applying, I decided I would recommend him for the position. He secured the job, and shortly after we were co-workers. This is where it gets interesting.

    I had become good friends with the person who trained me, and the more we worked together the more I came to enjoy her company. She is one of the funniest people I have ever met. She never fails to put a smile on my face, we have a lot of the same interests. She understands a lot of the stuff I go through. Of course, when my troubled friend started, they developed a good relationship as well, and for some reason I hated the idea of it. The idea of them being together without me drove me nuts, and for the life of me I couldn't understand why.

    I had asked him what he thought of her, and it never occurred to me that, that planted the idea in his mind that he might like her, or at least forced him to think about it. So he started emailing her. The relationship that I had always wanted but was too afraid to initiate after all of those months, and he had up and done it in less than a month. It hurt me, and I was frustrated at my shyness. At this point I thought that I was just upset because I wanted to be her best friend and not him. It was then they went out on a date as friends, and didn't want me to come.

    It was then I realized I was jealous, and everything hit me like a ton of bricks. It all just seemed to fall in place. I hated it because I was crushing on her. I hated the idea that they obviously like each other, and there was nothing I could do about it. The the very idea that I could possibly be crushing on her confused the hell out of me, but it was the only thing that made sense to me at the same time. I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it, and he freaked out about it as much as I did. He didn't like the idea that I was crushing on someone, and felt very insecure. As much as he tried he couldn't soothe me, and could offer me no advice.(Never being in that kind of situation before.) And I know he feels threatened even though he is trying to be understanding.

    I tried to approach her about her relationship with him, and she avoided me. This hurt me further, because her reasons were she felt I would tell him what she thought if she told me. Which kind of told me she just didn't trust me. At this I was at my breaking point, and my depression suffocated me with a vengeance. I was so confused, conflicted, hurt and depressed I just blurt the fact that they went out together out at work.

    Today, he approached me about the fact. He told me she was freaking out because I couldn't keep a secret. I asked, "What secret? You guys went out as friends. There is nothing in the company policy that says you can't do that. What's the big deal?" It was then that he told me they had decided to make it official. My heart feels like it's broken into a million little pieces. I know logically I should wish for their happiness, but in my heart I wish they were just single and miserable. This makes me feel like an awful person on the inside, and I hate myself for it. And to top it off I just don't know how I feel about being bi-sexual. And I happen to be moving in with him and my boyfriend (A decision we made long before this situation occurred.) So I'll be seeing them both at work AND home. UGH!

    Accepting it would mean I'm in a stupid painful love triangle thingy, and it would effectively change the way I look at myself, my relationship, and the world. Not would just make me miserable and still very confused. I just don't know what to do anymore..or how I should even approach the situation. This whole situation just scares the hell out of me and I don't know what I should do. I'm falling for her, but I love my boyfriend, and now shes taken. Not to mention straight. Which I thought I was too, up until about two days ago. Now I'm not sure...Any advice? :help: I feel almost as if I'm being over dramatic...
     
  2. Lad123

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    Erm you shouldn't be even thinking about pursuing a relationship with the girl in the first place since you are already in a relationship with your boyfriend... so if the 2 lovebirds didn't get together what do you think would have happened? Would you have cheated on your boyfriend who loves you so dearly?
     
  3. Eckham

    Regular Member

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    You're completly right :slight_smile: he is wonderful! I think I just stressed out. I love him way too much! Itll be hard, but Im thankful for all the supportive people in my life :slight_smile:
     
  4. TyRawr

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    You sound really scared, so let me first start by saying how sorry I am that I am that you have to question yourself like this in so many ways. I dont know how old you are, and other then the fact that you are in a relationship, and know these two other people, one of which you are attracted to, I know nothing else about you. That said, I do know what it feels like to doubt yourself, and I do understand being confused about your sexuality. As a gay person I had to develop an understanding really quickly of "who i was" so that I could take care of myself, but that is much harder for some people because it comes up later in life, and the hardest thing (to my understanding) is not only admitting it to yourself, but others who already know you as a straight person.

    Understand this, no matter what your decisions are, no matter who you are, no matter who you love, you are still a good person. I am not saying that cheating is a good idea, nor do I support it, but I do think that you are a fundamentally good person.

    Sexuality is not something that is finite either. It is a spectrum, not definite, but constantly adjusting to where you are in understanding yourself. It is when we love and accept ourselves, and begin to learn more about "who we are" that we find our place on that spectrum. Gay, bi-sexual, lesbian, whatever, are all labels; tools that society uses to easily convey that place on that spectrum so others can understand it. However, it doesn't sound like you have completely discovered yourself. So perhaps the easiest label you can assign to yourself is "not straight". That will help to ease the discomfort of admitting something you are not completely sure of.

    No matter what you find out, remember you have support and love,
    sending mine,