Sad I can never be straight.

John,

You don't have to give up that dream of having children and a family. Do you know how many gay men have children and a family nowadays? Lots. It's one reason marriage equality is so important, to protect the children of LGBT couples.

You have the option of surrogacy and adoption, obviously. Though I've also heard of some gays and lesbians working out arrangements to have children together. Such families work similarly to a divorced family; the children spend some time with both couples, both couples live relatively close together, and of course everyone spends the holidays together.

The last option is somewhat difficult to manage, but it also ensures that there is a broad base of support for the children. (Effectively, they have twice as much family as typical children - four parents instead of two and four sets of grandparents instead of two.)

Most opt either for surrogacy or adoption. One way of dealing with your (hopefully future) husband's issue of having biological children as well during surrogacy is to have more than one child. Some of the children would be biologically yours and some his, and you'd both of course raise them together. Everyone wins.

Many gay couples would like to adopt, but depending on the state and country that can be difficult to do. Tons of gay families take in children with special needs that most families ignore.

There are tons of options out there for you when it comes to children.

 

Aldrick is correct.

While I understand where you're coming from, and perhaps that was the case thirty years ago, forty years, but not anymore. Even as gay men, we have surrogacy, artificial insemination, etc that we can use in order for us to have children. Don't think that being gay restricts you from having children to carry on your legacy. I'll admit I would also also say to look into adoption too because remember those children need homes too, but just never forget that you can have your own biological children too.

But I am glad you are content with being gay, and when the time to come out comes along we'll be here for you too.

 

i don't blame you for feeling that way at all, man. you can still have kids and have a family but at the same time, it's not the same thing as a straight couple. then again, i think everything makes up for it that we don't have to go through the same headache that straight couples do. as a gay male couple, we don't have to worry about keeping the toilet seat down.

 

I think most of us here on EC feel 'being gay is just a bit shit' ^^

But hey, it is what it is, we can either keep thinking this all depressed or we can move forward and be content with who we are :icon_wink

 

Definitely. Everyone has shit to deal with, it's just ours is different from theirs (or hey, maybe they really are closeted and have the same problems... )

I used to have the same thought, that I wished I was straight. But recently, I've modified that idea. I don't wish I was straight (since I'm fine with liking guys), but I wish I didn't have to deal with all the problems that come with being gay - being a social minority.

 

The having a child thing is really starting to get to me. I'm 25 years old and definitely planning on having kids, hopefully my very own biological children. Surrogacy is definitely something I'll entertain, but I find it still so disappointing that there's no way for me and my future hubby to be able to both contribute to the creation of a child. Unfortunately, it will be more mine or more his and then this third person surrogate will have a biological (but not legal) relationship to the child.

Not sure what I'm going to do. Obviously I could just adopt and therefore avoid feeling that me or my future husband have some superiority over the other in terms of the child since presumably we would jointly adopt. But, I really do want a child of my own too!

 

To be honest this is how I felt not too long ago. I am also at Uni and started this academic year - moving somewhere new really helped me accept who I am but it took time for the reasons you have stated. Exactly in the same boat - am really enjoying life (apart from my football team doing badly!) and doing well in my degree otherwise - so it wasn't getting me down too much.

In the last few weeks I've started telling close friends at Uni and they have been more supportive than I could ever imagine. Since a good number of people have known I've not felt ashamed/aggrieved about my sexuality - for the first time I've actually felt 100% comfortable. Give it time and only tell people when you're ready, but it's certainly helped me to tell my close friends.

 

You can have a family. Get yourself a man and adopt some children. Boom; nuclear family.

It still sounds like you have some self-acceptance issues to work out. You say that you have accepted it, but you say you're sad you can't be straight and that being gay is "a bit shit."

 

I still sometimes feel sad that I'm not straight. It's been quite some time since I came out to everyone and no one is upset and everyone's cool with it and I can be me. It was the only way for me to fully realize that there's nothing wrong with being gay.

I like being gay. I just don't like not being straight. In a heteronormative society, we place a lot of value on being traditional. In that society, familys look a certain way and marriage looks a certain way and mine will always be a couple deviations from the norm.

But the thing is, even if straight people get married and have kids of their own, it doesn't always look like that picture of marriage and family that we are supposed to have. There are straight couples who adopt, who can't have children of their own for whatever reason, who use surrogates and artificial insemination.

So, I guess I'm saying, I totally get that not being straight seems to suck at times. But honestly, it's the things we're supposed to value and don't always get to have that's to blame, not being gay. Yeah, sure, having the kind of family you've always wanted might be harder to get if you're gay, but I kinda feel like if you really want it, you'll find any way you can to get it--and love it the more for the way you had to fight to achieve the life and family you want.

 

I have felt this way alot, especially because my parents are very homophobic, and I was taught, at home and in school, that a family is made up of a mother, a father and children. I completley share the 'suck it up and get on with it' approach to life, but sometimes I feel Im missing out on alot of things in life by just getting on with it and not doing anything about it. I havent done much yet, the most Ive done is coming out to a few friends, and it has helped alot, but I still dont see myself living a gay life.

 

i like being gay, i would probably be a bad person if i wasnt, its me, a part of my identity, i must admit there was probably a time i wished i was straight, but that was because people made me feel ashamed of it.

i cant ever imagine myself being straight nor do i put in the effort of imaging a family with a wife and my own biological kids,

its just not me.

i like where i am in life, i may be still young but i feel like the worst of my problems (being gay) is nothing, not even worth batting an eye to.

 

I spoke to a gay guy from New York once, in his forties, out since teens, he said he was happy with his life, but would still like to have been straight.
I spoke to a gay guy from Vienna once, in his twenties, out since teens, happy in a relationship, happy with his life, he said he would never change what he has. He's built a life for himself in such a way that he is living his dream.

People are different and although there are problems in everyone's life, although being gay is not the easiest role you can get, the hell it brings is only the hell you make for yourself.

I was always sure I wanted kids. I love kids, I want my two year old to hug me and call me "dad", that was always so "normal". Then I spoke to the Vienna guy (he's not interested in having kids) and for the first time in my life I dared consider the option of not wanting kids It still sounds like blasphemy to me, but you know, it seems I am not really all that for it Maybe, but not undoubtedly.

 

I totally understand what you're saying. Before I came out to a few close friends there have been times where I considered never telling anyone. Not because I was ashamed, but so I could live a more "normal" lifestyle. I also feared that people would stereotype me as soon as I told them that I was gay. I really enjoy the idea of having a typical "wife and kids" family too, but I realized that if I forced that into my life I just wouldn't be happy with myself. In the end, you just gotta embrace who you are and live the life that you're comfortable with.

 

I feel like shit that Im lesbian. It makes me so sad sometimes I want to die.
But I would always tell my girlfriend , who didnt believe lesbian relationship can work:"Did it work with your ex-husband"? No. Same thing can happen to us. or not.
So straight relationships also do fall apart every day, and sometimes even uglier, because when youre straight you never expect anything to go wrong, whereas, when youre gay - you know you'll have to fight for your happiness.
i really miss those times when I found men attractive - it was easier. But, it is what it is.

 

I completely understand that being straight is easier than being gay in everyday's life. But on most western countries, being gay doesn't mean being withdrawn from society anymore.
If finding a partner, having a family and raising children is what you want, I don't see any reasons for this not to happen. There are plenty of countries where you can be legally married or where you can get a civil union and there are plenty of countries where you can either adopt children or that allow maternity for others.
I absolutely don't deny that it's more difficult for gay people to start a family than it is for straight people, but there are plenty of gay people who are getting there and hopefully it will be getting easier in the coming years.

Take care and keep hope , Cécile